Hope
by Nerwen Aldarion
Summary: Co author Tinuviel Undomiel: Red John is dead but his final act has destroyed the team. Five years later Lisbon has to work with them again when a new killer steps into the wings. Now she has to face Jane and his betrayal along with the mistakes she made and the sins she committed as well. Will they learn to forgive each other? Jisbon
1. How Did We Get Here?

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Rest assured, Lavinia is still being worked on and will be updated very very VERY soon but this is an idea I had for a very long time. I finally figured out a way to get my idea to work in a believable fashion (at least I hope so) and here it is. I guess this fic is for everyone who misses the angst in Lavinia because since then I have discovered something, I like ruining Lisbon's life. I don't know why but apparently she is my whipping boy LOL, don't worry things will get better...eventually.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: My sister is evil. I truly think Robin Tunney should be frightened for her life, LOL. Just kidding. Yep, this one is also angsty, and twisted and very very painful for Lisbon...but there are some moments of brightness. We promise. Now on with the show.

Note to the wise: this fic might seem to have an upbeat title but don't let it full you, this fic is full of angst. But the title will fit...eventually and for more than one reason. Let's see how many of you can figure it out.

* * *

Hope

Chapter 1: How Did We Get Here?

_ Then she pulled out her gun and pointed it straight at him._

_ For a very long moment they stood there staring at one another. Tears were spilling down her cheeks, mingling with the blood that had dried on her face. Her hands were shaking, making the gun quake. The rest of the team stopped several feet away, watching the situation with wide shocked eyes._

_ But Jane barely noticed them, he was staring at Lisbon and for the first time ever he wondered if she would actually do it._

_ Her teeth were bared at him. "Well Jane, you got what you have always wanted. You have your revenge," she told him menacingly. "Red John is dead. Congratulations." Then she pulled the gun back. "Now get the hell out of my sight."_

_ And for once, Jane did as she asked._

* * *

_Almost Five Years Later_

Teresa Lisbon was bored sitting in the car waiting for Derek Johnson to finally appear, to top it off her coffee had gone cold fifteen minutes ago. She knew that tracking down the embezzler who had skipped on bail would be fairly uneventful but the pay was damn good and she liked any change of pace from tracking down philandering husbands or following corporate suits that might or might not be doing something naughty.

It was her own fault. Once her boss found out she chased down a suspect on foot for ten blocks and still tackled him to the ground he had decided to loan her out, if she was willing, to his brother-in-law's bail bonds business when someone high profile skipped bail. She never turned it down; it was the closest she ever got to feeling useful again.

Derek Johnson had skipped NYC right after he was put on bail, when he hadn't shown up the warrant was issued. Now Lisbon had been able to track him to a neighborhood in Jersey, idiot hadn't tried to get far. He was either arrogant or just that stupid, she was leaning towards the latter in this instance.

Years of working stakeouts as a cop had given Lisbon the patience to sit in a car for hours, the only good thing about New York as opposed to California was that the car was not boiling hot now. Still she did come close to letting her mind wander to dangerous territories, to memories of previous stakeouts when she wasn't alone. Shadow puppets, he'd been bored and entertained her with shadow puppets.

She shook her head and took a sip of her cold coffee, grimacing at the taste. She didn't have long to distract herself; the man in question suddenly opened the door and stepped out onto the stoop. Lisbon lowered her head and watched him as he sauntered towards the street; she thought that this would be as easy as she wanted it to be. He kept moving closer; in a second she would step out and arrest him.

But then Johnson looked up and met her eyes. Damn, she'd been made.

It only took a second for him to take off in the direction down a side street. Lisbon didn't panic though. She calmly restarted her engine and drove down the street, like every good investigator she had also scoped out the neighborhood before waiting to make her arrest. There was an alley at the end of the side street, she parked at the end of it and simply waited.

Three minutes later Johnson raced through the alley but slowed his steps, he was looking behind him as if he expected her to be there. He stopped and seemed to relax a little, even smiling as he sauntered again.

Then he saw her standing outside of her car, her gun leveled at him.

Johnson froze and flinched, as if he were about to run again. "Try to run and I'll put a round in your kneecap," Lisbon told him, "your call."

The man actually seemed to think about it. Then he slumped and knelt down on the ground with his hands over his head. Lisbon pulled out her cuffs and walked over to him. "A wise choice."

But he wasn't done quite yet. "You don't have to do this, I have money…"

"Good," Lisbon replied, "you can use it to pay for a good lawyer, you're going to need it."

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Harry Browning and his brother-in-law Jim were enjoying their beers when Lisbon walked in; Derek Johnson was tucked away behind bars once more. She gave them her regular cold stare. "I assumed you got the call."

"Johnson is enjoying prison chow once more," Jim said with a wide grin.

Harry laughed. "Don't doubt her again, Jim. She's chased down serial killers." He turned a serious look to Lisbon. "I hope the car's okay."

She simply tossed him the keys. "Not a scratch." Ever since she had used the car door to stop a fleeing suspect Harry had been concerned that she'd ruin one of his cars, she didn't have the heart to tell him that it wasn't the first time she'd used that particular maneuver to stop a suspect.

_"You have no idea how happy I am that wasn't my car."_

What was it with her and memories today?

But Jim was more curious about her past than Harry's company car. "Serial killers? Are you serious?"

"Damn straight," Harry cackled. "She's an old state agent from Cal-i-for-nia," He punctuated each syllable of the last word. "You should see her file."

"How the hell do you get a state cop to work for you?"

"Ask her yourself."

Lisbon gave them a cold gaze. "If you ladies won't stop gossiping about me I guarantee you'll see for yourself what I can do."

That made Harry laugh. "She's got some real fire in her, you can't deny that."

She simply rolled her eyes. "Why I left California and why I came here is none of your damn business, and I'm not in the business of sharing."

"Settle down, girl. Just asking a question."

"Don't call me girl."

Harry laughed again. "We get the point, we don't need to know." He rummaged through the desk and pulled out a roll of bills. He held it aloft and then tossed it to her, she caught it easily. "Don't spend it all in one place."

Lisbon didn't say anything but pocketed the money and walked out the door. She knew they would talk about her once more after she left but she didn't care. They didn't know and she wasn't going to tell.

What she really needed was a drink.

* * *

Lisbon took care of her urge to drink by heading over to her regular bar. It was a simple place with a few scratched booths and an old broken jukebox against one wall. But she didn't take a seat in one of the booths instead favoring one of the stools at the bar. Jack smiled at her once she walked in and poured her a shot of tequila right away.

She threw that shot back and set the empty glass on the table with a resounding 'thunk' she ordered a beer that she could savor more and took a handful of the bar nuts that were in the bowl next to her elbow. The next hour passed much the same, she didn't say anything and let the alcohol work it's magic. She felt freer, almost happy…almost.

"Five o'clock," Jack told her with a smile.

Lisbon turned her head to see a guy checking her out, he looked to be a couple of years younger than her and had the demeanor of a man who wanted one thing only. He smiled and saluted her with his drink; she smiled back but turned her head around to wait for him to make the move. She might be on the wrong side of forty but she still could turn heads, it was something at least.

"Is this seat taken?" the man drawled out, looks like he was a couple of drinks ahead of her.

"Nope," she told him quickly.

He sat down and leaned against the bar in something of a sexy pose. "Married?"

She shook her head, "Unattached."

"So am I," he told her with a grin, "What a coincidence."

Lisbon almost rolled her eyes at the obvious reply but she didn't. Instead she gave him a small smile and turned back to her drink. "Henry," he told her, holding out his hand.

"Teresa," she said and shook it in greeting.

"So can I buy you a drink or do you only drink alone?"

Lisbon thought about it for a while. He wasn't anything she would have wanted five years ago but that was then, now… Now he was exactly what she needed. "Sure you can buy me a drink," then she lowered her voice to a sexy whisper, "as long as it's tequila."

Henry's eyes lit up and he quickly ordered the beverage of her choice. A couple of shots later and he decided to press his luck. His hand brushed against her thigh (accidently) and when they both reached for the bowl of nuts at the same time their fingers touched. That was when Henry grabbed her hand and pulled her closer so he could kiss her.

He tasted like cheap whiskey and cigarettes. His lips were firm and demanding, he was going after what he wanted and she wasn't going to stop him.

For several minutes they stayed that way, making out with the furor of two drunk single people with no desire for commitments. He was eager, his hands winding up in her hair and then trailing down her neck, she kept hers on the bar, she didn't have the desire to touch him like he did. His hand made its way to her breast and he began to cup it and the gently squeeze. That should have been the moment she moaned with pleasure, she should have been worked to frenzy, she should have grabbed him and taken him outside to a cab and then her bed.

But she didn't feel a thing.

It was the same way it had been for the past few years. She would go to a bar and make out with a stranger but it never got any further because she never felt anything. There was no desire to let this continue. If anything she wished he would leave.

Lisbon pulled away from Henry who was stunned. "Hey, what was that for?"

"That's it." She actually pried his fingers off her breast and tossed his hand back in his lap.

"Oh come on baby."

Lisbon took a sip of her drink. "I'm not your baby."

"What is this? I thought we were having fun."

"You thought wrong."

Henry gave a disappointed huff. "Don't tell me you are one of those chicks that wants a house, a fence and two kids."

The last word made her freeze. Pain shot through her system and she turned an angry eye to him. "Go."

"What?"

"Go now." Henry didn't know about her past, he didn't know she was a PI and that she used to be a cop. But he knew when a girl could kick his ass obviously. He slammed his empty glass on the bar and quickly stood up from his seat. She didn't watch him leave; she didn't care in the least.

She heard a soft chuckle and looked up to see Jack shaking his head as he wiped down the counter. "What?" she asked him, more than a little annoyed that he was finding amusement in her plight.

"Nothing," he told her but he still had a smile on his face.

"No, that's something, so what is it?"

He threw down the rag and his brown eyes locked onto hers. "All right, I've just noticed a pattern is all."

"I don't have a pattern."

"You have come here several times a week for the past three years and the same thing happens every time a guy hits on you," Jack pointed out, "You accept it, make out with them, let them get to first base, close to second, but then you always shoot them down. Now, ordinarily I'd think you were just a tease but you always seem just as disappointed as they do so that means it's something different."

Lisbon tried to appear indifferent. "Maybe I'm just looking for the right guy."

"You've had plenty to choose from." She took a sip of her beer and looked away but Jack leaned in closer. "When was the last time you did more than kiss a guy?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you offering?"

Jack laughed and shook his head. "My girlfriend wouldn't appreciate it."

Lisbon smiled but she didn't join in on the mirth. She was thinking about the question Jack had asked. The truth was she knew exactly when the last time she'd had a man in her bed, she remembered everything about it. Two nights before her life descended into utter chaos.

She remembered that night in vivid detail. It had been a simple fun tryst, a bit more exciting since she had been afraid they would be caught but it wasn't anything entirely special. There was no reason for it to be, they had done it many times before and she had assumed that there would be more such nights in the future. She had no idea that two nights later she would lose everything including her sanity, had no idea that the man she'd been sleeping with was no better than the devil himself.

Jack was studying her with a critical gaze. "What happens if one of these guys doesn't take no for an answer?"

Lisbon knew she could take down any one of the drunk imbeciles she let kiss her but Jack didn't know that she was a former cop. It didn't really matter anyhow. Instead she answered honestly. "Maybe I'll finally feel something."

The bartender couldn't have missed the dark edge to her voice but he was more intrigued by her answer. "So that's what it is. You're scary and damaged." He put a shot glass on the bar and filled it with tequila. "On the house."

Lisbon eagerly took the shot and tossed it back like she'd done with the others, but this one made her head swim a little. At least she was feeling giddy now.

"So who was he?"

She glanced back up at him and shook her head. "Of course, I'm a woman so it has to be a guy."

Jack smiled knowingly. "No, but I know it is." He leaned back against the bar and crossed his arms over his chest. "You've followed your routine to the letter every time, take the drinks, kiss a little and then send them packing. Except for a couple of times. A guy named Patrick hit on you six months ago and then two years ago a guy named William did the same thing. Both times you got this weird look on your face and refused to talk to them after that."

"Maybe I just didn't like them."

"Or maybe they reminded you of someone one or some guys you don't want to think about." Lisbon didn't say anything but looked down, fiddling with the sleeves of her jacket. "So, ex-boyfriends?" Jack asked.

Lisbon looked up and gave him a scowl. "No." It was the truth…but just barely in some respects.

"Then who?"

"Nobody," she replied quickly, "and stop trying to get into my head." She'd had enough of that five years ago from someone else entirely.

Jack held up his hands in surrender. "All right, I'll stop asking about your exes but that doesn't mean I'm done with you."

She gave him a surprised look. "You think you've got me figured out?"

"Not at all, but I've learned a few things over the years and maybe why you hold onto your shot glasses so tight."

Lisbon looked down to the shot glass that she was clutching and tossed it away, sending it sliding across the bar a few inches. "You don't know anything."

"Yes I do."

"Like what?"

Jack shrugged. "Like tonight."

She laughed bitterly. "I didn't do anything tonight."

"Of course you did. When that guy mentioned kids you got that same look on your face, like that is the _last_ thing you want to hear. You always have that expression whenever you hear someone talking about kids. What I don't know is _why_."

Lisbon looked down at the scratched tabletop but didn't say a word. Her hands were curled into fists so tight her knuckles were bone white and her nails were digging into her palms. She didn't care about the pain, she just hated listening to Jack peel her apart.

"But I have a theory."

Her head shot up and she met his eyes. "What is it?"

"Did you have a kid once? Maybe your kid died? If so I'm sorry."

Lisbon blinked up at him, shocked that he was so wrong and then she laughed lightly. "Relax, I don't have any dead babies in my past." It was the whole truth, for once.

"All right so I'm wrong about that but I still think I'm right about the guys."

She took one last gulp of her beer and climbed rather unsteadily to her feet. "Well, Jack. You'll have to wait and see." She tossed some money on the counter and made to leave.

"Hey, don't drive home."

"I can walk," she assured him. She never drove home; she didn't even own a car in this city. There was no point with the cabs; subways and the fact that she preferred to drink herself into a stupor most nights.

The walk home did a little to clear her head but it didn't sober her up. Her apartment was a pathetically small walk-up in a halfway decent part of the city. Lisbon stumbled up the stairs, ignoring the homeless woman out front with her coffee can of change in front of her. She lived in 3-C and it took her a full two minutes for her to fumble with her keys before she made it inside.

Things got fuzzy after that, like she was floating in warm bathwater. It was a nice feeling, she felt relaxed and calm.

But that didn't last long.

In the recesses of her mind memories haunted her, and no amount of alcohol saved her from her nightmares.

_She smelt the blood. It was everywhere, on the bed, the walls and on her. Her hands were drenched in it._

_ There were screams, but whose? Her, she'd been the one screaming that night._

_ Jane looking up at her with eyes that were filled with hurt but why? What did he have to be sad about when it was all his fault? She ran over to the gurney in hysterics until she felt Rigsby pulling her away and Grace's soft whisper. "I'm sorry, boss. I'm so sorry."_

_ Grace standing in her apartment doorway. "No you can't do this… That's crazy"_

_ "Maybe I'm crazy now too."_

_ Crying. She was crying, all three of them were but it cut through her like a knife to hear the one person who was innocent in all of this wailing for comfort._

_ But she didn't turn around._

_ Crying. Screaming. Blood. So much blood._

_ Her mother stood in front of her with pleading green eyes. "You promised to protect them."_

_ "I did, mom! I did!"_

_ "You failed."_

_ "It's not my fault. I didn't know, it's not my fault."_

_ She was crying again, why couldn't she stop crying? "Shut up! Just shut up."_

_ Her father was there now, eyes bloodshot with alcohol. "Now you know. We're the same."_

_ "I'm not you!"_

_ "No, you're worse."_

_ Blood so much blood. Dripping down the walls in that same grotesque pattern. "I warned you many times that I do not like interferences in my game, you were always the honorable one but I cannot abide anyone who does not follow the rules…"_

_Jane was there standing in front of her. "I am sorry, I never even thought that this would happen. I am so sorry,"_

_ But you did know! You knew!_

_ Why won't she stop crying? What was wrong with her?_

_ Jane was still there, but now he wasn't being sad and tender. No, his eyes were hard with real rage. "How could you do something like that? How could you just walk away?"_

_ She wanted to shout at him. To tell him he was wrong, to scream at him that he couldn't throw her sins back in her face after what he did to her. But she knew that it wouldn't change what had happened, what she did._

_ Crying. Screams. Blood. "I'm sorry."_

_ Will was there, looking at her through the blood haze. His green eyes were locked on hers, his face completely white. All he did was whisper two words._

_ "Your fault."_

Lisbon woke up on the floor of her bedroom. Her head was pounding and her mouth tasted like an old gym sock. Everything hurt from lying on the hard floor and from drinking way too much the night before. She sat up slowly, groaning as the room spun and the light seared through her corneas.

It took her a moment to adjust before she saw the time on her alarm clock.

She was late for work.

Well it wouldn't be the first time.

* * *

"You're late," Harry said as soon as she walked through the door of the small slightly rundown office. For once he actually sounded a little annoyed with her.

"What about it?" she asked, she didn't care in the least. A long time ago being late for anything was a cardinal sin, but now she was a lapsed Catholic that was having a hard time remembering all of the words to _Hail Mary._

He grunted. "You look like hell."

Sleeping on the floor tended to do that. But Lisbon didn't tell him that much. Instead she simply shrugged. "You know how it is."

It was the truth, Harry did know. Not because he'd been there himself, although that was probably more than likely the case. Rather it was because his line of work involved a lot of ex-military and ex-cops, most of whom had more than a few personal demons haunting them. Some spent most of their paychecks in a bar while others had those specially marked days where they go drunk fof their ass. Harry always knew which days those were, he always remembered and knew better than the ask them in. That was the good thing about Harry; he always gave them those days.

Lisbon didn't have to ask if he knew hers. There were two days out of the year, two anniversaries that she always marked with lots and lots of alcohol. She'd spent these past few years ignoring any association with those memories but her mind refused to forget those important dates. They fell rather far apart so Harry didn't complain, seven months three weeks and two days to be exact; Lisbon never tried to think about why that time period was precise either.

This might have been why Harry was a little annoyed; he knew that this wasn't one of her two days. Still it didn't completely explained that look in his eye. "Try and get yourself presentable."

She raised an eyebrow. "You setting me up?"

He didn't smile, that was a sure sign he really was in no joking mood. "A guy came in with a case, he only wants to see you."

A feeling of dread descended on her. This guy, who could he be? Names and faces flashed through her mind all making her feel sick to her stomach. Five people came to mind immediately, she didn't know which one was worse. Actually she did but she knew that he wouldn't show up here, not after the last time they'd spoken.

"Me? Why me? Why not Nelson or Hendrix?" Now Lisbon was fishing, and desperate.

"I told him you were an ex-cop and he read about your history…"

Lisbon was barely listening at that point because she was so relieved. If this person _read_ about her that meant he didn't _know _her. This wasn't someone from her past trying to drag her back, this was simply someone who found out a few things and thought she would do well.

"…and since you are from California, he thought it would help."

She blinked and swiveled her head up to Harry. "What? California?"

"Yeah, the case is in California, since you know the area then it is perfect."

She shook her head quickly. "No, I'm _not_ going back to California."

"You have a problem?"

"Yes I do. I left California for a reason!"

"Which was?" Lisbon shut her mouth and turned her eyes away; no way in hell was she telling him about that. "Running from the law?" She shook her head. "Abusive ex?" Lisbon actually snorted and shook her head again. "Then I don't know what the problem is."

She turned around to face him again. "I can't go back there, Harry."

But Harry didn't seem to care and why would he? "He's willing to pay top dollar and more so I don't want to hear any excuses." He tossed her the file. "Take a look, your boy is in there." And he pointed at the small closet sized room that served as her office. Really it was just a desk and a couple of chairs.

Sitting in one of the chairs was a man in his late twenties or maybe early thirties, it was difficult to say. His dark brown hair was cut short and he had eyes the color of warm chocolate. He might have been good looking if he didn't have a permanent frown on his face, he looked…sad.

"Are you Teresa Lisbon?" She nodded her head. "I'm Peter Hensworth." He held out a hand and she shook it softly before gingerly stepping around him to her desk. He took a seat again in the chair. "I did some research, a lot of folks around here had good things to say about your. They said you are good at what you do."

Lisbon didn't really care what her reviews said. She was caught off guard by why little she knew about this man. "Around here? I assumed you were in California."

"No," Peter explained. "I actually live upstate, it's my sister. She lives…_lived_ in California."

"Do you need me to find her?"

He shook his head and looked down at his hands. "She's dead."

Now Lisbon felt real guilt…and sadness. "I'm sorry," but her voice sounded wooden. She wanted to mean those words but she couldn't conjure up that emotion, or any real feeling these days. His pain was reminding her far too much of her own.

But Peter didn't notice her lack of empathy or he chose to ignore it. He met her eyes once more. "She died last year in an apartment in Sacramento."

Of course, what other city would it have happened in?

"The cops say it was a suicide," Peter continued.

That was a bit of a surprise. "But you don't believe that." It wasn't a question.

Peter shook his head. "Claire wouldn't have done that, she had no reason to kill herself. It doesn't make sense." There was a steely resolve in his voice. "Someone must have killed her, it's the only explanation."

Her want to feel sympathy for this man was fading fast. She'd seen this before, people who refused to accept that their loved ones might actually have been that troubled. Rather than admit that they might have missed a few warning signs and try to deal with that guilt, instead they bury it under false hope that there was another explanation. It was terrible really; they were actually hoping a murder took place.

"Mr. Hensworth, do you have any proof other than your feelings?"

"I've tried talking to the cops but they won't listen. They say Claire killed herself but I know that there is more to it. That's why I'm coming to you."

"I'm not sure if there is anything I can do."

"Will you at least look at her case?"

Lisbon glanced down at the folder in her hands, looking at it like it was a poisonous snake. The last thing she wanted to do was have a reason to go back to the one place she was trying to forget. But this time she was certain that Hensworth was sending her on a wild goose chase.

"I'll look into it."

She regretted her words almost immediately.

* * *

Harry didn't say a word when she took the file with her, leaving the office early. He was just happy that she was looking at the damn thing. Well that made one of them.

Lisbon took the case file home and set it on her small coffee table, pouring a liberal amount of cheap tequila into her glass. If she was going to look at a case from California then she was _not_ going to do it stone cold sober.

She hadn't looked at a possible murder case in five years, not since she'd walked out of the CBI leaving her badge behind. But this wasn't a murder case, at least probably not. Claire Hensworth was found by a friend two days after she died, he had come by to check on her as per the usual. She was in her bed, her wrists were cut. There hadn't been any signs of a break-in and no defensive marks either. The only prints on the knife had been Claire's. No suicide note but the TV shows always got that one wrong, she could count on one hand how many suicides she'd worked where they had actually bothered to write a note.

All in all it was an open and shut suicide.

Lisbon took a hard swallow and glanced at the report. She breathed a sight of relief when she realized that she didn't recognize the names. SACPD had handled the investigation which made perfect sense, in something like this there would be no need to call in the CBI.

But just worrying about it brought back unpleasant thoughts. Cho looking stunned as she pressed the badge into his hand. Rigsby standing there gaping, his mouth open like a sad forlorn gold fish. And Grace…she had been crying, softly breathing her name as she walked away.

Were they all still together? The three of them working as a team still, was there another member added to fill the void she had left?

Was _he_ with them?"

Lisbon really didn't need to know the answer to that question but she had a feeling it was no. Jane had gotten what he'd wanted five years before, what possible reason could he have to stick around?

She threw back what remained of her tequila and glanced at the pictures.

Claire had been a very lovely girl with dirty-blonde hair and pale skin. Her color looked even paler in the aftermath of her death. Lisbon hated the chalky way people looked but it was something she had gotten used to, hazards of the job. But that bravado had gone out the window long ago, now she could barely even glance at the pictures. It was so unsettling seeing white skin marked by dark blood.

Blood. So much blood. It had been everywhere, filling her senses and making her head dizzy with the smell. Or maybe that had been from the fear, the disbelief that it was happening to her. It didn't matter; there had still been a lot of blood, on the bed, on the body, on the wall…everywhere.

The blood was gone now, except for the lot of it which still soiled her hands.

She groaned and took another long swig of alcohol. She needed to get rid of this damn file, she needed to stop. Remembering would only lead to more pain and guilt which would only lead to even darker things. She knew that the path of memories she was following only led to one place and she had no desire to keep walking down it.

Get back to the case file, but there was nothing there. The whole thing was open and shut, besides she didn't know what she could see that would be helpful. It was difficult going off of an incomplete case file with a few pictures and notes; there was a reason cold cases rarely got solved later. Seeing the crime scene itself was the biggest asset she knew on the job.

Her head was swimming; the tequila was starting to work on her brain. If she didn't see something soon then she wasn't going to find anything at all, not when she was drunk. That was fine with her. Unfortunately the alcohol had a bad side effect, it conjured up her subconscious thoughts whether she wanted to face them or not.

There had only been one person she knew who had been good at looking at cold case files and seeing things. He could take a picture, take one glance and see something that would rip it wide open.

_"Background,"_ Jane would tell her, _"stop looking at the obvious and see what else the picture can tell you."_

The last thing Lisbon wanted to do was take advice from Jane, even if he was limited to her subconscious mind these days. She wasn't going to find anything, even if she did turn her eyes away from Claire's pale skin and her dried blood.

Lisbon threw the photograph aside and reached for the tequila bottle again, her eyes flicked to the picture of Claire's cut wrist. This time she followed Jane's advice and looked away from the cuts. Her hand stopped in mid air as her whole body froze.

She blinked then blinked again but it didn't go away. Even though her head was cloudy with tequila she could register what was staring at her right in the face.

Claire's hand was visible in the photograph, her fingers curled towards her palm. There Lisbon saw her fingernails, three were painted a soft pink, the other two were completely bare. Who painted three fingernails but not the other two? No one.

Lisbon scrambled through the other photographs until she found the one she wanted. IT showed a view from Claire's bed, more specifically of the knife resting by her right arm. In the background the camera had captured an image of Claire's nightstand. It took a few seconds for Lisbon's eyes to adjust but there resting near the edge of the table was a small bottle of nail polish, the pale pink an exact shade of the one Claire was using.

She set the photographs down on the table reverently as she recalled everything she knew about the mindset of suicide victims. Women tended to avoid anything that would destroy their looks, which is why swallowing pills and cutting wrists were normal for them. They did their make up to make themselves beautiful before they were found…they did their nails.

No woman would leave her fingernails unfinished. She wouldn't stop in the middle of her beauty prep and then kill herself. There was no way.

Shit.

Lisbon took another swallow of tequila and grimaced but it wasn't from the taste. No, now she knew she had somewhere she had to be.

The last place she wanted to go.

* * *

Harry told her a sentence she never thought she would hear from him. "Money is no object." Apparently Peter Hensworth had quite a bit of cash to spare or he simply didn't care how much of his life savings he lost, either way he was willing to front the whole trip along with her expenses.

In the end she'd had no choice. Which is why she had boarded a plane to Sacramento, she'd been stuck in the aisle seat next to a small boy of about five and his father. The little boy kept kicking the seat in front of him and running one of his toy trucks over the tray table. When he threw one of his toys in her lap for the third time the boy's father gave her a sheepish smile.

"I'm sorry."

Lisbon gave him a quick glance. "It's all right," but she didn't smile back.

He was quiet for a moment as he pulled out some cheese crackers in the shape of goldfish and set them down in front of his son. "You have any kids?"

She felt that familiar pain whenever anybody asked her that question, wistfulness and now something much worse. "No," she said not even looking at him.

Lisbon wasn't happy when the plane finally touched down in Sacramento. She remain rooted to the seat for a bit, as if hoping that if she stayed long enough then the plan would take off again and she would be able to avoid this entirely. But she had no choice, not anymore.

She dutifully picked up her bags and rented a car, still she looked at the familiar skyline and landmarks with dread. Too many memories were being conjured up but this time she didn't know how to avoid them, everywhere she turned there was something else that reminded her of her old life.

There was an extended stay motel that wasn't too far from the airport. Lisbon grimaced as she couldn't help but reflect on the irony of her using one of those particular establishments; at least it wasn't the same one. She deposited her bags in her room and fought the urge to just curl up on the bed and cry.

She didn't want to leave the room; it frightened her that she was so close to them. It was like she could sense them even though she knew it as ridiculous. They didn't know she was here and she couldn't know where they were, they certainly weren't close by, not in a city this size. There was no reason for her to run into them, she was safe.

Still, Lisbon kept a wary eye out as she made her way to where Bradley Wilks worked; he had been the one who found Claire's body and the logical place for her to start her investigation. She still looked around in case she saw one of them; she knew that the two she desired to see least was a flash of red hair or maybe curly blonde. The latter was unlikely; she doubted he was still in Sacramento, not now.

Bradley Wilks worked as a processor in the corporate headquarters of some company that she had never heard of. The building was tall with a nice lobby but she didn't pause to admire her surroundings. She stopped at the receptionist with blond hair pulled back expertly and a shirt cut a little too low, showing up her ample cleavage. "May I help you?"

"I need to speak to Bradley Wilks."

Now the blonde blinked up at her and her expression changed from bored and sultry to shocked and sad. "Oh…I guess you haven't heard."

"Haven't heard what?"

"Bradley is dead."

No Lisbon hadn't been expecting that one in the least. "What?"

"He was murdered two days ago," she explained, "everyone is talking about it."

"Murdered?"

She nodded. "Some cops already came in here yesterday, are you with them?"

Lisbon numbly shook her head. "No, I'm not a cop." Not anymore, not for several years now, no matter how her mind rebelled against that label.

After several minutes of arguing Lisbon was finally able to wrangle an interview with one of Bradley's coworkers. "Cubicle buddies" as he called it, the buddy being Timothy Hart, a young twenty-something man who looked like he'd rather be at home play video games. "Do you know what happened?" Lisbon asked, unable to temper down the side that needed to get to the bottom of _this_ murder too.

Timothy shook his head. "I thought he was playing hooky, until the cops came in here yesterday. I don't know anyone who would want to kill Brad."

"Did he ever talk about a woman? Claire Hensworth?"

He nodded. "I think she was a friend of his, she killed herself a while back."

"Did he mention anything about it?"

Timothy shrugged. "I know he was the one who found her."

"Yes but did he ever talk about any doubts that it was a suicide?"

He blinked a few times and thought about the question for a bit. "Actually, he said that he couldn't believe Claire would kill herself. He kept thinking that someone must have drugged her or something like that."

"Did he ever look into it?"

"Not that I know of," Timothy explained, "But I didn't know him that well."

No, they had been "cubicle buddies" not friends. Sometimes Lisbon had to remind herself that not everyone got as close to coworkers as she had, not everyone made a family with them. She closed her eyes against the rush of pain and mustered up something of a smile. "Thank you for your time."

She wanted to leave this building as soon as possible. Actually she wanted to leave this state.

* * *

Lisbon had the feeling that only one day into the case and she was already at a dead end. She wasn't that surprised, cold cases tend to hit brick walls quickly. But she couldn't shake the thought that there was more to it. It seemed weird that Bradley had been killed, the one witness to Claire's death.

Sure, it might have been a coincidence, these things did happen. But Lisbon didn't like that explanation one bit. Something was going on and she didn't know what it was.

A theory formed in her head and she couldn't shake it. What if Bradley hadn't been willing to accept the idea that Claire had killed herself anymore than her brother had? What if he had decided to look into things himself. If he'd discovered something well…well that might explain why he'd been killed. To keep him quiet.

There was only one way to find out.

She drove the twenty-minute ride all the way to Bradley Wilk's home. The place was dark and crime scene tape sealed the front door shut. She knew that technically this was illegal but that only mattered if she got caught, besides, she had no desire to go through proper channels. Doing so would mean putting herself on her old team's radar and she didn't want them to know they were in the same time zone again.

But Lisbon didn't want to break the seal of evidence so she hopped a fence and headed around back to the backdoor. The lock was simple design and easy to pick, she'd learned a few tricks on the job in San Francisco and Jane had taught her a few more. Lisbon gritted her teeth and forced his face from her mind as the door swung open.

She didn't know anything about the case but she knew enough to hug the walls as she made her way through the back door. The kitchen was small and led to an open living room. Everything was in place; there were no signs that any murder had occurred here at all. But looks could be deceiving.

Lisbon rummaged through one drawer but only found a pen and old deck of playing cards. There was some very nice electronic equipment including a surround sound system that undoubtedly would have give her a headache, his passion had been for the toys obviously.

She made her way towards the bedroom, the only logical place where she might be able to find something but she was caught up short by the smell of blood.

Blood, it was everywhere.

Now she was somewhere else, in another time, another home as she opened the bedroom door. The smell of blood, that was always the first thing she noticed. Smelling it now made her sick and she had to resist the urge to vomit what little she had choked down for lunch. She never should have come here, it was too much, too similar. How would she even be able to survive this?

But her eyes took in the sight in front of her.

The blood was everywhere on the bed, soiling it down to the mattress and some had dripped onto the carpet. But rather than send her into a frenzy, she felt a bit of relief. This wasn't that same bedroom, no, it was something else entirely. The proof of that was staring at her in the face.

Drawn on the wall over the headboard was a red cross.

So, someone else had a penchant for painting on walls with blood. But this was a cross, not a smiling face. The irony wasn't lost on her but she also wondered if this meant there was a religious motivation to it. Her first thought was maybe a hate crime but she hadn't seen any religious symbols around Bradley's home, it didn't seem like he'd been particularly religious.

Perhaps the killer just liked the dramatic flair, a bloody cross was something that would shock, horrify and frighten most people because it was the opposite of what the cross originally meant. If that was the case then Lisbon had a feeling this killer was going to be very dangerous indeed.

Of course that didn't mean Bradley's killer and Claire's were one and the same. There hadn't been any indication that Claire's killer had the same flair, there hadn't been a bloody cross or anything of the like. No, it was looking more and more likely that these two cases were simply two tragic coincidences and nothing more.

Still Lisbon wasn't going to leave any stone uncovered. She peeked through Bradley's drawers, avoiding the blood stained bed and tried to keep her eyes away from the cross. But she wasn't finding anything. The only thing that spoke of Bradley's friendship to Clair was a framed photograph of them in a group; it looked like something from their college days, probably from a football game. So college friends, interesting but nothing that could really help her. In his bedside drawer there was a clipping on Claire's suicide and her obituary, again it was interesting but there weren't any notes, no signs that Bradley had done anything more than kept a few mementos of a dead friend.

Lisbon was ready to leave and try for some other clue on Claire's death, maybe interview the investigators but she heard something. A soft noise, like someone creeping through the house. Her heart pounded in her chest and she pulled out her gun. She pressed her back against the wall by the door and quietly waited.

Her heart beat a few more times and then the door burst open.

"Down on the ground!" She shouted at the same time another voice said loudly.

"Put the gun down and your hands up."

Wait a minute…she knew that voice.

Through the haze of flashlights they blinked at each other. She made out two figures one very tall with short hair, holding the flashlight at her eye level. The other much shorter but with a straight military posture.

Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

She lowered her gun the same time Cho lowered his but they never broke eye contact. Rigsby was the one who gaped at her, still shining the flashlights in her eyes. "Boss?" he gasped.

Lisbon flinched not just as the title which no longer belonged to her but at the situation.

There was no way she could run now.

* * *

A/N: Well what did you think? Confused? You should be because this fic is going to have a TON of flashbacks so it will be a bit of a wait before things become clear. Next chapter, Lisbon gets to come face to face with her whole team...yes her WHOLE team and that includes Jane hehehe.


	2. A Mistake By Any Other Name

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

A/N: Nerwen Aldarion: Hey guys! Wow a lot of interesting theories about what happened but most of all everyone just seems to want answers. My advice is to pay attention to the clues we are sprinkling along the way. They are there, and things will become clearer with time.

A/N Tinvuiel Undomiel: A lot of good stuff happens this chapter and the mystery of what happened five years ago continues. I think you all will enjoy it, especially because it has plenty of Jisbon.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Frede**: Erm, we don't speak french but thank you for reading!

**Anonymous**: Well here is chapter 2! A lot happened that made Lisbon decide to abandon California for New York, you'll get your answers...with time hehehe

**Anonymous**: Next is Lisbon being interrogated by Jane and some more flashback revealing what happened to get everything where we are now

**Beatrice**: I (Nerwen) seem to be addicted to angst, I love taking these characters and breaking them apart and then gluing the pieces back together hehehe. You have hit the nail on the head in regards to her character. She doesn't like who she is and while it is hard to see how she became the way she is, there are specific events that occurred that destroyed her to the point that she no longer recognizes herself. You are right, deep down she knows that she needs to go back to who she used to be but at this point she is so lost that she doesn't know how. As for the green-eyed man in her dream, oh you are right, and that will become important later. You are also one of the few people who caught Lisbon's reaction to kids, that is VERY important and while you are close, you aren't right either. She does feel failure when it comes to her brothers, but that isn't why Lisbon reacted so strong to kids...just keep thinking, I know you'll get it eventually.

**Anonymous**: Well here's a new chapter, but I have a feeling it will give more questions than answers

**Anonymous**: Well here it is!

**Big Mentalist:** I love it when I destroy Lisbon, the most fun is for me to switch Jane and Lisbon's roles. Happy to see you love Lavinia too.

**Anonymous**: Awww thanks so much, we are of course writing more hehehe

**KrrdmN**: Oh there is a lot, just wait for the ride hehehe

**NOTE: ALL SCENES THAT ARE IN ITALICS ARE FLASHBACKS!**

* * *

Chapter 2: A Mistake By Any Other Name

Lisbon had been in the interrogation room of the CBI thousands of times but this was the first time she had ever been on the opposite side of the table. She could see why some suspects found this intimidating, simply sitting there staring at her reflection. She had nothing else to look at.

Her hair hung limp around her face, she hadn't gotten a decent haircut in months…or maybe it was over a year. It was hard to remember these days. She saw the permanently set frown on her face, was it her imagination or did it make her look older? She'd looked better, that she was certain of. She wanted to care but she wasn't able to muster up anything but a bit of sadness, she just didn't have the energy to be upset. Being miserable and hating herself took up far too much of her time.

So she simply waited and wondered.

Which one of them was going to come in?

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"I'm not doing it," Rigsby declared to the other members of the team.

"Why not?" Cho asked, his voice was void of emotion but it wasn't lost on anyone that he wasn't jumping to the task either.

Rigsby had to think about it for a minute. "Conflict of interest."

Grace snorted. "We all have that problem."

"Then none of us should do it."

"One of us has to."

"Why?"

She sighed heavily. "She broke into an active crime scene, not only is that breaking the law but it makes her a suspect."

Rigsby raised an eyebrow. "You really think Lisbon killed our vic?"

"No but we have to follow procedure."

"Okay," Rigsby told her smoothly, "you do it."

Now Grace blanched and backed away. "I…I can't."

"Why not?" Cho asked her this time; she was cornered between the two men.

Her eyes darted from one then the other as she tried to by some time to think about why she couldn't interrogate Lisbon. She had to come up with a better reason than Rigsby's. "Uh…she, she's the one who _taught_ me how to interrogate suspects, she'd know every trick I tried."

"That's true for all of us," Rigsby said with a sigh.

"We still have to do it," Cho pointed out.

"Then you do it."

Cho was quiet then shook his head. "No."

Grace crossed her arms. "And why not?"

"Because I don't want to." Well he was the honest one at least.

For a long while they all stared at each other, occasionally their gaze flicking to the woman who was behind the glass. She couldn't see them but they had an unobstructed view of her…it was a lot more than they'd had in the last four years.

Rigsby turned away from her with a sigh. "All right, rock, paper, scissors to see who has to interrogate her." He held out his fist over his open palm.

Grace and Cho gaped up at him. "You serious?" Cho asked.

"You got a better idea?"

They both looked at each other and shrugged before repeating Rigsby's motion. Two seconds later Grace and Cho both held their 'paper' aloft over Rigsby's forlorn little 'rock'.

"Shit," He said, "Do I have to?"

Before anyone could say anything the door to the interrogation room opened and the team realized who was taking over this chore for them. Rigsby exchanged wide eyes with his friends. "Guess not."

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Lisbon was still sitting and staring at her reflection when the door to interrogation opened. She turned her head expecting one of three people, there was no way she would be wrong.

Except she was.

She blinked three times but the image did not go away. It was Jane standing there in the doorway looking at her with a look of grave seriousness and real pain, what was he seeing? What was he thinking? She had no idea.

"Hello Lisbon," he said softly. He walked over to the table and took a seat across from her, the place she used to be.

She couldn't stop staring. He looked the same, exactly the same. Shouldn't his hair be thinner? Maybe a touch of gray? He should have more laugh lines, a few wrinkles, something that showed these past few years had been torture for him as well.

But there was nothing. No sign whatsoever, if anything he looked…better. Was that because it had been so long since she'd seen him? Or maybe it was because he didn't care, he was happy to get what he wanted and she was just collateral damage. Maybe he was proud of himself.

Maybe he was happy.

That thought filled her with all consuming rage. What right did he have to be happy? After what he did to her, after everything that happened, he should be miserable. He should be wracked with guilt, with shame…but he wasn't.

She narrowed her eyes at him and fought the urge to hurt him…like she did the last time they met. It was strange, the last time she'd looked at him he'd been laying on the ground after she hit him and she'd had her gun pointed straight at him. For several moments she had honestly wanted to do it…to pull that trigger.

But she hadn't. She still didn't know why.

"No," she told him harshly, "I'm not doing this." Lisbon pushed away from the table and made to exit the room.

"Lisbon, sit down," Jane told her. His voice was still soft but it wasn't a request, it was a demand.

She didn't turn around to look at him. "I don't have to listen to you."

"Technically you do since you are now just a civilian," she could actually hear his smile, "for once, I have the authority."

And just like that she seriously wanted to hit him again.

"Don't do it," Jane told her. "If you hit me you'll be arrested for assaulting a CBI employee and then they would have to book you and trust me, you don't want to be in County. Orange isn't your color."

How the hell did he do that?

The worst part was he was absolutely right, the bastard.

Lisbon turned around and gave him a scathing glare but Jane didn't seem fazed in the least. "Sit down, please."

Like an unruly teenager Lisbon flopped down on the seat. She waited for the questions, waited for Jane to begin to ask what she was doing and why. But he didn't. Instead he simply sat there looking at her, his lips curled up just a tiny bit. Lisbon gave him an annoyed look. "What is it?"

"Nothing," he told her calmly, "I'm just looking at you."

She narrowed her eyes at him, trying to figure out his game. "Why?"

"It's been five years, Lisbon," he reminded her, "is it hard to believe that I just want to look at you."

"Yes."

"Well that's a sad thought."

"Just cut the crap, Jane."

He tsked under his breath. "It appears the Big Apple has rubbed off on you. You know you didn't have to go native."

Now she gaped at him. "How did you know I was in New York?" But Jane's answer was a sly grin. Did he already known the information? Had he peaked at her driver's license or maybe he'd noticed something else. She didn't know, did it really matter? She leaned back in her chair and scrutinized him. "You quit."

"So did you."

"But you are working here."

"Well I changed my mind."

Lisbon couldn't help but wonder when Jane returned. She knew it was after she quit, not that she stuck around long after he left. But it had to have been after she left California too, there was no way he had been in Sacramento in those months after she quit. If he had then he would have discovered her secret…and there was no way he would sit there casually talking to her if that was the case.

He'd hate her.

Instead she turned her thoughts back to Jane. "Why would you do that?"

He shrugged. "Does it matter, here we are. Separate sides of the table, you never thought this would happen did you?"

"Actually I did," she told him icily, "but you were on this side."

Jane actually grinned now. "I suppose that was within the realm of possibility."

She was tired of this game; tired of acting like they were back to the place they used to be. They weren't. There was an ocean of pain and betrayal between them now, not to mention the lies and deceit that was on both sides. "Just stop it, Jane. Ask me your questions so I can leave."

"Oh but I have tons of questions," he told her and she honestly believe him. "Why did you feel the need to leave? Why couldn't you seek help when you needed it? Do your brothers even know where you are?"

"Shut up," she hissed, it was the brothers line that did her in. Too much guilt and pain, reminders of what she'd done.

Jane didn't seem fazed by her anger; he rarely ever had been before so there was nothing new. "What brings a New York private investigator to Sacramento? You don't want to be here, that's fairly obvious so it must be a case."

Lisbon glared at him. "I'm investigating a girl's death."

"Is it related to Bradley Wilks?"

"No."

"Then why did you break into his home?"

She leaned back against her seat. "I didn't know he was dead until I talked to his co-workers. I thought there might be a connection but when I saw the scene it was obvious, your case is ritualized, someone acting out a fantasy."

Jane was smiling softly again. "And yours isn't?"

"Not that I know of."

"Maybe I should take a look at it."

"Absolutely not," she told him quickly. "I'm not going to work with you again."

"And why not?"

"Why not?" she repeated, she couldn't believe he'd said that. "Why not? How about the last time we worked together you made my life miserable…"

"We worked together for nine years."

"I don't care how long we worked together," she hissed out menacingly, "not after the hell you put me through when it ended."

His eyes grew a little sad. "Do you really blame me?"

"I blame both of us," she told him honestly.

Jane was quiet as he took in her words, his eyes studying her intently. It was like he was probing her, searching for something, maybe some small piece of her old self. But that Teresa Lisbon was long gone, she died in a mess of blood and chaos.

"You look like hell." She didn't reply to that, she knew it was true. "Why would you let this consume you like this? You know it isn't worth it."

She shook her head. "I'm not like you, Jane. I don't have revenge to give me purpose, that isn't an option for me." Then a ghost of a smile appeared on her lips. "Of course, you're still here."

He raised an eyebrow at her words. "Is that what it would take? Revenge, on me? You want to kill me now?" Lisbon looked away but she didn't say anything. "You won't."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because you had your opportunity once before," Jane reminded her, "you didn't take it then and you won't do it now."

He was right of course. She'd had her gun pointed straight at him but she hadn't done it. There was no way she would kill him now, she didn't have the drive anymore…if she ever did. She glared at him and seethed. "I hate you." She'd said those words many times over the years, but she meant them now.

Jane didn't seem at all fazed by her words. "I know."

She met his eyes. "I asked one thing of you."

"You came back," he reminded her, "I didn't have any control over this." She glanced away but Jane continued. "I did as you asked, I left. But I'm not going to do that this time."

Now Lisbon froze and she looked up at him once more. "What?"

"I'm not going to let this opportunity pass me by," Jane told her simply, "My life is linked with yours and there is no way you can escape that, you just have to accept it."

"I don't have to accept anything," she hissed.

"Isn't it a bit late to be making that argument?"

Lisbon didn't want to hear anymore of this, especially when Jane was more right then he knew. She was linked to him in an irrevocable way, he might not know it but she did, even if she wished should be forget about it completely.

"Either charge me or I'm leaving," Lisbon threatened, knowing that she wasn't going to be charged with anything. She didn't wait for Jane to say anything; instead she got up and made for the door.

"So you are just going to run again," Jane called out afterwards. "How has that been working for you lately?"

She paused in her steps but didn't turn around; she hated the way he made her sound like a coward. Lisbon stormed out, not looking behind her to see the rest of her old team watch her leave. She marched towards the exit but stopped in the hallway.

People were staring and whispering at her and she knew why. Here she was in exactly the same place she was five years ago. Everything was the same…except her. Once upon a time she'd been a confident agent that had her life put together, she'd been happy and content, she'd been able to sleep most nights. She hadn't hated herself.

But just like before when those elevators doors closed she swore she would never step inside this building again.

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Jane watched her leave with a profound sense of sadness and determination. He knew things were bad, that Lisbon had let her entire life fall apart to a state he never wanted her to be in. But there was a difference between _knowing_ and seeing for himself.

He heard the rest of the team come up behind him and they all remained quiet for a few minutes. It was Rigsby who stated the obvious. "She's a mess." Jane nodded his head but didn't say anything, which might be why Rigsby continued. "I mean it's worse than before."

Grace sighed heavily. "What are we going to do?"

Now Jane turned around to look at them. "Nothing, for now."

Cho was the one who knew exactly what Jane meant. "All right, what are _you_ going to do?"

He couldn't help but smile at Cho's cleverness. "I'm going to keep an eye on her."

But the other man wasn't quite as amused, or maybe he was suspicious about his intentions. "We're supposed to just let you handle this."

Jane shrugged. "I broke her, I fix her."

"You didn't break her, Jane," Grace told him softly, "Red John did that."

He didn't agree with her, they all knew it. Instead he sighed, "Regardless, we all know that the only person who can do this is me. We all know why."

There was no need to explain, none of them forgot about what happened all those years ago, or what the significance of Lisbon finally returning meant. Especially for Jane.

"Is there anything we can do?" Grace asked.

Jane nodded. "Don't tell her anything."

The three of them exchanged looks of shock. "What?" Rigsby said.

"Don't tell her anything about me or what happened after she left," Jane told them.

Grace shook her head. "No, no I don't want to do that. We've kept so many secrets already and now she's here…she should know!"

"I don't want her running away again," Jane explained, "if she finds out too much she'll become overwhelmed and afraid so for now…for now let's focus on her and the case and not the past."

"And what if she asks?" Grace pointed out.

Jane was quiet for a minute before saying. "If she asks…then tell her the truth because that will mean she is ready." He paused before telling her sternly, "but she has to ask. Until then, let me do this my way."

They didn't want to agree to it but they really had no choice. The only person that could possibly fix this was Jane.

They just had no idea how.

* * *

Lisbon went straight to her hotel room after leaving the CBI but it was far too late. Now her mind was filled with memories, both good and bad but all gave her pain. The bad memories filled her with despair and the good memories only heightened the guilt. At this point she knew that either way she lost.

It hurt to think about the team, to remember what she once had and then walked away from. They had stood by her through so much, helped her through even more. The fact that they had helped taken care of her in the months after she quit proved that they had long since become friends and coworkers…they were family.

Not anymore.

She tried to sleep that night but wound up staring up at the ceiling for hours, trying to get her mind to shut off and quit rifling through her thoughts. But she didn't have any alcohol to numb the pain at the moment and she wasn't going to just be able to cut it off either. At around five in the morning she gave up and grabbed her keys to find a diner to pass the time.

Lisbon was the only customer in the diner and she drank no less than three cups of coffee in order to keep herself awake. The pancakes were decent but she decided to skip the eggs, they were a reminder of someone she'd just as soon forget. But that was impossible.

It hadn't escaped her attention that Lisbon was following in Jane's footsteps. Here she was eating in a diner in the early hours of the morning after a sleepless night. How long would it be before she holed herself up in an attic? The only difference is that Jane had revenge to live for, she had nothing.

Her life stretched before her like an empty road. There was only darkness, no light to give her guidance or hope. Hope, that word alone was enough to pierce her heart. For just a second she let herself remember that brief moment where she'd had it, she'd thought that maybe she could get through this. Maybe she would have something, someone to live for, that she would be able work through her pain and find happiness again. Hope had done that.

But not for long.

Her only choice had been to run. Run far away and never look back, never allow her darkness to infect an innocent soul like a poison. It didn't matter what misery these last few years had been, it was more than she deserved.

After whittling away a couple of hours at the diner Lisbon returned back to the hotel room. She flipped through the channels for a little while but there was nothing on except early morning talk shows and infomercials. She did sit there and listen to one over plucked TV host interview a psychiatrist on how women can "battle depression by empowering themselves" he recommended kickboxing. Lisbon rolled her eyes, knowing how to kick any man's ass certainly didn't make her feel better.

She gave up on TV and decided to take a shower to try and clear the cobwebs from not sleeping and wash off the terrible day before. She turned on the hot water full blast until the steam hung thick in the air and her skin grew pink from the heat but it felt good. The fact that it was almost painful only made things better, it meant she was feeling something. She stayed that way until the hot water ran out, then she reluctantly wrapped herself up in a towel and exited the bathroom.

Only to jump a foot in the air. "Jesus Christ!"

Jane was sitting casually on her bed, lounging really. His eyes twinkled with amusement. "No, I'm not him," then he looked her up and down and his smile grew, "but I think he likes me."

Lisbon blushed and clutched the towel tighter to her body. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"We already did that."

"I wanted to talk to you without the rest of the team watching us through a window," Jane explained, "and I'd like to take a look at your case file."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "No."

Jane didn't seem fazed at all by her statement. "I'm offering my services free of charge."

"I don't want them."

He simply smiled. "You can accept my help or you can stand there and keep your pride while I find the case file myself and look into it, either way you know I'll be looking into this case."

Lisbon stood there, still dripping wet and wearing nothing but a towel but she desperately wanted to kick his ass. "This is your plan? To break into my hotel room and force yourself onto my case…why?"

His eyes grew serious and sad. "You already know."

She shook her head. "No, Jane. I'm not going to believe your lies this time."

Jane didn't seem to react to that statement. Instead he nodded his head lightly, she didn't know if he was agreeing with her or just understanding why she wasn't going to believe a word that dripped off of his honeyed tongue. "All right, how about another reason? You say the two cases are not connected but I find that hard to believe, obviously you do too or you wouldn't have broken into our victim's home."

Damn, he had her there.

She straightened up, trying to keep her dignity even though she was still basically naked in front of him. "It is probably just a coincidence."

"Perhaps, but if you'd like to put all of your doubts to rest then you will give me your case file." Lisbon still didn't budge; she didn't want anything to do with him. Jane must have sensed that. "How about this? You let me look at the file and if I find nothing in it that could connect our two cases then I'll leave you alone."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "You made that promise before."

"Actually I didn't say anything before," Jane reminded her.

He was right. After she put the gun down and told him to leave he had, but he hadn't said a word. His first words to her in nearly five years had been yesterday. He hadn't actually made a promise…but by doing as she'd asked she'd assumed it was implied. That was a stupid thing to do; she never should have assumed anything when it came to Jane. That was what got her into this mess in the first place.

Still this was an actual promise, one she could hold over his head…and she damn well wanted to be sure these cases weren't connected.

"Fine," she told him icily, "you look at the case file and then you leave my life for good."

Jane smiled. "Only if I don't find anything."

Lisbon chose to ignore his addendum and simply glared at him instead. "Leave so I can get dressed."

Now Jane raised an eyebrow at her. "So modest? Don't you think it is a bit late to put the genie back into that bottle?"

She blushed at his words, knowing exactly what he meant. The memories were potent and haunted her every day, especially now with him right in front of her looking the same as he did before and so close to a bed.

Lisbon gritted her teeth and grabbed the first clean clothes she could lay her hands on. "Fine, stay, I'll change in the bathroom."

Jane simply grinned in amusement while she slammed the door, trying not to look at his smug face. She changed quickly; silently reminding herself of every terrible thing this man had done to her. She was not going to make those same mistakes. Once he was done looking at the file he would leave her life forever and she would be able to find some way to forget him.

He was still lounging on the bed when she entered the room, she didn't look at him as she marched over to the small table and gathered up the case file before handing it to him without any courtesy. "The victim is Claire Hensworth, she died last year here, the coroner ruled it a suicide but her brother thinks otherwise."

"And so do you," Jane pointed out, "otherwise you wouldn't be here."

Lisbon nodded a little. "I think it was staged."

Jane found the photographs and gave them one good long glance. "You're right. She didn't finish painting her nails."

Now she was the smug one. "I saw that myself."

But Jane didn't seem cowed by her pride; in fact he gave her an equally haughty look. "Yes, but how many hours did you spend staring at this picture before you finally saw it?"

She frowned immediately; she hated it when he cut her down…even when he was right. "She was murdered but there isn't any indication that it is connected with your case. Wilks was killed in a ritual killing with a blatant signature, Claire's didn't have anything like that."

Lisbon expected Jane to agree with her assessment but to her surprise he was still staring intently at one of the photographs, he barely seemed to have heard her. She knew that look well and it made her stomach twist into a tight knot. That look meant Jane was seeing something very, very important.

"What is it?"

Jane still didn't look at her. "Nothing, you're right. There isn't a bloody cross on the wall in these pictures." But his voice suggested there was something else.

"But…?"

He smiled knowingly at her. "No."

Now she was confused. "What do you mean no?"

"No, I can't divulge details of an active investigation?"

"Are you kidding me?" Lisbon exclaimed.

"Well you are a civilian."

"Now you are following the rules," she scoffed at him, standing firm and straight, crossing her arms over her chest. "So that's it, you aren't going to tell me anything."

Jane tucked the photographs back into the file calmly. "There's nothing to tell…yet."

She raised an eyebrow now. "Yet?"

"Mmmhmm," Jane murmured and stood up. "Let's go."

She frowned, her brows creasing. "Go? Go where?"

"To Claire's apartment of course."

Lisbon stopped in her tracks and gave him a look of anger and shock. "And what makes you think I'm going to go anywhere with you?"

Jane shrugged. "Nothing, you can stay here while I work your case for you. It's perfectly fine by me."

Then he actually turned around and walked out the door.

For a few seconds Lisbon stood still and watched him, debating over how badly she wanted to avoid him for the rest of her life and her need to solve this case. She didn't want to be alone in a car with him; she didn't want to be alone with him at all.

"Son of bitch," she growled before grabbing her things and following Jane once more.

* * *

_Five Years Earlier_

_ There was always the heavy feeling of fatigue that followed closing a case, usually it was combated with triumph over bringing justice but there were also those cases that didn't bring jubilance but instead dredged up emotional scars that could not be put to rest. This was most certainly one of those times. Lisbon knew what was waiting for her, a sleepless night full of tears and painful memories, she wasn't very eager to get to it._

_ It had all started with a missing person's case. A teenage girl had gone missing and it had been a giant mess from the start with her family telling one lie after another. It had been brutal tearing the layers of the case apart, particularly when the girl's body was finally found in a shallow grave in the woods. Slowly they had discovered the truth, the girl's abusive father had killed her and then put together a shoddy cover-up to conceal the crime, even trying to frame the girl's boyfriend._

_ The case brought forth too many painfully familiar feelings for obvious reasons, the longer it took for them to finally find the evidence to convict the father, the more depressed she'd become. Now she had what she wanted but she couldn't be happy now, instead all she wanted to do was curl up in the dark and cry. Perhaps she wanted to shed tears for the blonde brown-eyed girl who hadn't been able to defend herself, or maybe it was for the green-eyed teenager who had grown up too fast and saw far too much of herself in the girl._

_ She curled herself up on the big white couch, ignoring the reports that needed to be filed, instead trying her best not to fall down into the deep pit of despair she was circling. She didn't look up when Jane walked into her office but she wasn't surprised, he had a habit of coming to her when she didn't want him but still needed him._

_ He didn't say a word, not until he had found the small bottle of liquor she kept in her desk. Jane walked over and offered her a small amount in a glass. "A little can only help," he told her._

_ Now she looked up at him with a slightly annoyed look but in his beautiful eyes she saw only the gentle concern of a very close friend. She accepted the glass and tossed it back, hiding the slight burn as it went down her throat. The warmth was welcome but it did little to stop the pain that was washing over her._

_ Jane took a seat next to her, gently taking her hand and running the pad of his thumb over her knuckles. He rarely treated her with this level of intimacy, only when something truly terrible had happened and one or both of them needed comfort. They're relationship had boundaries that weren't supposed to be crossed. But lately they both were blurring those lines._

_ She wasn't thinking about those walls, she was completely consumed by her dark past. Jane's hand was a comfort, something for her to hold on to in this moment and she was simply grateful._

_ "You don't always have to be so strong," Jane told her softly._

_ Lisbon blinked up at him, more than a little confused. "What?"_

_ His gaze was steady and gentle. "You shouldn't keep it pent up like this, letting it out is therapeutic. You'll feel better."_

_ Oh, that's what he meant. She should talk about it…or cry about it. She never did that. She didn't talk about her past, didn't think about her past because all she wanted to do was pretend that it had never happened. _

_ Lisbon shook her head. "I can't."_

_ He tilted his head, giving her a look that said he didn't buy that excuse. "Why not?"_

_ She took in a breath and kept her eyes on his. "You know what it is like, if I let it out now I'll never be able to put it back."_

_ He nodded but was still very serious. "If you deny it happened then you'll always be haunted by it."_

_ She considered that for a moment. It was true; denial hadn't really worked for her over the years. There were always the nights where she woke up in a cold sweat after reliving the horrors of her father over and over again. She still remembered bundling up Will to take him to the hospital after coming home and finding him broken and bleeding on the floor with her father passed out on the couch beside him._

_ Jane must have seen her struggling with those thoughts because he moved a couple of inches closer to her, his hand now holding onto her shoulder. "Let it out."_

_ Lisbon fought to stay strong…but she couldn't turn him down._

_ "I don't understand," she began softly, "I'll never understand how a father could turn on his kids like that." She shook her head as two tears spilled down her cheeks. "I still remember when I was little, I used to tell the other kids at school that my dad was a hero. He would run into burning buildings to save lives." Her voice cracked as more tears fell, "He used to call me 'munchkin' and would take me on drives, just him and me, taking me to surprise places for ice cream or the park. Mom used to say that we were so much alike, there was no doubt I was his daughter."_

_ There was a long pause as the memories crashed down. "Then he was this _monster_. He shouted and screamed. I'd beg him to stop but then he'd just slap me to the ground and drink some more."_

_ She wiped away the tears but more just fell in her place, Jane's hand was now on her back, his presence still so close and comforting. But she couldn't stop, it was like she said, there was no keeping it in anymore. "He got angry when I yelled back, when I threw one of his bottles in rage. He slapped me, then punched and kicked me. I just kept thinking 'This time he won't stop, he'll kill me.' And I actually thought, 'Good…I wish I was dead'."_

_ Then she burst into tears and couldn't stop sobbing. Jane gave up any pretense and pulled her close into a warm embrace, gently stroking her hair. "Shhhh," he whispered, "It's okay."_

_ She kept on crying. "Why?" she asked, "why weren't we enough? We were his kids, his children…why wasn't that enough?"_

_ Jane looked into her eyes and shook his head. "I don't know."_

_ Lisbon wanted a clear answer but the truth was she didn't believe there was one anyways. "I thought it was my fault," she admitted, "sometimes I wonder if I could have done something, if I could have stopped it all."_

_ He tensed up and turned her head to look at him. "Hey, you don't ever think that because you are wrong. Everything that happened, that was _his_ weakness, it had nothing to do with you."_

_ "But—."_

_ "No," he interrupted, "He was ten times the fool for not seeing what he had. I know it because you are someone to live for, Lisbon, someone _I_ live for. Don't ever doubt your worth again."_

_ She gaped at him for a long moment. "No one has ever said anything like that to me."_

_ A small smile ghosted his lips. "Their loss, you deserve so much more than that."_

_ She smiled up at him, another one more tear spilling down her cheek. "Thank you," she told him though she wasn't entirely sure why she was thanking him. Maybe for giving her the opportunity to release some of her burden, or maybe it was because he was telling her exactly what she needed to hear._

_ Jane smiled back at her softly and reached up to brush the tear away with his thumb. She felt the warm pad of his fingertip against the curve of her cheek. Their eyes remained locked on each other and suddenly there was a new feeling in the room, a high tension that was like the hum of electricity. His face grew serious but he didn't move his hand, still stroking her cheek with his thumb._

_ Lisbon couldn't tear her eyes away from his. She felt her heart thrumming her chest and heard the air escaping her lungs in soft quick pants. She reached up to cover the hand that was caressing her cheek with hers._

_ He stopped but he still stared at her and she stared right back, slightly inching closer as she prayed he would do something and fear that he actually would._

_ Then his other hand reached up to cup her cheek and Jane brought her closer to gently brush his lips over hers._

_ At first that was all it was, a gentle teasing as a means to test the waters. Lisbon didn't pull back but felt that first touch like a jolt through her entire body, heat flooded her veins and she only had one thought. More._

_ Jane must have read her thoughts before just like that he was pushing impossibly closer and the kiss deepened into something far more passionate. Her hands crept around his neck to bury themselves in his blonde curls while still kept his hands on either side of her face, keeping her in the perfect place while he ravished her with his mouth._

_ It was heavenly, he tasted like spice tea and warmth and she loved every second of it. She moaned and opened her lips to let his tongue explore. She let herself become completely consumed by him, clear thinking could come later._

_ It seemed like forever and yet too soon when Jane pulled back, both of them panting heavily. Now their eyes met once more and while the passion was still there, fear and shock was quickly taking its place._

_ But they didn't move. Jane was practically on top of her while she half reclined on the couch, her fingers still at his nape. "What are we doing?" she asked, slightly breathless._

_ Jane sighed and shook his head, one fingertip tracing the curve of her cheek. "Something foolish."_

_ She felt a rush of dread in the pit of her stomach. She sat up and Jane moved off of her, sitting a couple of inches away. They stayed like that for a bit as they both caught their breath and tried to wrap their minds around what had just happened._

_ Finally she asked the obvious. "What do we do now?"_

_ But Jane didn't say anything, just looked away from her with a very serious expression. That was answer enough._

_ He didn't know…neither did she._

* * *

Lisbon stared out the window of Jane's familiar tin can on wheels. The damn thing still ran like a dream, she didn't know why Jane loved this car so much but she was certain it would outlive them all. It looked exactly the same; though she did note it seemed cleaner than usual, no tell tale gas pump receipts or anything on the floor to suggest it was lived in. But Lisbon didn't think about that long.

She didn't say a word to him except to give directions but sulked the whole way to Claire's old apartment. When they both stepped out of the car she couldn't help but feel the déjà vu, how many times had they done this the exact same way? Hundreds? Thousands? She didn't know, it didn't really matter. But just like always she had no idea what Jane had up his sleeve.

Jane simply led her up to the apartment as if nothing was wrong at all. He had a cocky smile on his face when he knocked on the door and a few moments later a small nerdy looking man with a bad bald spot and wire-rimmed glasses opened the door. "Can I help you?"

"I'm Patrick Jane with the CBI and this is Teresa Lisbon," Jane answered smoothly. Oh yeah, that's right, she wasn't an agent, he had the authority.

"What are you here for?"

"We're here about the death of the previous tenant."

"I thought that she committed suicide?"

Lisbon stepped forward, not comfortable with being the sidekick. "We have reason to believe that that might not be the case."

Now the guy looked scared. "You think she was _murdered_?"

Lisbon and Jane exchanged dubious looks before she asked. "May we come in, please?"

The man looked very nervous and not at all receptive to their intrusion. He kept sizing them up over and over again, maybe wondering if they actually were with the state police. Finally he stepped aside just a little, but they took that opportunity. "She was found in her bedroom," Lisbon reminded Jane as they immediately headed towards the back.

"I know."

"It was over a year ago, Jane."

"I know that too."

"Then what do you expect to find?"

"Can you tell me what is going on?" The current owner of the apartment asked.

"No," Lisbon and Jane said at the same time, not even looking at him.

Jane was looking around the room, surveying it. She didn't know what he was seeing but he never did anything without a reason. He paused and pointed at a canvas print of falling leaves. "That belonged to the previous tenant didn't it?"

The guy shrugged. "It's a furnished apartment, the print came with it. I tried to move it because it wasn't really my taste but I couldn't get it off."

Jane was already walking towards the print before the man had even finished talking. He ran his fingers down the sides of the canvas before turning to Lisbon. "We need to take this down."

She narrowed her eyes at him but decided it was better to indulge him in this effort. She walked over to give him a hand.

It took several minutes and quite a bit of effort as they pulled and yanked at the stubborn canvas. "What kind of super nails this in?" Lisbon wondered.

"He didn't do it," Jane explained and then grunted as he continued to pull on the print.

Suddenly the picture gave way with the sound of tearing canvas and Lisbon actually stumbled back from the inertia. She heard the owner's gasp, "Oh my God!" and she looked up to see what they had uncovered.

There, standing in stark contrast with the walls was a dark rusty colored cross, no need to wonder what it was painted with.

"Shit," she whispered.

Jane simply stood there staring at the cross on the wall, not in the least surprised.

There was no escaping it now.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

It didn't take long for the apartment to be overrun with SACPD, forensic guys taking pictures and Rigsby and Cho coming in to take a look at the new case. Lisbon was a little surprised that Van Pelt wasn't with them but she didn't push it, this wasn't her team anymore.

Cho and Rigsby took a good long look at the bloody cross on the wall and then went over to talk to Jane. She didn't miss the three of them occasionally glancing at her so she knew that this was about her. She walked over to them as a means of making it clear that she was going to be a part of this now.

"What do you know?" she asked them.

The three of them exchanged glances. "That depends on whether or not you'll be a part of this."

"This was my case," Lisbon reminded them.

"You're not a cop anymore," Cho replied.

"I'm still an investigator, I still have an obligation to see this case through."

Cho nodded. "It means you'll be working with us, including him," he gestured to Jane.

She flicked her eyes to the man in question and couldn't help but hesitate. She didn't want to work with Jane again, but her sense of obligation always outweighed any personal desire on her part. "I know," Lisbon replied.

Cho gave her a hard look before simply nodding. "Okay then."

Lisbon straightened in to her business stance. "What do you know?" she asked again and then turned specifically to Jane. "How did you know these cases were related?"

"The photos," Jane told her.

"You couldn't see the cross in the pictures."

"No," Jane agreed, "but there was something else."

She took a step closer. "What?"

The three of them exchanged looks again but Jane wasn't as hesitant to fully explain what was going on. "The cross isn't the only signature."

Now she was really confused. "What do you mean?"

"In addition to the bloody cross we found a chess piece sitting alone by Bradley Wilks's body." Jane explained, "It was something the killer left behind, and it was identical to the chess piece that was on Claire's bedside table."

Lisbon widened her eyes and scrambled for the photographs she had in the file in her hand. She flipped through them before finding the one in question and sure enough, there sitting by the little purple lamp was a small black chess piece. She looked up at Jane a little sheepish, "I didn't see that."

Jane just shrugged. "You didn't know what it meant and it was easy to miss."

She closed the file and sighed. "Why two signatures, that doesn't make much sense. The chess piece is subtle but the bloody cross is blatant and theatrical."

"They both mean different things," Jane explained. "The cross is to catch attention, the chess piece is a message. The pieces are pawns, meaning the victims are pawns in his goal."

"And what is that?"

"We don't know yet."

Lisbon nodded and turned her attention towards the rusty-red cross on the wall. "Why cover this one up?"

"It does seem to be strange," Rigsby agreed, "like he didn't want people to know this was his."

Jane turned around to study the mark on the wall and nodded. He had to see that this was strange but he didn't look like he had many answers either. "You're right, it is strange."

"Maybe it was his first," Cho offered, "He was testing himself."

"So he covered it up so that people wouldn't catch on," Rigsby continued.

"Maybe," Jane agreed but his voice suggested he wasn't all together pleased with that answer.

Lisbon wasn't satisfied either. This didn't make much sense, why would a serial killer choose a victim and then cover it up but still leave his signature? On one hand she could see why he might enjoy that knowledge that he had fooled the cops, there is a twisted kind of joy at being the smartest person in the room. On the other hand, it went completely against any profile, serial killers loved the limelight and the drama, covering it up negated all of that.

"You're thinking that there is more to this," Lisbon said to Jane.

He turned and smiled at her. "Actually I was thinking that I won the bet."

She glared at him. "It wasn't a bet."

"I told you I'd leave you alone if I didn't find something and I did," Jane reminded her, "It appears you are stuck with me whether you like it or not."

"I don't."

He simply shrugged and smiled as if that didn't matter to him. It probably didn't, she didn't know what this plan was but whatever it was it involved her. She didn't believe for a second that he was trying to make amends, mostly because she didn't believe he regretted using her for revenge.

That was the worst thing about what happened, finding out that she had never been anything more to him than a means to an end.

"I'll work with you, Jane," she told him icily, "but don't think for one second that this changes anything."

"Oh but it does," Jane told her, his voice filled with confidence. "Now you can't escape me."

She knew he meant that.

* * *

Just the day before Lisbon had vowed not to ever walk back through the CBI again, she was already breaking it and it hadn't even been twenty-four hours. If it was possible it seemed like even more people were staring at her as she made her way down the hall towards her old office…which now belonged to Cho.

That was strange, seeing Cho's name on the door where her own used to be. Like going back to your old house and finding out your bedroom was turned into a sewing room. Lisbon felt a wave of nostalgia and longing as she stepped through the door, she tried to tell herself that she didn't have any regrets but that wasn't actually true. She had a lot of regrets.

If she was honest about what she wanted in life it was to be able to go back to the way things used to be. She wanted to be in this office, leading this team, even working with Jane…the way it was supposed to be.

But after everything that had happened she knew she couldn't trust herself anymore. So she'd left, handed in her badge and walked out the door. It was better this way, Cho wouldn't have made the same terrible mistakes she had made. Obviously he was better at handling Jane anyways, mostly because he wouldn't be compromised the same way she was.

Cho waited behind _his_ desk and she took a seat. For a few moments they stared at one another before she spoke first. "I'm working this case."

He nodded; he wasn't going to fight her on this one. "This isn't your team."

"I know."

"It means this is my call," he pointed out, "my team takes the lead."

"I understand," Lisbon said, "but I am going to work this case and I want to know everything."

"You are a civilian…"

She shook her head. "Don't play this game, Cho. You know I'm a good investigator and that I can handle this."

He raised an eyebrow as if he wasn't so certain. "Can you be professional?"

"Of course."

"Really?" Cho asked, "Because I recall that you pulled a gun on one of my teammates."

She didn't flinch at the reminder that she had almost shot Jane five years ago. Instead she crossed her arms and simply stared back. "You're going to tell me he didn't deserve it?"

He shook his head. "Jane has deserved to be shot on more than one occasion." She wanted to smile at that statement, which was as true as the sky was blue. "But what I'm more concerned with is you being able to put your personal feelings aside."

"Don't expect me to play nice," Lisbon said honestly.

"If you can't work with him then you can't work this case."

"I won't shoot him," she replied, "and I'll only hit him if he deserves it."

"That's a start."

"What do you want me to say? I can't forgive him but I'll work with him. I'll follow your orders and acknowledge that this is your case," Lisbon continued, "But I want to be involved because it is my case too."

Cho nodded but he still seemed hesitant to let her work. She didn't know why, he knew as well as anyone that she was a professional. She'd put her feelings aside on more than one occasion, she could do it now.

"Or is this about you?" Lisbon asked, "Do you have a problem with me?"

He didn't say anything but she could tell by her demeanor she'd hit the nail on the head. "You want the truth? You're damaged goods."

She couldn't deny that it hurt to hear that. "I can work this case."

"Yes but can we work with _you_?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lisbon asked, "You're saying they don't want to work with me?"

Cho remained silent and she realized that he might actually be telling the truth. She didn't know what that meant though. Why would Rigsby and Van Pelt have a problem with her?

Another memory bubbled to the surface, of Grace standing in the doorway with a look of shock and horror.

_ "No, you can't do this!"_

_ "I have to"_

_ "But that's crazy"_

_ "Maybe I'm crazy now too."_

She'd heard her cry, both of them had been crying but she hadn't turned around. Never once looking back on what she was leaving behind, even as she sobbed along with them. She just walked away.

Lisbon struggled to keep her composure and Cho must have noticed. "You all right?"

"I'm fine," she told him. "I just want to work this case. Do you have any legitimate reason why I can't?"

He studied her for a moment before shaking his head. "No."

"Good," Lisbon said, "then we can get to work."

She stood up from the chair and made her way over to the bullpen with Cho following her. It would be the first time she'd been there in five years, the first time she'd seen Grace in over four.

Jane was lying on the couch like he always was, he seemed comfortable and serene. Nothing was bothering him in the world. But he was watching her carefully, as if gauging her reaction to something. Rigsby was at his desk, busy or at least pretending to be. He stopped to look up at her and she couldn't help but note the chilly look in his eye, so Cho wasn't wrong, they weren't all that happy to see her.

The last person she looked at was Grace; she was the hardest one to face.

She was at her desk with the computer on and a file in front of her. She didn't look angry, at least not yet. Grace was sadder more than anything, a slight blush on her cheeks as if from embarrassment. This was the person Lisbon had turned to the most, the one who knew her secrets, and the one she'd nearly destroyed as well.

There was something different though and Lisbon felt like she was staring through a telescope, trying to catch what was new but unable to fully grasp it, as if her mind didn't want to accept the truth. Then it was all clear.

Grace was pregnant.

Lisbon felt her heart pound and her palms sweat as she took note of other things. The wedding band on Grace's left hand, the small bump which Lisbon could guess meant she was about four or five months along.

She turned to look and sure enough, Rigsby had a matching band on his left hand.

They had gotten married, they were having a baby.

She'd missed that.

Lisbon looked over at Jane who gave her a small nod, he knew what she was seeing but she wasn't sure what that meant. Was he confirming that she had missed out on some major events in her friends' lives? Or maybe something more?

She turned back to Grace who was now resting a hand on her baby bump. "Hello, Lisbon," she said very softly.

Lisbon couldn't stop staring, couldn't stop remembering.

_"Promise me that you will not tell him…even if something happens."_

_ "Lisbon…"_

_ "Promise me!"_

_ Grace stood there with the duffel bag over her shoulder, her phone and car keys in one hand and a look of utter sadness on her face. She didn't want to do this and Lisbon knew it was a lot to ask of the woman who had taken it upon herself to care for her even when she never asked her to._

_ She had no idea how grateful she really was to her._

_ But she had to ask her for this._

_ "Promise me," she repeated again._

_ Grace blinked up at her with her large sad brown eyes and then very reluctantly nodded her head. "I promise," she whispered._

And she'd kept it. She must have. If she hadn't then Jane wouldn't be so nice…he would hate her.

Lisbon didn't say a word and Cho stood by her. "Lisbon will be working this case with us."

The others nodded their heads simply. "Where do we start?" Rigsby asked.

"Claire," Jane replied, "She was the first, she's the key. We need to find out what kind of connection she could have with the killer."

"I'll start looking into her background," Grace said, "maybe something will come up."

"Cross check with Wilks," Cho told her, "there might be another connection there."

They quickly went about their duties ignoring Lisbon entirely.

She took the opportunity to quietly slip away to the ladies room where they wouldn't have to see her cry.

* * *

_It had been over a week since the kiss in her office and things hadn't died down in the least. There had been an unspoken acknowledgement that they wouldn't talk about it and hopefully forget about what happened. But that was nearly impossible. Lisbon couldn't stop thinking about that kiss; she was haunted by it really._

_ So many questions plagued her. What did this mean? Did Jane feel something for her? Did she feel something for him? Why had he kissed her in the first place? Could they really pretend that nothing happened?_

_ Lisbon tried to get her mind off of it at home but no amount of mindless television or paperwork kept her from remembering what it felt like to run her fingers through Jane's curls or his mind searing kisses. Her dreams lately weren't helping at all; generally exploring what could have happened if they hadn't stopped._

_ She shouldn't be thinking about this…but she couldn't _stop_ thinking about it!_

_ After a long daydream over what could have happened she decided that enough was enough. Ignoring what happened wasn't working; it was time to face it directly. She was reaching for her car keys to go and find Jane when there was a knock on her door._

_ Puzzled and a little disappointed that someone was at her door, preventing her from doing what she wanted to do. She scowled as she opened the door…only to find Jane standing in front of her._

_ "What are you doing here?" she blurted out before her brain could catch up with her mouth._

_ Jane simply gave her a small smile. "The same reason you were on your way to see me." He nodded towards the keys in her hand._

_ She looked down at her car keys and blushed a little before stepping aside and letting him in. She didn't know how Jane knew she was planning on going to see him but there was no point in denying it now. She desperately wanted to talk to him._

_ But now that he was here, standing in front of her, she felt self-conscious and nervous. Her heart began to gallop in her chest and her palms started sweating. Jane didn't seem to be fazed at all, just sitting down on her couch as calm as can be._

_ She cleared her throat and took a seat on the other side of the couch, distance seemed like a good thing. "I…I guess we should talk about what happened." He nodded but didn't seem as enthusiastic. "Don't you think we should?"_

_ "I think the best thing is for us to go on like it didn't happen," Jane admitted, "unfortunately that is proving impossible."_

_ She didn't know what to think of that at all. But that didn't really matter; he was agreeing that they had to talk. "What is happening here, Jane?"_

_ He shook his head. "I'd say that's fairly obvious."_

_ "You know what I meant."_

_ Jane sighed heavily. "Years of pent up tension and emotions are finally coming to a head."_

_ Lisbon considered that for a moment. It made sense in a way; there certainly had been many close encounters over the years. They'd formed a bond and she couldn't very well deny that temptation had struck her more than once since she'd met Jane, with those instances occurring more and more often lately._

_ "So what happens now?" she asked him honestly, "Do you think there could be something between us?"_

_ "It would be best for you if there wasn't," Jane told her honestly. "You could certainly do better than me."_

_ "Do you really believe that?"_

_ "Of course I do."_

_ She shook her head. "I decide who I do or don't deserve."_

_ Jane gave her a look that basically said 'have it your way'. But he still maintained eye contact. "You have to know that I'm not good for you."_

_ Well she couldn't very well deny that. "I know. My biggest fear is giving you so much and losing it all. You've hurt me a lot over the years, I still don't know why I keep forgiving you, why I even am thinking about something like _this_ with you."_

_ He smiled softly at her. "Because you are the most generous and open-hearted person I know, you never give up on me, even when you should."_

_ Lisbon felt the compliment and it did much to soothe her, but she was still troubled by how honest Jane was suddenly being. "You don't think we should do anything."_

_ "It would be the best thing for you if we didn't."_

_ "Do you really think we can do that? Do you really believe that we will be able to go back to the way we were before and forget about what we are feeling?"_

_ Jane was quiet for a long while as he simply stared ahead. Then he broke the silence with one word._

_ "No."_

_ Lisbon released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. No, he didn't think it was possible either. But he was right; it was a bad idea, horrible really. He would hurt her, he always had._

_ But she didn't seem to care._

_ "Wh—what are we going to do?" she stammered out._

_ He didn't say anything, but remained still for several seconds. Then just when she thought he wasn't going to do anything at all he did the unexpected._

_ Jane leaned over and kissed her._

_ This wasn't the gentle probing that she had experienced in her office. This was the kiss of a man who had a mission, of someone who wanted to feel true passion with someone. He molded his body on top of her while he kissed her thoroughly and she gave back with equal fervor._

_ Even before he pulled her up to lead her up the stairs Lisbon knew for sure that nothing was going to stop them this time…_

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Later she had her head resting on his chest, her palm laying flat over his heart, feeling the fast rhythm as they both breathed heavily, their skin still slick with sweat. It had been everything she had thought it would be and more but now as they lay together in the darkness some rational thinking was creeping back into her mind._

_ Jane wasn't saying anything either, but he had his arms around her, his thumb rubbing gentle circles on the bare skin above her elbow. He wasn't making any move to leave…but she knew that he was experiencing similar feelings as well._

_ "This was a mistake, wasn't it?" she finally said, hoping he would lie._

_ "Yes, it was," Jane told her honestly._

_ She turned on her stomach so she could look up at him, but she was still reclining on his chest. "Do you really believe that?"_

_ Jane let out a breath and reached up to gently tuck away a lock of her hair. "It was a mistake," he repeated, "but it is a mistake that we were going to make, a mistake we will make again in a few minutes, and again tomorrow, and many more times in the future."_

_ Now she couldn't help but smile, she really was happy at the idea of having a future with him. "Well if that's the case, maybe we shouldn't call it a mistake then?"_

_ But Jane didn't seem to find as much joy in that like she did. "We can call it whatever we want but it won't change what it is."_

_ Her smile fell and she found herself suddenly afraid that something was very wrong. "Then shouldn't we stop?"_

_ He shook his head. "I don't think we can." Jane reached over to tangle her fingers in her hair like any lover should. "This is dangerous for so many reasons, if I were a better man then I wouldn't do this…but I don't have a choice anymore."_

_ Her lips parted slightly in a silent gasp. Jane was afraid; there was no denying that. "What is it?"_

_ Jane's thumb glided over her lips like a soothing kiss. "I have a plan," he told her softly, "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."_

_ She pondered his cryptic words and then relaxed as she realized what he must have meant. "Jane, I'm not worried about my job, we can hide this."_

_ Jane smiled and shook his head, almost as if he was amused that she wasn't getting this. "The prim and perfect agent, willingly breaking rules and tearing down walls. I've been a terrible influence on you."_

_ She grinned back at him, now the tension was completely gone. "You say that proudly."_

_ "I am a little," he admitted before pulling her down so he could kiss her again._

_ They kissed for a long time, her fingers finding his curls once more while his hands wandered down her back. When the passion became intense he rolled her over onto her back so he was on top of her again. Like he'd said, they would be doing it again that night._

_ "This isn't a mistake," she whispered in between her sighs and moans._

_ Jane pulled back just a little and looked into her eyes. "Yes it is."_

_ But he leaned down and captured her lips once more, blotting out all other thoughts except making love to him once more. In that moment she thought he was wrong, that he was just afraid._

_ But a part of her believed him._

* * *

__A/N: Well, there you go a few more answers but even more questions I'm sure. Any more ideas over what might have happened to get Lisbon to this state and what might have happened between Lisbon and Jane. What is she hiding from him? What is HE hiding from HER?

LOL Answers will come in due time.

Next chapter, more flashbacks as we get closer to the big destructive event while in the present the case continues and Lisbon tries to work with her old team who aren't exactly happy with her after everything that happened...

Please review!


	3. Knowledge is a Tricky Thing

Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: So sorry for the long wait. I hit some writer's block with this chapter and took me forever to work past it but I finally did! Yay! This chapter answers a couple of questions, raises a few more as we get closer to at least partially learning the truth. Confused? Good LOL

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: I finally add in my own input into this story, yay! Next chapter is going to be HUGE and so, so awesome. I can't wait for everyone to see it. But first, you have to read this one. Enjoy.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Swiss Fan:** It's here, so sorry it took so long

**Enjoy:** Thank you so much, you are right. Lisbon is broken, completely broken. As for your question...you'll have to read to find out

**Anonymous:** Here's more but it will be a bit longer before you know her secret

**misfit 1-3: ** LOL I hope you did good on your exam. I'm glad you enjoy this fic, hopefully this chapter was worth the wait

**Anonymous:** LOL the master writer has spoken, here is your update

**Anonymous:** Thank you for the compliment. Oh you are close, so close to the truth but no cigar yet.

**me4eva:** Thank you for reading

**Kourion: **Oh I wish you were signed in so I could tell you the truth! Oh man you are close but not quite, I doubt even Jane could arrange something like that. The true solution is far simpler than that. You are right, Lisbon does hate herself far more than she hates Jane.

**Anonymous:** Part of the fun is guessing though hehehe. And you are missing a BIG part of the puzzle

**Anonymous:** Thanks for reading, I hope this chapter gives you a few more answers but even more questions

**KrrdmN:** I have a plan for this fic, you'll just have to trust me on it. Jane is different here, wiser and more at peace. This takes place after Red John so he doesn't have that goal to distract or distance him. He can devote his life to trying to save Lisbon now. In some ways, he's completely moved on.

**Anonymous:** Thanks!

* * *

Chapter 3: Knowledge is a Tricky Thing

The team was focused on the case but that didn't mean they didn't notice when Lisbon left the room. They might have gotten used to being without their former boss and friend these past few years but it was impossible for them to forget that she was there now. Grace was the one who took her exit the hardest, no doubt because she knew it had to have been from seeing her.

"Is she okay?" Grace asked softly and immediately regretted that question, "I mean, obviously she isn't but she…she ran away."

Jane nodded. "She's upset because she's seeing what she missed, no doubt the guilt was too much to bear and she had to bury it once more before facing all of us again."

Grace looked up at him sadly. "It's me isn't it?"

"Yes."

Rigsby didn't like the sound of that. "Come on, Jane—."

"I'm not saying it's Grace's fault or anything like that," Jane clarified, "but Lisbon saw that Grace is pregnant and her reaction is understandable. She's upset, plagued with guilt and pain."

"Is there something we can do?" Grace asked.

"Not yet," Jane told them, "just do what I say. Don't tell her anything or she might run again. Right now we keep her focused on the case, soon enough her own curiosity will push her to start looking for answers. Then we'll know that she's ready."

Cho was studying him with a serious expression. "Have you told _her_?"

Jane smiled. "I assume we aren't talking about Lisbon anymore." He didn't say anything but that was answer enough. Jane shook his head. "Not yet, I want to wait. I don't think she's ready for everything."

"That might make it worse."

"This is my decision," Jane told him, "I have to do what I think is best."

Grace shook her head. "This isn't right, keeping secrets is what made this whole thing a mess in the first place."

"It wasn't just keeping secrets," Jane reminded her, "it was Red John and his game."

"She blames you," Cho pointed out.

Jane nodded. "Understandably so."

"You need to tell her the truth."

"Not yet, she won't believe me."

No one could argue with that statement and they knew it. The scars from five years ago were so deep that there was no way Lisbon would be willing to listen to anything Jane had to say about it. It had taken a lot of pain for the rest of the team welcome Jane back into the fold, ironically now the roles were completely reversed. For once, the person they were angry with was Lisbon not Jane…of course they worried for her more.

The conversation ended though when the woman in question made her reappearance. She had a cold expression on her face as she made her way into the room but Jane saw the slight red tinge to her eyes, the dampness on her face. She tried to cover it up but she'd been crying and he knew why.

"I need to see your files on the Wilks case," she declared. For a second she sounded just like the leader she used to be.

Grace quietly handed her over one very thick file; Jane noted the brief flicker of shame on Lisbon's face as she met the red head's eyes. It was interesting, and hopeful. Lisbon took the file and flipped through the notes and pictures, lingering on the gruesome image of the bloody cross.

"What evidence is there?"

"Not much," Rigsby admitted, "he didn't leave DNA or fingerprints."

"What about the chess piece?"

"Common wooden set anyone can buy at any toy store."

Cho stood up and walked over to Lisbon. "We need to see your file too, if my team is going to work this case."

Lisbon flinched at the use of 'my team', Jane wasn't surprised. She had a hard time accepting in this situation that she wasn't the leader anymore. If she ever did get used to it. But she took it well, simply reaching into her bag to pull out her own casefile.

"I've got even less than you," She admitted, "It still doesn't make sense to kill Wilks in a ritualized killing but to make Claire's look like a suicide."

"I still think Claire could have been his first," Rigsby said.

"Then why hide it? Why do something so drastic for one but cover up the other?"

Cho case a glance at Jane. "What are you thinking?"

Jane was quiet as he pondered that question. He was thinking about a lot of things, not all of them had to do about the case either. "I'm wondering why he chose these people. Two people who knew each but killed in different ways with the same signature."

"Maybe Wilks knew too much," Grace offered.

"He wasn't looking into the case," Lisbon replied, "He was just going on with his life as far as I can tell."

"You only just got here," Grace pointed out, "How could you know that for sure?"

"No, she's right," Jane said, "If Wilks had been following Claire's death closely we would have found notes, articles, a carefully detailed planned. There was nothing like that."

They were all quiet for a minute as they realized that he was right. There was some other connection to these two victims but they didn't have any idea of what it could be. He glanced up to see that Lisbon was studying him carefully. "What else are you thinking?"

That made him smile. Five years might have passed but she still knew when he was holding out on her. "It's Claire, her death is the key, it was the start of all of this."

"Okay, but her case was over a year ago, it's not like we can go back to the crime scene and collect evidence," Rigsby said.

"No," Lisbon agreed, "but we need to talk to the people who did. The lead officer on the case was Detective Knowles, we should talk to him about what he saw."

"She's right," Cho agreed, "Jane and I'll go talk to him, see how he missed that cross on the wall."

"I'm going with you," Lisbon declared, "since this is my case too."

Cho simply looked at her. "Fine, Rigsby and Van Pelt will keep looking, see if there's another connection between Claire and Wilks."

Lisbon was quick to gather her things so she could follow Cho and Jane out. Jane smiled at her as soon as they made it to the elevator. "Feels good doesn't it? Working a case again."

She just gave him a glare and remained silent, apparently she didn't quite feel the same way.

* * *

The car ride over to SACPD was more than a little tense. Cho was driving and Lisbon had opted for the passenger seat forcing Jane to go to the back. She refused to look at him and Cho wasn't looking at her. She was a little surprised that Cho was so upset with her but she supposed it was natural; she hadn't left in the best way. Actually that was quite an understatement but since he'd helped her out after she quit, she sort of expected a warmer welcome. Then again what happened after that was probably what he was dwelling on.

She wouldn't though. It was over and done with; if she thought about it then it would drive her crazy. Time to focus on something else.

"So what have you been up to for the past five years?" Jane asked from the back seat, breaking the silence with a silly question.

Lisbon stared straight ahead. "Nothing."

"Oh I doubt that."

She looked out the window; she had no desire to discuss her miserable life. But she couldn't deny her curiosity over what had happened with the rest of the members of her former team. "How long have Grace and Rigsby been married?"

"Two years," Jane replied, she could hear the smile in his voice.

Now Lisbon turned to look at Cho. "How did you guys get around the regulations?"

"How do you think?" Cho stated, not taking his eyes off the road.

Lisbon nodded her head and turned back. "Jane."

"He has a way of getting people to change their minds."

"I am right here," Jane reminded them from the back seat. "And I know what you are doing, Lisbon."

"And that is?"

"Changing the subject," Jane told her with a smile, leaning forward so he was closer to her. "Why don't you answer my question?"

She kept her eyes ahead. "Why do you care?"

"Why do you care about what happened to Rigsby and Grace?"

God she hated it when he did that, twisted her words around to make it sound like she had to answer. Damn him. "Nothing," she repeated, "I've been working." It was the truth, she hadn't done anything but work for the past four years.

"Hmmm nothing exciting happened in New York, interesting."

She bristled at that comment. "How the hell did you know I was in New York anyways? Did you see my driver's license?"

"From the interrogation room? Oh that would be interesting."

"Then how?" She asked again, finally turning around to look at him but that was a mistake. He was leaning close to her, much too close for comfort. Lisbon quickly turned back to face the front windshield. "Only my brothers knew where I was."

"Really?"

Lisbon whirled around again to face him, her eyes wide. "You've been talking to my brothers!"

"What gave you that idea?"

"Don't talk to them, Jane," she hissed, "Stay out of my life."

"Are they a part of your life?" He asked, "When was the last time you talked to them?"

Talk? That was a good question. The last time she spoke to them was a few days before she left California. The last time they had talked to her was through her apartment door six months after she moved to New York. They'd begged her to open, to talk to them, to go back…but she hadn't said a word. They had given up after three days and that was it.

Cho pulled the car into the parking lot and they all got out but Lisbon stopped Jane before he could take a step away from the car. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Working this case."

"What the hell are you doing with my brothers?"

Jane looked down at her with amused eyes. "At the moment? Nothing."

She narrowed her gaze at him. "Stay away from them."

"That's going to be a difficult promise for me to make."

"Why?"

Now he just smiled a knowing smile and she felt like slugging him. "I want you to stop this now."

"And why is that?"

"You ruined my life," she hissed, "I don't want you to ruin theirs."

Lisbon didn't give Jane a chance to respond but turned and marched after Cho to the SACPD office.

The three of them were directed to one of the bullpens where Detective Knowles was working. He was a little younger than her with an air of indifference. "You said on the phone this was about the Claire Hensworth case. What do you care about a suicide that was over a year ago?"

"It wasn't a suicide," Cho stated.

"What?"

"She was murdered."

Knowles raised an eyebrow. "The coroner said it was suicide."

"We say it was murder."

"And what do you have to prove that?"

"A cross drawn in her blood on her wall."

Knowles was clearly shocked by that statement. Then he shook his head. "No, I worked that scene there was no cross on the wall, especially not one with her blood."

"It was hidden behind a picture," Jane explained calmly.

Lisbon eyed him before stepping forward. "What made you think this was a suicide?"

"She was on the bed, her wrists were cut and there wasn't any sign of anyone else being in there. What else were we supposed to do?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, look around the room, see if there were any clues that it was a set up?"

"I did my job."

"Not well enough."

He really didn't like being told that. "Who are you to talk to me like this."

"The private investigator Claire's brother hired to fix your mistake."

Now he gave her a hard look. "You aren't even a cop, you have no idea."

"I was one," Lisbon stated, "and I did my job well."

"So did I."

Cho stepped in giving her a quick glare. "We need your files on the Hensworth case, all of them, including the autopsy report."

"Fine," Knowles stated, still glaring at Lisbon, "I'll take you to the evidence lock up and show you what we found."

He nodded but gave Lisbon a look. "Stay here."

And that was when Lisbon realized that this time she had to listen to Cho. To her surprise Jane stayed with her, eyeing her with an odd look on his face. "What?"

He shrugged. "It isn't easy…being back."

"It's fine."

"You don't have to take it out on Knowles."

"He didn't do his job."

"I know," Jane replied, "but the Lisbon I knew didn't burn bridges or let her personal feelings interfere with a case."

She glared at him. "That woman died, Jane. You should know, you helped kill her."

* * *

_It wasn't a surprise to Lisbon to find Jane waiting outside of Bertram's office. Lisbon did her best to give him her finest "go to hell" look but it always had the same result. He gave her his perfect smile, the one that even after two months of being together, always made her knees turn into water._

_ "You jackass," she hissed instead._

_ Jane chuckled. "I don't see why our dear director is so worried. It wasn't actually a threat."_

_ "Telling a wealthy man that within the year he will be locked in a box inside his family crypt _isn't_ a threat?"_

_ "No, it's just an observation," Jane insisted, "Not only do wealthy, lying, cheating, swindlers like him have a very high mortality rate, but his dietary habits are very poor. If some hapless relative doesn't shoot him then a heart attack will certainly do the job."_

_ Lisbon could buy that. Henry Westcomb was a whale of a man that took up a whole couch just by sitting on the arm of it. She could easily see him collapsing over his bowl of caviar._

_ "Yes well, he is threatening to sue the CBI if you don't apologize for what you said."_

_ "Hmm, let me think," Jane tapped his finger with his chin, "No, I find I'm not sorry since I didn't do anything wrong."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes. It wasn't a surprising answer in the least. Jane hardly ever apologized and he only meant it when it concerned her or the other members of her team. Some of the time._

_ "You're impossible," she mumbled under her breath, but he undoubtedly heard her._

_ "Oh you're right," he said with a grin, "But you're still willing to take the challenge."_

_ "This isn't about us," she said, "And if it were, I'd be telling you to expect a lonely bed for a while."_

_ That actually made Jane laugh. "Well, I'm up for the challenge."_

_ "You can't make me change my mind."_

_ "Sure I can. Actually the fact that you are telling me this says you want me to change your mind. You want me to seduce you."_

_ Lisbon shook her head at him but it took all of her willpower to keep a smile from lifting her face. He was such a bastard. Why oh why did that have to turn her on? "Guess again."_

_ "No guess work needed. I know your tells. You're perturbed with me, but that only fuels your desire even more."_

_ Lisbon hated him. He was right, but she still hated him. But she knew when to attack and when to surrender. With Jane, there was never any choice but surrender. Still, she could get something out of it. "You tell Westcomb that you meant no offense and I'll forgive you."_

_ "No."_

_ "Jane!"_

_ "Relax, Lisbon," he said with a shrug, "Why do you have your panties in a twist over this?"_

_ "He threatened to sue the CBI," then she grinned as she whispered, "Who says I'm wearing panties anyways?"_

_ Jane's eyes lit up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. "Oh don't say that," he said with a broad smile, "That's just cruel."_

_ "No less than you deserve."_

_ "Promise to punish me properly?"_

_ She wasn't going to answer that, at least not directly. She turned her face away from him and squared out her shoulders. "I'm going back to my office."_

_ "What an excellent idea, I'll join you."_

_ "Jane," Lisbon hissed his name in a harsh whisper, "You agreed, we don't do anything at work."_

_ "_You_ set that rule, Lisbon, and rather foolishly done. You know how much I love breaking rules."_

_ She had known that, but that didn't change the fact that she'd set that rule for a reason. The only problem was that she was having trouble remembering just what that reason was._

_ They were just outside her office when she felt Jane discreetly cup her ass with his palm. "My, my, Agent Lisbon, you actually _aren't_ wearing panties."_

_ "Shut up," she hissed. She had to get into her office before somebody caught them. Being with Jane was definitely courting trouble and she didn't want more on her plate._

_ There was no way she could stop him from joining her, not with the way he crowded behind her. She had no choice but to accept her fate. There were worse things in life and very few that were better._

_ She opened the door to her office, more than ready to pounce once they were both inside, but that changed when she heard someone say. "Jeez, took you long enough, Reese."_

_ Lisbon froze just inside of her office. She blinked in surprise at who was now sitting in her chair, swiveling it around with his arms behind his head. "Will?"_

_ "Glad to see you still remember me."_

_ Lisbon smiled at him as she shook her head. "You could have called."_

_ "Where's the fun in that?"_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes and then pointed at Jane. "Will, this is Jane. Jane, this is my little brother, William."_

_ "Yes, I can see the resemblance."_

_ Will stood up from Lisbon's chair and walked forward to shake his hand. "It's nice to meet you, Jane. Reese talks about you a lot."_

_ "I would say none of it's true, but I'm sure you wouldn't believe me," Jane teased. "And Lisbon has talked about you as well."_

_ "Only half of that is true."_

_ Jane laughed at his words and then patted Lisbon on the shoulder. "I'll see you later, Lisbon." He whispered into her ear before he turned away. "And I mean that."_

_ She hoped Will didn't see her shiver._

_ "So what are you doing here?" she asked once they were alone._

_ "Can't a brother drop in to see his long lost sister?"_

_ "I'm not lost and you saw me at Christmas."_

_ "That was five months ago," he pointed out._

_ "Still, it's hardly been an improbably amount of time. Besides, none of you ever drop in just to hang. What's going on?"_

_ "I've got some business here," Will said. He sat down on one side of the white couch while she took the other._

_ "Work or personal?"_

_ "Personal."_

_ "Really?" she asked, "What's going on? Is something wrong?"_

_ "Cool it, Reese, don't go Big Sister on me," he said, using his hand to gesture for her to relax, "It's nothing like that. I came here because there is a motorcycle I was thinking about buying and I want to check it out first."_

_ Lisbon released her tension. Tommy had always been the troublemaker. Will could be just as wild and full of pranks, but he'd never got into any serious trouble. "That's it? You couldn't have checked it out on the internet?"_

_ "Well, there's more." He smiled at her. "You remember my girlfriend, Allison?"_

_ "Yeah, I met her at Christmas."_

_ "Her parents live in San Diego and I thought I would see them in a few days."_

_ "That's nice, but why tell me?"_

_ A broad smile crossed his face. "I'm going to ask for their permission to marry Allison."_

_ Lisbon's mouth fell open. "Oh my God," she said slowly, then the fire of joy hit, "Oh my God! Will!" She immediately wrapped him up in a hug. "That's fantastic! I'm so happy for you."_

_ "Thanks, Reese. I'm ready for this, I know I am."_

_ "Took you long enough."_

_ He narrowed his eyes at her. "Excuse me, but I don't see you settling down."_

_ "I can still kick your ass."_

_ He just laughed and shook his head. "So, you mind if I stay with you for a couple of days?"_

_ Well that would ruin any plans with Jane, but Lisbon didn't care. She was so happy for her little brother. She could see that Will was telling the truth: he was finally ready for that big step._

_ "Of course," she said, "It will be great."_

_ As she hugged him again, Lisbon felt a twinge of envy. Her younger brother had finally found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Someone he loved completely and who loved him back. Lisbon had always pretended like she didn't need that, but she knew she wanted that. Would she ever get it?_

_ Maybe. There was some hope now, even if there was still doubt._

* * *

Lisbon stared at the office that had once been hers; she couldn't help but remember that conversation with her brother. He'd found real happiness and for the first time she'd wondered if maybe she had too. What a stupid fool she had been. She should have known but she'd been blinded by Jane's intoxicating smile.

That was something she would never forgive herself for. She'd let her personal feelings cloud her judgment and that led to the worst mistake of her life. Now her sins were far too great to be overcome, no way would Saint Peter let her through those pearly gates now. Perhaps that was what Red John wanted, for her to burn in hell with Jane by her side.

So that even in death she would never escape him.

With that depressing thought Lisbon left he hallway outside of what was now Cho's office and headed for the bullpen so maybe she could let work stop her from thinking about every horrible thing she did five years ago. But she stopped when she heard Grace and Jane talking…about her.

"I want to help her," Grace said softly.

"You are doing what you can," Jane replied, "You know why it has to be this way."

"With secrets? I'm sick of secrets."

"I don't want her to run away again."

"None of us do, but why would telling her the truth make her afraid?"

"Do you really need me to answer that?"

There was a very long pause and she heard Grace sigh. "No, you're right. She already ran once, what's to stop her right now from doing it again?"

Jane didn't say anything but she'd bet her soul that he was nodding his head. "And now it's twelve and I have somewhere to be," Jane declared. He sounded really happy to say that.

"Tell her hello from all of us," Grace said and Lisbon could hear her smile.

Her? Who was she?

Lisbon was about to find out because there was no way Jane could leave without getting past her. She watched as he stopped when he saw her, he knew she must have been listening but if he was upset than he didn't show it. He was calm in fact.

"Where are you going?" She asked him as soon as he was abreast of her.

"Lunch," Jane replied smoothly.

But she didn't move, didn't smile. "On a date?"

There was a slight lift of the eyebrows and tilt of the head. "And if I am?"

That statement made her heart lurch. Jane didn't date, he never had. They hadn't even dated during their brief relationship; he'd never taken her out to a romantic dinner with candlelight and wine. Nope, they had stuck to the physical nature of the night.

"You have a girlfriend?"

"That's not a crime," Jane reminded her. "Or is it upsetting you? It shouldn't, you haven't been here for five years."

Lisbon was barely listening to him at the moment. The idea that Jane and girlfriend were in the same sentence just didn't make sense. No, he wasn't allowed to move on. Not now, not after everything he did. Why now?

"Does she know about me?" Lisbon asked coldly, "About what you did?"

A shadow fell over his face and he sighed. "Lisbon…"

Now she smiled bitterly. "That's a no. What a surprise. I'd love to meet your _date_ to tell her to run as fast as she can."

Jane smiled now. "I'd be happy to arrange that."

She had no idea if he was kidding or not…for some reason she was leaning towards not. But Jane didn't give her time to ask him. He just gave her another sly smile before walked past her to have lunch with whatever woman had managed to capture his heart…or rather interest. She wasn't certain Jane even had a heart.

But it stung that he was doing so much for this woman…something he hadn't done for her.

Lisbon wondered why. Was it because Red John had still been alive and now that he wasn't, Jane could finally move on?

Or maybe she was right…she hadn't meant much to Jane at all.

For a second all she did was watch him leave with a mixture of anger and sadness. She didn't know why she was sad though; the last thing she wanted was to be with Jane. He'd taken everything from her the last time she was in his bed; she didn't have anything left to give him now.

It took a moment for her to shake herself from those thoughts. She didn't want to go back down the road that would only lead to her losing what little sanity she had left. Lisbon made her way to the bullpen and stopped when she saw Grace.

Grace was bent over her desk, looking over reports; probably waiting for her husband to come back with whatever lunch she was craving that day. That was still strange for Lisbon to compute, Grace and Rigsby were married. Oh she could believe that, she'd had her suspicions that their short lived romance would rear it's head again eventually…she just couldn't believe that it had all happened and she'd missed it.

That was something she had to face. When she left the lives of her friends hadn't just frozen in time. No they had moved on, gotten married…were having kids. It was her life that had remained static, filled with nightmares, alcohol and blood.

And secrets.

Jane was keeping something for her, or at least he had been. Maybe he'd wanted to keep her from the pain of knowing he'd moved on too. Maybe he had a care that he didn't want her to know just how little she really had meant to him. He couldn't move on with her…but he was with this woman.

Well she had her own secrets.

Secrets that Grace had helped her keep.

_"Promise me that you will not tell him…even if something happens."_

_ "Lisbon…"_

_ "Promise me!"_

_ Grace stood there with the duffel bag over her shoulder, her phone and car keys in one hand and a look of utter sadness on her face. She didn't want to do this and Lisbon knew it was a lot to ask of the woman who had taken it upon herself to care for her even when she never asked her to._

_ She had no idea how grateful she really was to her._

_ But she had to ask her for this._

_ "Promise me," she repeated again._

_ Grace blinked up at her with her large sad brown eyes and then very reluctantly nodded her head. "I promise," she whispered._

She'd walked away from those secrets. Jane had come back but he didn't know, couldn't know. It was far too late for him to know now. That was fine, he didn't know and now…now she didn't either.

Lisbon remembered walking away from Grace, sobbing the whole way to the airport. That was the last time she'd seen her…and that was exactly how it should be.

But now she felt a burning desire to know.

"Grace," Lisbon began softly. The red head looked up with sad eyes, she waited calmly for Lisbon to continue but all Lisbon could do was stand there and gape.

_You don't have the right to know._

_ But I want to._

_ So what, you walked away. That was the right thing to do._

_ Then why do I feel so guilty?_

"When I saw you last…" she struggled to continue. "What did…where is…?"

Then she stopped.

No it would be worse to know. Worse to believe that there was no hope whatsoever. Besides if she knew then she would want to be involved and that was the worst thing for everyone.

"No," Lisbon said, "never mind." She turned around to walk away.

"Wait!" Grace exclaimed rising to her feet. "You want to know."

"No," she told her quickly "I don't." She moved to go around her to the break room but Grace remained where she was.

"I'll tell you," Grace told her, "I'll tell you if you ask me."

"I don't want to know, Grace. I don't _deserve_ to know."

Lisbon saw the look of pain overtake her old friend but she didn't stick around long enough to feel guilty. She finally moved around her and headed for the break room where there was coffee and silence.

This was a mistake. Everywhere she looked she was reminded of her sins.

* * *

_Lisbon was finishing up a little paperwork while watching the ending of the movie she and Will had put on before he'd called it a night. It was a little strange having her brother stay with her for a few days but nothing that she couldn't handle. This was why she had a guest room after all._

_ A knock at the door interrupted her evening. Puzzled, Lisbon stood up to answer it only to find Jane's sexy smile on the other side._

_ "What are you doing here?" she whispered harshly._

_ "Finishing what we started this afternoon," Jane replied before pulling her up against him to kiss her senselessly._

_ Oh God she loved his kiss, it was sweeter than sin and so addictive. She could never get tired of it and that was what frightened her, what would happen if it all went away. But those thoughts were pointless, especially when their future stretched in front of them like an endless road of possibilities._

_ But that didn't mean she was going to sleep with him tonight._

_ Lisbon broke the kiss but didn't pull back. "We can't do that, Jane."_

_ "Why not?" He asked, his lips finding her throat, leaving soft warm kisses all way to her ear. She felt herself melting when he nipped at the lobe._

_ "My brother is here," she reminded him._

_ "Eh, he can stay in the guest room. I don't like sharing."_

_ Lisbon smacked him hard on the shoulder. "That's disgusting, Jane! I'm definitely not having sex with you now."_

_ But Jane just gave her that same sexy grin. "I'm sure I can convince you."_

_ There was no doubt in her mind that he would._

_ It took about three minutes of his passionate 'arguments' before Lisbon and him were pawing each other all the way to her bedroom. "Shhhh," she warned him as they made their way past the guest room._

_ Somehow they stumbled into her room where Jane was quick to start undressing her. "You can't be here in the morning," she told him as her fingers found the buttons of his vest and shirt. "And you'll have to be quiet."_

_ He gave her a wicked look. "Won't that be more a of a problem for you, my dear?" The next thing she knew she was on her back on the bed with Jane crawling on top of her. "You do love it when I make you scream."_

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ Lisbon woke up in the morning naked and entirely satisfied. Jane was gone which wasn't surprising since she had no desire for her brother to know she was sleeping with her consultant yet. But she was smiling at the memories of a passionate night, falling asleep in Jane's arms was the best way to end a day she decided. _

_ She quickly put on her clothes and made her way downstairs. Will was in her kitchen with the carton of orange juice out and some remains from his breakfast. "Hey, Reese. Sleep well?"_

_ "Yeah," Lisbon said pouring herself a glass of orange juice. "You?"_

_ "Perfectly fine."_

_ "Good, I knew you were tired when you were falling asleep during the movie."_

_ "Did it end well?"_

_ Shit, she hadn't finished watching it. "Uh, I went to bed before it ended too." Lisbon bushed a little as she took a sip of orange juice._

_ Will was smiling at her now. "So who was the guy that was here last night?"_

_ She choked on the juice, putting the glass down as she tried to breathe through the coughing fit. It took her a moment to gather her composure and she quickly decided to lie. "There was no guy here."_

_ But Will wasn't buying that poor cover up either. "You're sleeping with Jane."_

_ There was no hiding the blush that crept over her cheeks. Lisbon took another sip of orange juice to calm herself down. "How did you know it was him?"_

_ He shrugged. "You guys seemed pretty tight when I saw you at the office and I knew I heard a guy here last night."_

_ "Oh God, tell me you didn't…"_

_ "Oh I put my headphones on. No way did I want to hear some guy doing my sister."_

_ Lisbon groaned and dropped her head onto the counter, completely embarrassed that she and her brother were even having this conversation. It took a minute for her to get over the shame but she finally did meet Will's eyes last night. "It won't happen again," she promised him. She meant it. If Jane wanted to have sex again when Will was here it would have to be somewhere else._

_ But Will was looking at her seriously. "What?" she asked, not sure if she liked that look._

_ "What are you doing?"_

_ She sighed. "Don't do this, Will. I'm an adult, I don't need to be lectured about where this is going."_

_ "That's not what I'm talking about," Will explained._

_ "Then what is it?"_

_ He leaned closer to her. "You've told me a lot about this guy over the years, I'm certain that you're holding back even more. From what I do know he's gotten you into trouble a lot."_

_ "And gets us out," Lisbon replied, "I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to work with him. It's always been for a good reason."_

_ "But now you are sleeping with him."_

_ "What's your point?"_

_ He shrugged. "How do you really feel about him?" Lisbon didn't say anything, instead finding her half full glass of juice fascinating. "Yeah that's what I thought."_

_ "And that is?"_

_ "That you're falling for him."_

_ Lisbon couldn't disagree with him. She'd actually known for quite a while that this little thing wasn't just sex for her. She'd been falling for Jane even before that…she just hoped he didn't know that._

_ "I'm okay, Will," Lisbon said, trying to end this conversation._

_ "I just want to make sure you know what you are doing."_

_ She smiled sweetly at him. "I do. For once…I really think I'm doing something right…for _me_."_

_ Lisbon kissed his cheek before patting his shoulder. "I have to go get ready for work and you have future in-laws you need to meet."_

_ She headed up the stairs with a little spring in her step. She really meant it. She did know what she was doing here._

_ At least she thought she did._

* * *

Jane returned from his lunch date in a jovial mood and all Lisbon wanted to do was smack that smile off of his face. He had no right to be so damn happy when she was miserable. She just did what she could to stay far away from him; this case could not end quickly enough. Then she could return to New York and back to her wretched existence.

Lisbon ignored Jane as the rest of the team continued to look over files. She was busy looking through Claire's autopsy report, not finding anything that was useful. If not for the unfinished nails, Lisbon would have thought it was a suicide too.

"She must have known him," Jane pointed out. Lisbon jumped, realizing he was right behind her, looking over her shoulder. "No signs of struggle or breaking in."

"No drugs either," Lisbon reminded him, "So why did she let him cut her wrists."

"Oh a simple trance could have done that." Jane explained.

"Hypnosis isn't the answer to everything."

"I could put you into a light sleeping trance right now," Jane told her, "and I could do whatever I wanted without you being the wiser."

"Don't." She replied glaring at him. She meant it; her days playing with Jane were long since over. "None of this helps explain who he is."

"I might have something," Grace said entering the bullpen with a grave look on her face.

"What did you find?" Cho asked, getting up from his seat by Rigsby's desk.

"I was looking into Claire Hensworthe's past," Grace explained, she handed Cho the file. "She and her brother were put into foster homes when their parents were killed."

"So?" Cho said, flipping through the reports.

"They were staying at the home of George and Janine Pearce," Grace told him, "At the same time Todd Johnson was there."

Now there was a collective moment of silence as that bit of information sank in. They all exchanged looks as the recalled the history of Todd Johnson. No one could forget the man who burned in CBI lockup…or his connections to another serial killer.

"It could be a coincidence," Rigsby pointed out.

Jane shook his head. "It's not."

Lisbon met Jane's eyes, this time not feel anything but determination for this case. "You're thinking he's one of his followers."

"Undoubtedly," Jane said, "he had many. Apparently one of them has decided to spread his wings now that the leader has met his fate."

"He started with killing someone he knew."

Jane nodded. "Someone with ties to New York."

"Why?" Lisbon asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You don't see it?" Jane replied, now giving her a small smile. "He killed Claire in a way that would be easily dismissed except for her brother who would turn to other sources to get to the truth. Then he killed Wilks to form a connection."

Now the truth dawned on Lisbon. "He wanted me here."

Jane nodded. "He wants to start the game again."

* * *

_Jane was waiting for her in the bullpen when she walked past him. "Good morning, Lisbon. I trust you slept well."_

_ She blushed and glared at him. "Be quiet, Jane."_

_ "I'm just making small talk." But his eyes sparkled with something else._

_ Lisbon groaned and opened the door to her office. "My brother knew you were there last night."_

_ Jane just shrugged. "I'm not surprised, you were pretty loud."_

_ "Oh God, don't say that at the office," she hissed, shutting the door quickly. When she turned around he was still smiling at her, a smile that was both sweet and sexy at the same time. She loved that smile, she had a feeling it meant that Jane was almost as happy with this as she was._

_ "Just relax," Jane told her, "your brother doesn't care what we are doing."_

_ "It's still embarrassing," she admitted as she made her way to the desk to check out what the guys in the mailroom had delivered today. A bunch of files, memos and a sealed white envelope. "And God knows tonight I'll be teased mercilessly."_

_ "Isn't that what brothers are for? I'm assuming since I don't have any."_

_ Lisbon rolled her eyes as she ripped open the envelope. "Something like that." She flipped open the piece of paper that was tucked inside and blinked at it before finally the image sank in. "Jane," she said quickly._

_ "What is it?" He asked, noting the very serious and slightly frightened look on her face. It only took him a moment to know why._

_ On that white paper was drawn a red smiley face in blood._

_ Lisbon met his eyes. "He knows."_

_ Jane nodded. "Yes he does."_

_ "Do you think he's coming after me?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ Lisbon eyed him carefully. "I thought you'd be freaking out."_

_ "Well I'm not the one he's targeting," Jane pointed out._

_ "No, it's me."_

_ "That just means this time there's no room for error," Jane explained. "This time…he's the one who's going to die."_

_ She knew he meant it._

* * *

__A/N: Oh boy, a follower from Red John is out on the hunt and he wanted the team reunited! This will be interesting and not everything is as it seems. And before anyone thinks otherwise, Red John IS DEAD. DEAD, he is NOT alive or coming back, he is DEAD. I promise you that.

But now you can see that more secrets are being kept...what are they?

In the next chapter the team continues the search for Red John while Lisbon struggles to cope with the idea that Jane is seeing someone else, she goes to a bar where she spirals out of control. We will also reveal what Red John did to destroy Lisbon and why she hates Jane...and the start of her own secret.


	4. Fallen Angel

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: I so apologize for the nearly 2 month long break. I had the WORST writers block for this chapter. I almost threw in the towel, then two nights ago I was going to bed and suddenly it clicked and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I hope that I never get a case that bad again! But here it is and it is SUPER long so I hope that makes up for it

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: I'm surprised it took us this long to get this chapter out since it's such a good one, but you never know when the evil Writer's Block will strike and boy can it be vicious when it does. I hope you all like it.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** You'll know what RJ did and a taste of what else happened, just read on

**Ann Onymous:** You'll find out what RJ did to Lisbon in this chapter and see if you were right about some things, but there are more secrets hehehe

**Sage:** So sorry about the late update but you'll get a little more light on some dark things this chapter

**Kourion:** Yes poor Lisbon and it is going to get worse. Jane isn't letting her linger, her is doing everything he can to get her out of this but he knows that there is only one way to do it...

**Anonymous:** I hope you are wrong about that, but you might be surprised about what Jane did. You'll see what I mean

**Anonymous:** Just wait, you are in for a real treat

* * *

Chapter 4: Fallen Angel

"Why now?"

Jane's question was a little surprising considering all the latest development, there seemed to be more pertinent questions to ask. "That's all you're going to ask?" Cho stated.

"It seems to be the most important question."

"Not who he is or why he's doing it?"

"We know he's a follower of Red John and he's doing it because this was what he was reared to do," Jane replied, "but why wait four years to do it?"

Lisbon was studying the photographs of the scene in front of her. "He needed time for things to die down."

"Five years?" Jane asked, "Why not last year or the year before that. Red John has become a footnote in textbooks now."

Lisbon gave him an exasperated look. "Then what do _you_ think?"

He simply shrugged. "We know he wanted you here."

She couldn't help but nod then. "Why?"

Rigsby eyed both of them. "You were the ones that got Red John."

She stiffened at that reminder and gave Jane a quick glare. "Jane was the one who killed him, not me."

"You helped."

"I was bait," Lisbon stated firmly, "and I didn't have any choice in the matter."

"You could have said 'no'." Jane pointed out, clearly not buying her argument.

"It was much too late by then," Lisbon reminded him, "Red John was targeting me…because I was sleeping with _you_."

It was an awkward moment as Lisbon glared at Jane, Jane just stared right back and the rest of the team exchanged nervous glances. "Do we really have to talk about that?" Rigsby asked, it was like listening to your parents talk about sex.

Jane shook his head. "Regardless of the how's and the why's the only thing that is truly important is that you and I are the ones he considers responsible."

"So he's targeting both of us?"

"Yes."

Lisbon was quiet as she considered that idea. "Is he planning to kill us?"

"I can't be sure," Jane admitted, pulling out an evidence bag that contained one black pawn chess piece. He looked at the toy, running the pad of his thumb over the round top. "He's playing a game."

"What?"

"The chess pieces," Jane pointed out, "he left a pawn at each scene. Clearly he sees both of them as nothing more than pawns, pawns that were used to bring this team back together. The question is what is the result? Does he want to get revenge or does he simply want to play a new game?"

She stared at him, wondering if he even was aware that he was talking aloud right now. "Then what are we supposed to do?"

Jane shrugged. "Play along until we get the upper hand."

"How are we supposed to do that?"

"Claire is the key, we need to keep looking into her background, she was the murder that started this," Jane pointed out, "So we need to keep digging there. If Todd Johnson knew her, it stands to reason that this other follower did as well."

Well she could buy that, especially with all of the evidence pointing that way. "So…we aren't done with Red John yet."

"Red John is dead."

"But his legacy lives on," Lisbon commented bitterly. She glanced away and saw that the rest of the team was watching them. "What?"

Cho just gave the both a look. "You going to tell us your plan this time."

Lisbon groaned but Jane smiled. "Would we be sitting here discussing this in front of you if we weren't?"

"We don't have a plan this time anyways," Lisbon replied, glaring at Jane. "We aren't in this _together_."

"That might not be the best course of action," Jane told her calmly, "he wanted us both here for a reason."

"Yes, probably to torment me."

He looked amused by that comment. "Perhaps…or there might be other forces at work."

She gaped at him for a few seconds and then rolled her eyes. "No, Jane. This partnership is temporary; we're never going back to that. Not again."

"Never is a very strong word…and almost impossible to keep."

* * *

_ It was one of those plans that seemed doomed to fail._

_ For two days she and Jane kept to themselves, working out the plan in secret and following whatever new information Red John let them have. Jane was right, Red John knew that this was the final chapter in their game and he intended for it to be as exciting as ever. There was one part of their plan that they didn't agree on which was honestly the most important part._

_ It was the part that found Lisbon alone at an abandoned warehouse._

_ It was the part that meant she walked into Red John's trap._

_ And it was the part that led to her standing still when the monster himself had a gun pointed straight at her._

_ Lisbon thought about fear but didn't really feel it, instead all she did was stare at the specter in front of her, instinctively reaching for her gun and knowing it was useless. They were at an impasse._

_ "My dear Agent Lisbon," Red John said eloquently, he sounded like an American Sherlock Holmes for a moment. "It is a shame it has come to this."_

_ "To what?"_

_ "You know exactly what is going to happen," he told her gently, "perhaps it was foolish to keep your team in the dark…and to do exactly what Patrick told you not to."_

_ It was true. Jane had insisted that she remain with him or one of the other team members at all times but she'd come here by herself. Just like Red John had wanted. She'd played right into his hand._

_ "All of this because we got together." Lisbon pointed out, if he saw how pathetic this was then he didn't care._

_ "You knew the consequences of your actions, I cannot stand for divided attentions…and this was far too tempting. Patrick knows this too."_

_ "And you just can't help yourself," Lisbon finished for him._

_ "Like I said, it is far too tempting," Red John agreed, "But it is not without some regret. I will miss watching the two of you…and it is a shame you haven't yet seen what I have in store for you."_

_ That made her pause a little at that comment, she didn't know exactly what that meant. Did he want to torture her? Cut her up? Or was there something else at work? It didn't really matter; he was planning to kill her either way._

_ She saw his fingers tense; it was in slow motion as his muscles contracted just as he was going to squeeze the trigger. The gunshot made her jump but she didn't feel any pain._

_ Because Red John hadn't pulled the trigger._

_ Lisbon's heart pounded in her chest but she didn't smile. Instead she instinctively rushed over to where Red John was slumping to the floor, she kept her own weapon trained on him and kicked the gun away._

_ Now Jane stepped out of the shadows, dropping his gun on the floor like it was a snake. Lisbon finally met his eyes but neither one of them smiled or looked relieved. Perhaps it just hadn't sunk in yet._

_ But it was over. Their plan had worked._

_ She kept her gun trained on Red John but stepped closer to Jane, she wanted him to feel whatever comfort she could give as they both watched the monster slowly die. His breath rattled, he was choking on his blood._

_ "It's over," Lisbon whispered to Jane who simply nodded numbly._

_ But to both of their surprises…Red John started laughing._

_ "You failed," Red John said, coughing a little even as he still laughed. "You never learned your lesson, Patrick. Always protect the ones you love most…but there is more than one way to die. You should have protected her, your saint. Now watch…watch as she falls into nothing…no one will save you now."_

_ And Red John died laughing._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ After Red John was dead the chaos truly started. There were paramedics who pronounced him dead, crime scene techs processing the scene, the rest of the team showing up to not only find out what happened but to start running down Red John's true identity. Lisbon had no doubt they would find nightmarish stuff at his house._

_ But she didn't care._

_ They found themselves back at the CBI, it was late, almost four in the morning but exhaustion could come later. Jane was sitting on the couch, an island of isolation amidst the pandemonium. But the building was emptying out, everyone knew this could wait until a little bit later when normal people were awake and Bertram could sing the praises of the CBI for finally bringing down the infamous serial killer._

_ She'd never known what to expect from Jane when they finally did catch him. She'd thought about it quite a bit over the years. Sometimes she imagined he'd be a completely different man, one at peace, the person she desperately wanted to see. Other times she could picture him walking away and never seeing him again._

_ God she hoped that wouldn't happen._

_ Lisbon sat down next to Jane, studying his profile. He's calm but somber; he doesn't look at peace though, not at all like the man who just accomplished his life's work. Instead he had the same expression he does whenever something is bothering him and Lisbon has an idea of what it is._

_ "You're thinking about what Red John said," Lisbon states. Jane glances at her which is answer enough. "He was just messing with you one last time."_

_ Jane nodded. "Probably."_

_ He was still brooding and Lisbon was determined to fix that. This was a happy moment for both of them. "So…what now?"_

_ He looked over, a little surprised by the question. "What?"_

_ "What now? Ever since we met this has been your only goal…now you've finally done it," Lisbon told him with a small smile. "Red John is gone, the world is at peace."_

_ "The world is never at peace. People will always find a way to muck it up with wars, corruption and bad grammar."_

_ "Don't be an ass," she replied lightly smacking his arm. He smiled a little and Lisbon felt a thrill now that she knew it was working. "I'm happy for you."_

_ Jane turned to her, slightly surprised. "Really?"_

_ She nodded. "Yeah. Somewhere along the line I knew it would end this way, Red John wouldn't allow himself to be arrested and after everything that happened…I don't think I really wanted to let him live easily either."_

_ "Saint Teresa the corrupt."_

_ "I'm no saint," Lisbon reminded him._

_ He smiled. "No, I don't suppose a saint would allow herself to be seduced with her brother asleep down the hall."_

_ "Hush," she said quickly, glancing around to make sure the floor was as empty as she thought it was. But Jane was looking a little happier now and she was glad. "A lot happened today," Lisbon pointed out sweetly, "and I know it is a lot of process."_

_ Jane nodded. "I'm not sure what I'll do now."_

_ "You need to think," Lisbon finished for him, "I understand. Take a few days, process everything, figure out what you want." There was a knot of fear in her stomach as she rose to her feet, worried that maybe Jane really would walk out of her life for good._

_ Well, she would have to make sure he knew what he would be leaving if he did._

_ She stopped in her tracks and turned around. Jane was obviously surprised when she all but pinned him to the couch to give him a very passionate kiss but it didn't take long for him to reciprocate._

_ Lisbon lost herself in that moment for a few seconds, making sure Jane was good and dazed before she pulled back a little. She smiled at his glazed eyes and considered progressing this a little further but she didn't want to push her luck. "I'll see you soon," she whispered and Jane nodded._

_ Well she would take it._

_ She grinned as she walked out of the door suddenly sure that everything was finally turning around for them._

* * *

Lisbon was sitting at a small table outside in the café across the street. It had been five years since she had been here when she'd spent almost a decade coming to this very place at least three times a week. The owner had been shocked to see her again and actually wondered if she was working at the CBI again. That had been a little awkward when she'd told him no and taken a seat.

Niceties had been forgotten along with all of her other good feelings.

It was strange being back but not being the same. Even stranger to be working a case with Jane. She still wanted to kill him, that feeling never went away but it was now joined with the urge that something wasn't right. They had never been this out of sync before, even when Jane had been off keeping secrets and working his own cases, she'd always known that if something truly desperate had happened that he would be there for her and vice versa.

Now she knew that wasn't going to happen…ever.

This wasn't a Red John case but it felt like one, in some ways she felt like that same woman who used to sit in this spot and calmly sit an excellent cup of coffee while taking a short break from the hassle of her day. But that woman was gone, killed because of heartache and pain and blood on the walls. Now it was all familiar and different at the same time, she didn't know how to handle a case like this as Teresa Lisbon, Private Investigator and borderline alcoholic.

Well to start off she should do her job.

Lisbon pulled out her cell phone and the piece of paper with Peter Hensworth's number on it. It takes a second to place the call and then she waits for him to answer. "Hello, Mr. Hensworth? This is Teresa Lisbon."

"Yes, do you have anything else on my sister's case?"

She'd already informed him that he was right, his sister had been murdered. That had been an interesting call. He'd been relieved and sad at the same time, proud to know that he'd been right but in some ways it was worse knowing that his sister's death really was unresolved. She'd fix this though…somehow.

"We have evidence that suggestion your sister was killed by a serial killer," Lisbon explained.

"Jesus Christ!" Lisbon couldn't blame him for that expletive. He was quiet for a long time as he processed this information. "Are you certain?"

"Yes sir and we believe that your sister was targeted by someone from her past."

"What?"

She sighed. "You and your sister were put in the foster care system."

"You think another kid did this?"

"Do you remember a boy named Todd Johnson?"

Peter was quiet again and she knew he was running through the list in his mind of names and faces. "Yeah, we lived with him for a few months when we stayed at the Pearce's. He kept to himself mostly."

"Do you recall if he had any friends?"

"I'm not sure…why? Did he kill Claire?"

"No," Lisbon assured him, "Todd Johnson died several years ago but he was connected with another serial killer that was known to attract others."

"Shit."

She knew this was hard to believe, it seemed like something that came from a television show but she'd lived this time. She had the memories, nightmares and horror stories to prove it. "I'm very sorry," Lisbon told him, her voice was wooden though. It was hard for her to work up any sort of sympathy these days, she knows she should but her empathy died a very long time ago.

Peter sighed heavily. "So…you think the guy who killed Claire knew Todd?"

"It is a possibility."

"Well Todd kept to himself, I was focused on Claire so I didn't pay much attention to him but there was a kid in the neighborhood he hung out with but I don't remember his name."

It wasn't much of a lead and most likely would lead to nowhere but it was more than she'd had five minutes ago. "Thank you," Lisbon told him, "this is helpful."

"You will find who did this?"

"I'll do my best," Lisbon replied and a wave of nostalgia passed over her. How many times had she said those words? "I'm working with the best team in California," she told him honestly.

"That's good to hear."

They said a few more words and then hung up. Now it was Lisbon's turn to sigh and think heavily about what was happening. Peter was worried about finding his sister's killer and here she was feeling like a lost little girl in a hurricane.

A hurricane she'd created by bad decisions.

Lisbon shook her head sadly. When Jane came to her apartment that night after they kissed she should have just kicked him out, hell she never should have kissed him in the first place. That was her biggest mistake, falling in love with the con man who made a living out of using people.

She just never thought she would be one of them.

* * *

The day hadn't been very productive after the realization that the killer they were chasing was one of Red John's followers. There were too many leads, too many places to turn and far too few clues. It was hitting that same time of night where it was a respectable time to leave when there wasn't enough work to justify staying. Lisbon had always been the last one to leave, that is if Jane wasn't staying in the attic that night.

If there was one thing that Lisbon could count on in those days was that Jane would stay behind with her every night. A lot of times they would share a cup of tea or even duck out to share a late dinner together, simple like coworkers and friends do when they are burning the midnight oil.

Now Lisbon was shocked to see Jane putting on his jacket and gathering his things. Patrick Jane leaving the CBI at a reasonable hour.

Hell really was frozen over.

"You're leaving?" Lisbon said the words before she could stop them; she honestly couldn't believe this was happening.

Jane just smiled at her unashamedly. "That is generally what happens at the end of the work day."

"But you _never_ leave."

He shrugged. "Things change."

"Since when?"

"Hmmm," Jane murmured and gave her a sly look. "Perhaps if you'd been around, you'd know."

She couldn't believe he said that. "Excuse me?"

"You've been gone for five years, two of your friends are married. Did you think I escaped change as well?" Jane replied smoothly as if he wasn't criticizing her choices.

Lisbon glared at him. "You refused to change before I left and now you are all about change."

To his creit, Jane sighed a little as if he hated where this was going too. "Things are different now, Lisbon."

Out of the corner of her eye she could see the rest of the team trying to pretend they weren't listening to every word. She didn't really care though; she was feeling something bitter churning up inside of her. "It's the girlfriend isn't it?"

"Girlfriend?" Jane asked with a grin, as if he didn't know what she was talking about.

"Yes your girlfriend, the one you met for lunch."

"Oh, her." He smiled cheekily, "Well, that is for me to know only."

For some reason that made everything worse. Jane was protecting the woman in his life. When had he started being chivalrous? "So you are rushing home to see her? You changed your life for her?"

Jane gave her a serious look. "She is the most important person in my life, so yes."

Lisbon felt his words like a blow to the gut. "I suppose she's more important than your past."

"She is my past, present and future."

"And everyone else in your past?" Lisbon asked, feeling something close to jealousy. Jane never said these things to her, not even when she was in bed with him. "What about them? Are they just nothing to you?"

"No, the important ones mean everything to me. The ones who don't take the cowards way out of life."

For a second she just hear the word "coward" ringing in her ears. She'd never been called that, not once. She was the cop that kicked down doors, stared shotgun wielding loons in the face and chased down suspects in the blink of an eye.

She was never a coward.

Except she'd done a very cowardly thing almost five years earlier.

But Jane didn't know about that. He just knew that she was the woman who ran from her mistakes, who hid in New York and refused to see her family. Who disappeared only to show up because of a serial killer's whim.

Fine she was a coward. But what right did he have to call her that?

"Is there something you wanted to say?" Jane asked, he said this primly knowing full well he'd struck a nerve.

That did it. "Don't call me a coward," she growled out.

"I didn't call you a coward." He pointed out that technicality.

"I know what you meant."

"And what did I mean exactly?"

She leveled her gaze with him. "That because I left all of this behind that somehow I was running scared."

"You were running scared."

Now she was getting furious. "You don't know anything about me or my life"

There was a cold gleam in Jane's eyes as he focused on her face. "Oh I know more than you think. You spend your days working a meaningless job that is beneath you and your skills as you sit and stare at the clock waiting for a decent hour before you can leave and go to whatever cheap dive you prefer where you drink yourself into oblivion. The only difference is some nights you wake up with a stranger in your bed and you can't remember a damn thing. You prefer it that way because then you don't have to remember all of the stupid selfish things you've done."

There was nothing but silence for a very long time except for the blood rushing in her ears. All of his words hung between them like foul stench and the worst part was that she couldn't refute one of them.

But she didn't care.

The hard slap of her palm striking his cheek broke the silence. "You're a bastard," she hissed and turned on her heel to leave this building behind.

She needed a drink badly…actually she needed three.

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Jane watched her go; checking his jaw to make sure everything was in working order. He'd decided to try a bit of tough love to get her to put her act together but he was beginning to reconsider that decision. She'd reacted passionately which meant she knew something was wrong, but rather than push herself to stop her self destructive behavior he knew that he might have instead shoved her over the edge.

This could be very bad.

He turned to see that the rest of the team was staring at him with wide-eyed stares. They were just as shocked at his words as he'd been.

"Where did that come from?" Cho finally asked.

Jane shook his head. "It was the truth."

"No shit."

He was right. It was the truth but sometimes the truth was far too harsh. "Grace, I need your help tonight."

"Why?" The redhead asked looking concerned.

"Lisbon is about to do something very stupid," Jane told her, "and I have to be there to stop her."

* * *

Lisbon might have been in her old stomping grounds but her new routine remained. She needed alcohol like she needed to breathe, more than that, she needed to finally get past these roadblocks and prove once and for all that she wasn't still caught in Jane's web. That was why she went to a bar that was small enough to keep the tourists out but clean enough so she wouldn't have to wade through bikers to get what she wanted. The bartender wasn't quite as friendly as Jack but he didn't ask questions either, just poured her shots of tequila whenever she asked. That took care of part one of her plan.

Part two came just as easily. A passably handsome man who was slightly less inebriated then her asked if the seat next to her was taken. Then he offered to buy her a drink. A few more flirtatious comments and he made a pass and she accepted. Soon enough she felt his hand on her thigh and when she turned to meet his gaze she knew he would lean in for a kiss.

She accepted his kiss with as much enthusiasm as she was capable of nowadays. _'Feel something'_ she willed herself; she was desperate to finally push herself over the edge.

But the kiss wasn't doing anything.

She felt nothing. He wasn't a bad kisser, a little eager with his tongue but she should have been enjoying herself. She should have been feeling warm and excited, instead all she felt was the same hallow emptiness she'd felt for the past five years.

But she wasn't ready to give up. She needed to feel this; she needed to know that Jane hadn't destroyed everything for her. So when he began to cup her breast she let him, but being groped wasn't helping either. There wasn't any electricity or fire in her blood, no rush of adrenaline or excitement. It was all…rather boring and depressing really.

When his hand began to snake down south she knew that the experiment was officially over.

Lisbon pulled her lips away from his and shook her head. "No."

"Oh come on," he slurred our, his hand still on a course of it's own.

"Stop it," she told him, grabbed his hand and prying it away from her body.

He looked like a little boy who had his toy taken from him. What was his name anyways? It didn't matter. "What's your problem? We were having fun."

She sighed and decided to lie a little. "Yeah we were but…" She was cut off when he began to kiss her again, his hands coming back up to grope her breast. His drunken kisses extended down her cheek towards her throat when she turned her head as a half-hearted attempt to get away.

That was when she saw Jane.

No this wasn't her imagination or a specter haunting her…it was really the man, glowering at her.

The second she met his eyes he began to step towards her and for the first time in five years she felt something besides pain.

Fear…and shame.

What the hell was he doing here?

She pulled away completely, ignoring the other man's "Hey!" as she extracted herself from his unwelcome embrace. Lisbon felt her cheeks burning when Jane stepped up but she was determined to stay calm. She had nothing to be ashamed of here…then why did she feel so guilty?

"What are you doing here?" she asked him, glaring at him with as much anger as she could muster, which was quite a lot these days.

Jane didn't even glance at the man she had been making out with. She saw deep intensity in his gaze, he was angry at her, very angry. "Watching out for you," he told her evenly.

She narrowed her eyes "Are you following me now?"

The drunken idiot turned bleary eyes towards Jane. "Is he your husband?"

"God no," Lisbon said quickly.

He looked Jane over as if sizing him up. Lisbon knew that in this case, appearances were very much deceiving. "Why don't you leave her alone, pal?" Jane raised an eyebrow at the man's use of the word "pal" while Lisbon stifled a groan.

"I was just about to ask you the same thing," Jane replied smoothly.

The man stood up and swayed a little. "Do you have something you want to say to me?"

"Actually," Jane said simply, "yes." He gave him a once over and Lisbon knew that he was going to pull out one of his old tricks. "You think you can prove that you are tougher than you appear but the truth is you are nothing more than a drunk buffoon. You come here to indulge after a dreary day at your mundane job and you hope that chasing any other woman that is drunk enough and foolish enough to indulge you for the night is the ultimate fantasy. The truth is that you are ravaged with guilt because your wife left you after you had an affair in a moment of crisis and you think that coming here and continuing that same behavior that ruined your marriage in the first place proves you're above it all."

He locked eyes with the man. "But you don't want to do that. What you are going to do right now is get up and leave, find a dumpster to sleep it off in and in the morning you will wake up and take a good long look at your life and decide from there if you are really doing what you truly want."

Now the guy blinked up at Jane several times with a very confused look on his face. For a moment all he did was look at him, then he began to walk away on very unsteady legs. Lisbon had to wonder if he really would crawl into a dumpster like Jane suggested but it was of no importance to her. She really was glad that he was gone.

But she wasn't happy who she was with.

"You just ruined my night," she told him dryly as she turned back to the shot of tequila resting on the top of the bar in front of her.

"I hate to think of what a successful night for you would be," Jane muttered, he wasn't bothering to hide his disgust with her behavior.

"I'm sure you can imagine," she replied before throwing back the shot of tequila. She was long past the burning stage; instead she felt another rush of warmth spreading from her belly. It was the closest thing she felt to pleasure these days.

She set the glass down on to the top of the counter and locked eyes with the bartender. "Another."

But Jane reached over and covered the top of the glass. "You've had enough."

"That's not your decision," she told him, forcibly removing his hand from the glass. "Now, I'd like another drink."

The bartender was looking from her then him and back again. "I agree with your friend."

"He's not my friend." Lisbon said quickly, she was determined to stay there and keep drinking. But Jane had other ideas.

She let out a startled. "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" When she felt him tugging her off of the stool so she was standing on her feet again.

But Jane ignored her and instead met the bartender's gaze again. "I'll make sure she gets home safely." And to Lisbon's irritation, the bartender seemed to accept that statement.

"Get your hands off me!" She sneered at him and twisted away from his hold. "Or I will beat the crap out of you."

Jane actually gave a small huff of laughter. "With the amount of alcohol in your system, for once I think I could take you."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "You want to test that?"

But Jane simply shook his head and took a strong hold on her arm once more. "Just come on." He rushed them both out of the bar, half dragging her out into the parking lot. She was tripping a little because she wasn't very steady on her feet, she might have had one too many…maybe. But that didn't give Jane the right to kidnap her from a bar.

"You can let me go," she said through gritted teeth.

Jane did stop but he didn't release her arm. Instead her pulled her closer to him and his hands reached for her hips. For a second she actually thought he was going to try something fresh. "What are you doing?"

But he wasn't grabbing anything he shouldn't have; instead he was patting down her pockets. "Did you drive?"

Her mind was fuzzy but she did remember what her plans had been before Jane showed up. "No," she replied quickly, "the plan was to get drunk off my ass," then she gave him a pointed look, "among _other_ things."

Jane's reaction to her words was interesting. He stood up straighter and she did not imagine the glint of fierce anger in his eyes. He really didn't like it that she had been intent on sleeping with another man. Which was ridiculous knowing what she did about _his_ personal life.

But Jane was nothing if not good at keeping his emotions at bay. "Well you did accomplish half of your goals."

He pulled her along, a little harsher than was necessary. She saw that his car was parked only a little ways away; it was difficult to miss that old piece of crap that he loved so much. But she stopped in her tracks before he could open the door and she snatched her arm away. "Why did you follow me?"

"To keep you from doing something stupid."

"Isn't that my choice to make?" She glared at him accusingly, "you have no right to meddle in my life."

He raised his eyebrows and gave her an amused look. "That never stopped you from interfering with mine," he pointed out.

Her head snapped up at his words. "You were living in an attic with nothing but a toy helicopter."

"And you are out getting drunk every night letting strangers grope you," Jane said bitterly, "Somehow I prefer my method of despair."

Now it was Lisbon's turn to raise an eyebrow. "You really don't like it that I was with someone else do you?"

Jane shut his mouth and gave her a blank stare. "It's your life."

"Yes it is," Lisbon said and she stepped forward so she was even closer to him, his back to his car. It was the alcohol, she was sure of it, that and the fact that every time she was near Jane she was drawn to him. He was like a siren, calling her to her doom. She leaned forward so her body was pressed against his, her breasts just barely touching his chest, and she whispered in his ear. "Do you remember that this was once yours? Does a part of you still claim it?"

Jane didn't say anything but she felt his hands gently on her waist, not holding her, just barely ghosting on her skin as if he couldn't decide whether or not to place them here.

She closed her eyes. Somewhere deep inside, hidden beneath the shadows she could feel a tiny part of that thrill she so desperately wanted again. "Do you want it again?" she asked him, one hand pressing against his chest, over his beating heart. "Do you?" she asked, her hand slowly moved down over the planes of his torso, down his waist towards a very obvious goal.

Lisbon smiled cruelly when she felt the hardening bulge there. "Yes, you do."

She watched as Jane's eyes became very dark and he snatched her hand up in a firm grip. "Stop," he ordered her quickly.

"Why?" She asked, her voice filled with feigned ignorance.

"Because I don't want this."

Lisbon's face flushed and she was filled with anger…and shame once more. "Because of your girlfriend?"

Jane gave her an amused look when she said the word 'girlfriend'. "Because I know what you are doing."

"And what is that?"

He still held her wrist in a firm hold. Now he was the one leaning in close as his voice filled with hostility and accusations. "You're trying to gain the upper hand. You want to turn me on and then turn me down." His voice was low now with disgust. "That's pathetic, Lisbon…but then again, so are you now."

She narrowed her eyes at his statement and snatched her hand out of his grasp. "You have no right to say that!"

"Don't I?" Jane replied. "You quit your job, you abandoned your family and you spend your nights drinking yourself into oblivion, I knew you before and this was _not_ you."

"This is me," she shot back, "the me _you_ created." She glared at him. "Does your girlfriend know about _us_? About what you did to me?"

Jane paused for a moment as he considered his words. "What I did…is not important here."

"That's bullshit and you know it! If you hadn't slept with me then none of this would have happened! You sold me out for yourself you arrogant, selfish, bastard!"

But he took her insults in stride. Instead he simply studied her for a long time, stripping her down to her soul. "Do you really blame me for what Red John did?"

She slowly shook her head. "I blame myself, for being stupid enough to believe your lies."

Lisbon turned around and began to walk off towards the road in quick steps, even if she was still a little shaky. Sure her head was filled with cobwebs but she could see the street and she could still put one foot in front of the other.

"Where are you going?" Jane called out after her.

"Away!" She shouted back, not even looking at him, "away from you."

She wanted to get far away from him and the memories he was bringing forth. But it was much, much too late for that.

She could never escape him.

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_Five Years Ago_

_ Lisbon was exhausted with the events of the day but she knew that sleep would not be easy to come by. In fact, she would have preferred to simply be productive and stay at the CBI but she knew that Jane needed to be alone. He needed to finally sort out what all of this meant to him._

_ Red John was dead._

_ She wasn't a fool; she knew that Jane had probably never thought much beyond killing him. A part of her knew that he probably assumed he would die in the efforts himself. But Lisbon was glad she had succeeded in keeping Jane alive, even if some of those reasons were selfish._

_ He needed to think about what he wanted now, what he would do with his life free from a madman taunting him. Lisbon couldn't help but smile a little bit; she knew she'd given him something to really think about before she'd left. That kiss hadn't simply been a gesture of gratitude that he was safe; it had also been something to remind him that he did have other things waiting for him._

_ Her._

_ For the first time in so many years Lisbon actually allowed herself to believe that Jane would be able to do it. He had accepted her kiss, even holding her a bit before letting her go, and she hadn't been mistaken when she saw reluctance in his eyes as she walked away. He wanted to be with her, she was certain of that. After a bit of time and a few gentle nudges from her Lisbon knew he would see that it was okay to let go of his past now and accept the future._

_ She couldn't help but wonder what a relationship with Jane, minus his demons, would be like? She couldn't wait to find out!_

_ Lisbon felt her heart racing with real excitement; Jane wasn't the only one who was freed that night. She unlocked the door of her apartment with jittery hands and rushed inside. The place was dark; well it was almost four in the morning, that wasn't surprising._

_ "Will!" She called out for her temporary houseguest. She knew her brother was asleep but that didn't matter, he'd woken her up too many times in the past to count and this was too important for her to wait till a decent hour._

_ "Will!" She shouted again as she set her briefcase down and her keys on the table. "Will you aren't going to believe what happened!"_

_ There still wasn't an answer. Lisbon smiled; he must have been trying to ignore her. Well she wasn't going to take that one, not now. She bounded up the steps. "Get your ass out of bed! Something huge has happened! You won't believe it!"_

_ She rounded the corner heading down the small hallway to her guest room. "Will! Are you awake?"_

_ Lisbon made her way towards the door ready to shout his name one last time until she saw the note taped to his door. That was weird, Will wouldn't do that. She stopped before the door to read:_

Agent Lisbon,

You know better than anyone the consequences of crossing me which is why your behavior is so disappointing. I warned you many times that I do not like interferences in my game, you were always the honorable one but I cannot abide anyone who does not follow the rules.

Jane is to have no distractions, you both knew this. If you had stayed away then you would not need this lesson now. You should have known that the pleasures of the flesh are no reason to defy me.

_ Lisbon felt her heart stop beating in her chest while a wave of dizziness crashed around her._

_ Only one person would leave such a note._

_ But no, he was dead. This wasn't happening, not now, not to her. No, no it couldn't be. It was a trick, a ruse to scare her. A nightmare that she would wake up from soon._

_ The blood was roaring in her ears and her hand shook as she turned the doorknob slowly._

_ She knew she'd never felt fear like this before._

_ Then she opened the door._

_ And saw the red smiling face on the wall, weeping bloody tears._

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Lisbon wasn't seeing the dark road in front of her as she stumbled along in the direction of her hotel. She had many miles to go but she didn't care. The only thing swimming before her eyes was the white wall dripping with her brother's blood.

She didn't remember seeing his body, didn't remember calling for help. She knew she had, she knew that she'd screamed and cried and tried to push her brother's heart to beat once more, even when his body was already cool.

She didn't remember any of that.

All she did remember was the terrible face smiling back at her, mocking her for her sins.

Through the haze of memories she saw the red lights of the tail end of a car in front of her, she saw it park several yards away and then the driver stepped out. So, Jane was still trying to play the protector. Well to hell with him.

Lisbon continued walking ahead, as if she hadn't seen him. But Jane called out for her. "Get in the car, Lisbon."

She didn't say anything, just kept on walking past him. "Dammit, get in!"

"Fuck you," she told him, barely even glancing at him.

Jane wasn't fazed by her vulgar language. Instead she heard him quicken his pace, two arms wrapped around her and hauled her close. "No!" she told him, struggling in his hold, "No!"

Lisbon managed to turn herself around but his arms were still wrapped around her as he tried to drag her towards his car. "I hate you!" She shouted at him as she tried to hit him, her blows were weak though, she didn't know why she wasn't hitting him harder. "I hate you!" She shouted again.

His grip slackened a little and she twisted herself out of his reach for a brief second, she wanted to flee but he grabbed her again. "No, no I don't want to go with you!" She said again but her voice was cracking now. "I hate you," she told him, "I don't want you."

Now she was crying, tears streaming from her eyes like a faucet that wouldn't turn off. Her chest heaved with sobs and she stopped struggling. Her whole body went limp, "I don't want you," she repeated softly, her voice barely audible between her sobs. Her legs gave out and she would have collapsed onto the ground without Jane holding her up. "I…I…want…Will."

She barely choked out the last word before she gave over to her wails.

She felt Jane's hold on her soften, he pulled her up against him not to drag her but simply to hold her. He was being so gentle with her.

"I know," he whispered, "I know."

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_ Jane knew the parking lot of Lisbon's apartment building well, but he had never seen it like this. The lot was filled with police cruisers, an ambulance was parked to one side and the county coroner's van was close at hand as well. People were also scattered throughout, with a crowd of onlookers -many wearing bathrobes over their sleep wear- watching behind the barricades._

_ But he didn't care about them; he was looking for one person._

_ Rigsby found him first. "Jane," his friend called out and rushed over to him, Cho wasn't far behind._

_ Jane simply nodded his head in greeting, "Rigsby." He looked towards the door that marked the entrance to Lisbon's apartment. It was open now and he could see several officers inside. "Is it true?"_

_ Rigsby and Cho exchanged looks before nodding. "It's Red John." He felt his heart sink even though he'd already known what he would find, he just hated knowing that he had failed already…and most of all, knowing the crushing pain Lisbon was facing now. "The coroner said he died six hours ago," Rigsby continued, "so it was before you…you killed _him_."_

_ Jane looked up to meet his friend's eyes. His victory over Red John, it seemed so far away, so hallow now. "How is she?"_

_ Rigsby pointed to a figure sitting on the curb behind a cruiser. He recognized Grace's red hair as she stood nearby. "She's in shock I think."_

_ "Cops said she was hysterical when they found her," Cho explained, "but now she's just been sitting there."_

_ Jane watched her now, he couldn't see much but it was enough. She was just sitting there staring straight ahead. He knew she wasn't seeing anything in front of her; she was locked up in her mind, trapped elsewhere in a horrifying nightmare that was her new reality._

_ He turned back to the apartment. "I want see it."_

_ They didn't need to lead him to the body, he knew exactly where it was but they still followed him. "It's like the others," Cho told him, "no signs of a struggle, no evidence." Then the other agent reached over and picked up a small plastic bag with a piece of paper in it. "Except this."_

_ He handed the note to Jane. "This was on the door."_

_ That statement conjured up memories of his own private hell. It was obvious what Red John's game had been now; this wasn't just for her sake but for his as well. A message that he was to blame for this just like everything else._

_ Jane took the note and read it carefully. His throat tightened when he read the line 'pleasures of the flesh'. That only meant one thing. He looked up to meet Rigsby and Cho's eyes. "You read this?"_

_ They glanced at one another before nodding their heads awkwardly. Well then, what was done was done. They all knew now about that too. Jane had more important things to be concerned with now beyond his friend's knowledge of his personal life. He simply turned away and continued up the stairs down the hallway to the guest bedroom._

_ He'd passed that door many times to get to Lisbon's room. Most recently had been only two nights before as he'd led her protesting and giggling to her bed, trying to keep quiet so as not to wake her sleeping brother. It seemed moments were made even more beautiful in contrast to great tragedy._

_ Now Jane hesitated but a moment before opening the door and rediscovering his sins._

_ The smell of blood was overpowering and only heightened that feeling of dread when his eyes latched onto the red face drawn on the wall. Blood dripped from the eyes and the grin, mingling with the circle that surrounded it. Directly underneath the bloody face was the bed where William Lisbon had gone to sleep, only to die._

_ The bed was covered with a plastic sheet but that didn't hide the blood that had stained the sheets. Jane could also see part of one white hand; small rivulets of blood had dried down the length of his hand and fingers._

_ He walked over reverently and stood beside the bed. For a moment all he did was look down at the white plastic that tried and failed to hide the gruesome deed. Then he reached over and carefully lifted the sheet to see it for himself._

_ Will's skin was pale with death, the white looking even harsher when compared to the blood that covered him. The cuts were long and deep, just like all of the marks he'd seen on every Red John victim before him. His eyes were open and clouded over, his mouth slightly agape as if he'd awoken to horror just in time but was unable to scream._

_ It was unfortunate that he had the honor to be the last of Red John's victims._

_ "I'm sorry," Jane said in a voice that was barely even a whisper. Then he set the plastic back down and headed out of the room. He ignored Rigsby and Cho was they watched him leave. He kept walking; he didn't stop until he made it outside._

_ Lisbon was still sitting on the curb, she hadn't moved a millimeter. He didn't particularly want to see her like this but he had no choice…she needed him._

_ He walked over and met Grace's eyes as he did. She didn't say anything but understood his silent plea and she stepped away so he would have some privacy with her. Jane stopped a foot away from her._

_ She was staring at a spot on the ground away from him. Her hands and clothes were covered with blood, there were even streaks of blood on her face. He had never seen such an empty look on her face. "Lisbon," he began softly, his voice heavy with emotion. She didn't respond at all. "Lisbon," he said again. He considered his words for a moment before realizing that every single thought that came to mind was completely useless. "I…I don't really have anything to say."_

_ Lisbon still didn't move._

_ It was true. Nothing could be said to make this better, to change what had just happened. But he did have to offer one thing. "I am sorry, I never even thought that this would happen. I am so sorry," he told her again._

_ Then in an instant she turned her head and met his gaze. It happened so quickly it was almost startling but suddenly he was meeting her eyes…and what he saw there chilled him to the bone. It wasn't often that he was stunned but this was most definitely one of those times._

_ "You said that it was a mistake," her voice was completely absent of any emotion as she spoke. "You said that it was dangerous…but that you had a plan."_

_ He knew what she was talking about. The day they decided to begin their ill-advised relationship. "Lisbon…"_

_ Her eyes were still locked on his as she slowly rose to her feet. "You knew. You knew that Red John wouldn't like it, that he wouldn't stand the thought of us being together. You knew that he would strike back, that he would try _something_ to stop it." There was a very small smile on her face, bitter as wormwood. "And you were waiting. That was the plan right?"_

_ He didn't say anything; he was too shocked by what she had realized…and how bad this all was._

_ "Right?!"_

_ "Lisbon," Jane began again, putting a hand up as if to ease her, "It isn't what you think…"_

_ But she didn't give him a chance to explain. She punched him across the face. "You screwed me to get to Red John!" she shouted and hit him again, this time knocking him to the ground. "You screwed me and now my brother is dead, you selfish bastard!"_

_ Then she pulled out her gun and pointed it straight at him._

_ For a very long moment they stood there staring at one another. Tears were spilling down her cheeks, mingling with the blood that had dried on her face. Her hands were shaking, making the gun quake. The rest of the team stopped several feet away, watching the situation with wide shocked eyes._

_ But Jane barely noticed them, he was staring at Lisbon and for the first time ever he wondered if she would actually do it._

_ Her teeth were bared at him. "Well Jane, you got what you have always wanted. You have your revenge," she told him menacingly. "Red John is dead. Congratulations." Then she pulled the gun back. "Now get the hell out of my sight."_

_ And for once, Jane did as she asked._

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Lisbon was staring out the passenger's side window; she'd barely noticed that Jane had pulled his car into the parking lot of her hotel. He stopped it and killed the engine but did nothing else. He was staring too, straight ahead out of the windshield. For a very long time they stayed that way, both of them not looking at the other, both of them seeing the same memory before their eyes.

"How did we get here?" Jane asked, his voice was filled with sadness.

Lisbon blinked and turned to see that he was looking at her now. There were so many answers to that question but only one really mattered. "You won the game," she reminded him, "he failed and you didn't."

"Did he?" Jane wondered, "He succeeded in destroying us."

Her eyes closed at the word 'us' and tears fell from behind her lashes once more. "He didn't destroy you."

It was the truth. Five years ago Jane had been the one living in a hotel, merely existing in a world of his own torment. Now…now they were on opposite sides of familiar territory.

"That is because you saved me." She didn't say anything, didn't react to that bit of news. She wasn't sure if she believed that, she hadn't saved Jane, not when she'd nearly killed him. "Lisbon," he said, putting a gently hand on her arm. "Let me save you."

Now she met his eyes once more. "You can't."

"Why not?"

She smiled bitterly at him. "Because you don't know what I've done. You think Will is the only person I failed? No, I did something horrible, something much, much worse and if you knew…" she shook her head. "You would hate me."

Jane cocked his head and studied her. "You're so certain of that?"

"Yes," she told him honestly.

He kept his gaze on her but his voice was soft. She didn't know why he was looking at her like that she briefly wondered what he was seeing…or what he knew. "Why?"

She was quiet for a moment before admitting the truth. "Because I hate me."

Then Lisbon reached for the door handled and opened it but Jane grabbed her shoulder. "You never gave up on me, why should I give up on you?"

She met his eyes and let him see the pure pain that was in soul now. "Because you never did anything as horrible as I did." She stated simply, "Give up on me, I already have." Then she slid out of the car and walked away. She didn't have to turn around to know he was watching her.

Lisbon knew he wouldn't give up yet, not until he found out her greatest sin.

Then he would hate her too.

* * *

Lisbon woke up with the sunlight streaming through the white curtains of her hotel room. She'd collapsed on top of the mattress still wearing her grungy clothes that smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. She sat up with a groan and grimaced at the terrible taste in her mouth, her head was spinning and ever part of her ached.

She was too old to be this hungover.

But she was too depressed to stop drinking.

Somehow she managed to crawl out of bed and fumble to the bathroom. The overhead lights seared her corneas but she managed to dry heave over the toilet before popping a couple of aspirin and brushing some of the bad taste out of her mouth.

Next stop was a diner for some coffee and pancakes, anything to try and stop the aching in her head.

The memories of the night before kept assaulting her, screaming at Jane in the parking lot of the bar and then on the side of the road, crying in his arms and the sulking in the car. She wanted to feel ashamed but she couldn't work up any emotion at all. She was too busy focusing on other memories.

No amount of time or alcohol could wash away the image of her brother's blood on her wall.

Some days that was the memory that would haunt her for hours, the one that caused her the most pain.

Other times it was the fog that happened afterwards. Sitting on that curb outside her apartment, surrounded by flashing lights and comforting words that did no good as she recalled ever line of the note Red John had left for her. She'd put the pieces together right then and there, the truth slowly dawning on her.

_"This is dangerous for so many reasons, if I were a better man then I wouldn't do this…but I don't have a choice anymore."_

_ Her lips parted slightly in a silent gasp. Jane was afraid; there was no denying that. "What is it?"_

_ Jane's thumb glided over her lips like a soothing kiss. "I have a plan," he told her softly, "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."_

She'd thought he'd been talking about her job…but the night her brother was killed Red John had spelled it out for her clearly.

Jane knew. He knew that Red John would come after her, he knew that he wouldn't be able to stand the idea of them being together and he'd finally decided to use that fact as a part of his revenge.

It was something Lisbon had never thought would happen but it was a truth that was hard to stomach. Jane wasn't above seduction in his plans. He'd slept with one or Red John's followers and played a sensual game with her for nearly a year after that, all as a means of getting new information. She'd been a fool to believe that Jane had thought of her as anything more than a means to an end.

That was what hurt the most, knowing that she was just another Lorelei to him.

Lisbon finished the last dregs of her coffee and sighed in fatigue. She left a tip on the table and headed for the register at the front to pay. She tensed up when she saw the woman with a sweet little girl.

The child was running around the little podium and clapping her hands. She stopped and ran around Lisbon now, hiding behind her legs. Lisbon just stood there, doing her best to remain still and not burst into painful tears.

"I'm so sorry," the woman said, grabbing her daughter and pulling her back away from Lisbon.

"It's all right."

_Don't ask_, Lisbon silently begged, _don't ask._

"Do you have kids?"

Lisbon closed her eyes and dropped a twenty at the register along with her bill, doing what she could to hide the pain.

"No."

* * *

_ "Come on, Aunt Reese!" Annabeth called out, banging on the door to the bathroom for the fifth time. "You've been in there for over an hour!"_

_ But her aunt didn't answer and the door remained locked. "Come on!" she shouted and banged on the door harder now._

_ This caught the attention of her uncle; James who was trying to figure out why it sounded like his house was coming down around him. "What's going on?"_

_ Annabeth looked at her uncle and then gestured to the door. "I just want to get into the bathroom but Aunt Reese has locked herself in."_

_ James frowned and walked over to the door. He knocked gently. "Teresa? Are you okay?" The only answer was a muffled sound, like someone was quietly sobbing. "Teresa?" He knocked once more but there was no reply._

_ He turned to his niece. "Go use the bathroom in the master bedroom, I'll handle this okay?"_

_ Annie looked at the door and then back at her uncle. "Is she going to be all right?"_

_ He tousled her head. "She'll be fine, she just needs time, you know this is hard on all of us."_

_ "I know." Annie gave him a small sad smile before heading towards the second bathroom. James watched her go for a moment before he turned his attention back to the closed bathroom door. "Teresa, please answer. Let me in." Silence followed once more. "Look if you don't answer soon then I'm going to assume something is wrong." Again there was nothing. "All right, I'll break in if I have to."_

_ He waited a moment and let his threat sink in, but when he still didn't hear her he decided to make good on it. "All right, I'm breaking in!" He stepped back ready to kick the door in._

_ "Stop!" His sister shouted and James almost fell over he was startled. "I'm okay…I just…I really need to be alone right now."_

_ James sighed and knocked on the door softly. "Teresa, it's okay. What happened to Will isn't your fault." She didn't say anything; he knew she disagreed with him completely. "Look, we're going to head over to the church in an hour…you think you can come out by then?"_

_ He could hear the tears in her voice. "I'll be out soon."_

_ "Okay," Jane said sadly. What he really wanted was for his sister to come out and let him mingle his own grief with hers. He knew that sharing in this tragedy was the only way they could move past it but Teresa was intent on shutting everyone out._

_ He just wished he knew why she chose the bathroom._

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_ Lisbon didn't relax again until she heard James's footsteps leaving the door of the bathroom. She still twisted the towel around in her hands, pressing it to her mouth when she felt the tears coming strong again. She had to muffle her sobs; she didn't want everyone to know that she was crying uncontrollably._

_ They all thought it was because of Will, that since today was his funeral she was now falling apart. It was true, she was perilously close to having an anxiety attack at the thought that in a few hours she was going to have to bury her brother but at the moment she wasn't focusing on that. No, instead she was completely consumed by the knowledge that her once neat orderly life was now officially descending into chaos._

_ She couldn't let James come in. If he had he would have found his sister sitting on the floor and sobbing into a towel. But that wouldn't have been all._

_ No one knew that morning while lying in bed, begging the sun not to rise; another thought had popped into her head. A realization that she was missing something important…that something might be happening that would be the cherry on top of the awfulness of her life. No one had seen her sneak out of the house and drive down to the 24-hour pharmacy a few blocks down and no one had seen her quietly slip into the bathroom with a nondescript plastic bag. _

_ And no one had seen the positive pregnancy test resting beside her._

_ She buried her face into the towel then, looking away from those two pink lines. Today she was going to have to lay her brother to rest and today she now knew she was going to have Patrick Jane's baby. She honestly didn't understand how she had gotten to this terrible situation._

_ All she did understand was that life could be very cruel_

* * *

A/N: Hmmmmm How many of you guessed that Red John killed her brother? Well that would ruin her life for sure but then to find out she was pregnant on the day of the funeral? By the man she believed used her to get revenge? Ouch! Why does she keep saying she doesn't have kids? You'll have to see what she does in the next chapter hehehe


	5. Can't Stop the Memories

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Wow so sorry this took so long but I didn't mean to, writer's block kicked my ass with this chapter but I finally worked through it. I'm hoping I won't have the same problem next time hehehe. But I finally finished it! I'm glad the last chapter went over so well, now you know what Red John did to Lisbon. Time to show how Lisbon handled it...

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Work, school and life keep holding us back, but this chapter is finally done and my sister did an excellent job. More of the story really unfolds here. I hope you like it.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** LOL the day you posted that review is the day I posted this chapter! enjoy!

**Anonymous: ** Sorry for the wait but I finally did get this chapter posted

**Jolie:** You'll find out what happened to Lisbon's baby and where the baby is, I promise hehehe

**Moon83:** LOL well here is your fix

**JohAnna:** She said "no dead babies" so no, the baby didn't die, it is very much still alive. You're not far off on Lisbon's depression, you'll see more of that in chapter 6.

**Anonymous:** Nope, Jane doesn't "adopt" the baby. You'll see what happens

**Anonymous:** Awww thanks so much for the compliment. I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

**Anonymous:** Lisbon isn't the bad guy but the team has reason to be mad at her. She walked out on their lives and disappeared without a word, she did a lot to hurt them and they are giving her some tough love in the hope that she will straighten out.

**Anonymous:** Well thanks I guess LOL

**Elizabeth S: **I love to knock Jane and Lisbon around but I love to make them both at fault too so I'm glad you like that. I'm glad the brother's death was a shock, I wanted it to be startling that something like that happened.

**Misfit 1-3:** LOL sorry it took long but here is more!

**Anonymous: ** So sorry for the long wait but Writer's Block is a bitch

**Kourion: ** LOL good, you're supposed to feel sorry for Lisbon

* * *

Chapter 5: Can't Stop the Memories

Cho's team was on time and busy at work in the bullpen when Jane walked in. He wasn't surprised that Lisbon was currently missing, she might still be asleep or nursing the inevitable hangover. He was tired too, mostly because he'd spend the night tossing and turning, unable to get the image of Lisbon sobbing on the side of the road out of his head. It was the picture of someone that was completely broken.

He stopped by Grace's desk with a smile. "Thanks again for helping me out last night."

The redhead smiled back. "It's all right, no trouble at all."

The other two members of the team could hear the conversation, they were aware of the true subject at hand. Rigsby met Jane's eyes with a sad look on his face. "How is she?"

Jane sighed heavily. "Let's just say it was an interesting night."

"That's all you are going to tell us?"

He didn't have to answer that question, they already knew that Jane wasn't going to explain further. Jane took a seat on his couch, a nap seemed like a good idea but he knew he wasn't going to be able to get one when they were all staring at him. Good thing some things as miniscule as looks didn't affect him.

"It was bad," Cho stated, he was the one who would guess the truth.

"If you have to ask," Jane replied calmly, still not telling them anything else.

"Why did it happen?"

"She was upset," Jane explained, "I'm trying to push her to work through her anger, depression and grief and that means sometimes she's going to go over the edge."

Cho didn't look happy about that. "You're supposed to be helping her."

"It is a delicate situation."

"No shit."

Jane was starting to get exasperated with the man. "What do you want me to do? I'm trying to help her but we all know that this isn't going to be easy."

The other man just raised an eyebrow. "Then let us help."

It was a very sweet thought and Jane couldn't blame any of them for wanting to pitch in…but he also knew it wasn't what she needed. "You can't." Oh they really didn't like that truth, with the way all three of them glared at him. "It's the truth, I have to fix this, I'm the one she blames and we all know that I'm the one who has the most at stake here."

Grace was staring at him disapprovingly. "I think you should tell her the truth."

Jane shook his head. "No."

"Jane!"

"She's not ready," he stated firmly, "if she finds out what happened too soon, she'll run away again and I don't want to wait another five years. Too much time has passed already."

"Don't you think you are doing the same thing to her that she did to you?"

Jane knew when there was more being said underneath the surface. "Just what are you suggesting?"

Grace leveled her eyes with him. "Is this really about helping Lisbon or are you trying to get revenge?"

He stared at her for a moment, more than a little annoyed that she would suggest something like this. "You think I'm that petty?"

"You are still angry at her aren't you?"

"Yes, I'm mad that she ran away," Jane admitted, "But I'm far more concerned about the fact that she is hell bent on self destruction."

"Then let us help."

"I have to do this," Jane told her honestly, "I have to do this because I'm the only one who actually knows what she is going through. I lost my family to Red John and I survived it…I survived it because I had her. The only person who can possibly help her…is Teresa Lisbon; I have to help her come back. Hope is what she needs…but she isn't ready, not until she starts to face what she did."

They were all quiet after his little speech, which meant Jane knew he'd gotten through to them. They might not understand why this was his responsibility but at the very least they had to accept it. He had to do this himself, not only for his own peace of mind but because he had to fix what he broke. Her brother died in his quest to find Red John, everything that happened including her depression was because of him.

He would fix her…somehow.

* * *

Two aspirin did little to help Lisbon's headache but at least it dulled it enough to allow her to function. If she were back in New York she'd probably blow the day off and lie in bed trying to get through the hangover, that's what she did one the two days out of the year she purposefully over imbibed. But she wasn't in New York where she could be depressed in peace; no she was back in California and had a job to do. If she didn't go to the CBI she had a feeling she would get an unwelcome guest in her hotel room again.

The night before was stuck on repeat in Lisbon's mind. From Jane's harsh words at the CBI to her drunken misadventure in the bar and of course, the roadside fight and meltdown. Lisbon hated that she'd cried, she hated it even more that she'd cried in Jane's arms. But she'd felt raw and exposed, every emotion she'd felt for that man had come tumbling out of her. She'd confessed far too much.

_"Because you don't know what I've done. You think Will is the only person I failed? No, I did something horrible, something much, much worse and if you knew…you would hate me."_

It was the truth. If Jane knew what had happened after he disappeared the night her brother died, he would never speak to her again. That might have given her an incentive to actually tell him, except Lisbon didn't like to think about what she'd done. Unfortunately that was becoming impossible.

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_ Lisbon found wakes to be utterly ridiculous, she remembered thinking the same thing after her mother's funeral. How was sitting around being force-fed food supposed to suddenly ease the hurt? It didn't, nothing could fill that void not even a delicious blackberry cobbler with homemade vanilla ice cream. But everything tasted like sawdust to her at the moment._

_ She sat there at the kitchen table, looking at the various Tupperware containers and paper plates that contained cookies or brownies cut in neat squares. It was depressing having all of this food surrounding her, like she was at a bake sale or something._

_ Leah was in her element, trying to smooth things over. She was probably the most even-tempered woman Lisbon knew, she was the perfect fit for James who needed someone to keep him calm. She was the one who kept track of the mourners who came by to support them, who kept an eye on the kids to make sure they weren't getting into trouble, all the while still standing by her husband whenever he began to crack with the knowledge that his younger brother was now gone._

_ Tommy was doing what he could too, even as he battled his own grief. Annie was the one keeping an eye on him, staying next to him throughout the entire funeral. But her father was stronger than he appeared, he was taking Will's death the best actually, throwing himself into protecting what remained of his family. James was trying to do the same, even if he still appeared more in shock than anything._

_ They both did what they could for their older sister, but she wasn't so receptive to their attempts at helping her. She spent the entire funeral sitting quietly, staring straight ahead at the coffin. She didn't speak to anyone who came to give their condolences; her movements had been entirely mechanical, as she'd placed the single rose on her brother's coffin before it was lowered into the ground._

_ Now she simply sat at the kitchen table, staring at the piles of food but not really seeing them at all._

_ She barely noticed when James came out of the second bathroom, gesturing to Tommy. Out of the corner of her eye she watched Tommy talked to James and then suddenly went pale. "Annie!" he shouted and she saw his face start turning red._

_ That was when Lisbon got a very bad feeling._

_ Tommy's daughter had been in the back bedroom watching something on TV with her cousins away from the adults. She was obviously surprised by her father's tone. "What?"_

_ "Who is he?"_

_ Annie looked really confused now. "Who?"_

_ "It's that punk Eric isn't it? Isn't it?"_

_ "What does Eric have to do with anything?" Lisbon didn't know who Eric was but that didn't matter. Now she was sure she'd been found out._

_ Still she did nothing._

_ Tommy stepped forward with dark clouds over his eyes. "James found your test in the trash."_

_ "What test?" Annie asked, she was actually confused._

_ "How could you be so stupid?"_

_ "Dad, seriously, I have no idea what you are talking about!"_

_ "What do you think you are going to do with a baby?"_

_ "Baby?" Annie repeated and then realization dawned on her. "I'm not pregnant!"_

_ "Don't lie to me," Tommy growled out, "James found your test."_

_ "Dad, believe me I'm not pregnant," she repeated. Annie looked more than a little embarrassed now and she whispered. "I'm on my period, ask Aunt Leah she gave me a tampon."_

_ "What?"_

_ "I'm not pregnant!"_

_ Tommy faltered a little bit and shook his head. "Annie, I'm serious about this. You can't lie to me."_

_ "Dad, I'm not lying!"_

_ "Then who else's could it be?"_

_ Lisbon had been watching the whole exchange without any emotion on her face. She turned her eyes a little to see that James was staring at her now. That was all it took._

_ "Tommy," James said, stepping up to the father and daughter. "Teresa was in that bathroom for two hours."_

_ Both brothers turned around to gape at her. All she did was stare back._

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_ Leah rounded up the kids to take them to Coldstone for some ice cream, assuring her husband that she would be gone at least two hours. None of the younger Lisbons knew what was going on with the exception of Annie, but she kept her mouth shut though she kept a curious eye on her aunt as she followed her cousins out the door._

_ Soon enough it was the three remaining Lisbon siblings. She hadn't moved an inch, still sitting exactly where she had been at the table. Now Tommy and James sat across from her, their faces grave. "Reese?" Tommy asked, she knew what he meant._

_ Lisbon finally lifted her eyes and met their gaze. For a second she remained completely still and then slowly she nodded her head in answer to the unspoken question._

_ She was pregnant._

_ Tommy and James exchanged looks and leaned back in their seats as they processed the news. "It's his isn't it?" James asked._

_ She looked up again. "Yes, apparently Patrick Jane wasn't done screwing up my life yet."_

_ "Does he know?" Lisbon shook her head this time and both of her brother's exhaled in relief. "Okay," James said as he processed all of this. "Then we need to figure this out."_

_ "Figure what out?"_

_ He stared at her like she'd suddenly grown a second head. "You're pregnant."_

_ "So?"_

_ "So you're going to have a kid in a few months."_

_ Lisbon ducked her head and ran her fingertip over the glass rim of a plate filled with cookies. She wasn't quite so sure if things were as dire as they made it out to be, then again she didn't really care that there was another person growing inside of her. Nothing really seemed to matter anymore._

_ It was Tommy who noticed it first. "Teresa, do you even _want_ this baby?"_

_ She finally looked up and met his eyes, she had no idea what he saw on her face but it must have been terrible. "I don't want _his_ baby."_

_ They were quiet. The two of them both coming to same horrible conclusion but Lisbon wasn't going to feel guilty for it. She was already feeling enough guilt over getting her brother killed. Getting rid of a mistake was nothing compared to that._

_ Maybe._

_ It was easy for her to say and to think except when she actually tried to picture doing it. Somehow she couldn't quite accept that she really was pregnant with Jane's baby, a part of her just wanted to pretend that it wasn't real. Maybe if she ignored it then it would all go away._

_ "What are you going to do?" Tommy asked._

_ Lisbon looked away; staring at the plate of cookies again as if that plate could hold the answers she sought. But it didn't, just sugar, butter and flour mixed with chocolate chips._

_ "I don't know," she finally said, it was as close to the truth as she could admit._

_ Tomorrow she was going to have to board a plane and go back to California to face her coworkers and her job…and him._

_ The last time she'd seen him she'd stuck a gun in his face._

_ Maybe this time she'll pull the trigger._

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Lisbon was in a daze when she finally made it to the CBI. Her head still hurt but right now it was her heart that was causing her the most pain. It was like a damn had broken and memories were just spilling out despite how much she wanted to forget. It hurt too damn much to remember everything that had happened.

Finally she made it to the elevator where thankfully she was alone. She needed these few moments to gather her wits and not be stared at like a monkey in a zoo. The return of Teresa Lisbon was the biggest piece of gossip to grace the halls of the CBI since…ever.

The bell dinged and the doors opened and once more she was the center of attention. But Lisbon knew how to ignore the stares as she made her way towards the bullpen. Why did the place have to have so many windows? It was too damn bright for those that were losing a battle with a hangover.

She was a bit surprised to find the team scrambling in the bullpen when she walked in. The first person who noticed her was Jane and she immediately looked away, shame mad her cheeks turn bright red. "What's going on?"

It was Cho who finally told her. "We have a new victim."

Now the day was complete.

* * *

It wasn't the typical house of a lawyer but Lisbon supposed that non-profit child service advocates didn't make good money. It was a pity; it probably meant that Deborah Channing was actually a decent person. Clearly her killer didn't believe that her work meant she had the right to live.

The house was mostly untouched except for the bedroom. It was pristine but for the bloody mess on the bed and of course, the cross painted on the wall. The red drips from the arms of the cross were particularly disturbing.

For a long time all Lisbon could do was stand there and look at it. The smell was overpowering and it was all far too familiar. The bloody sheets, the coppery smell, the red drips standing out against the white paint.

Her ears echoed with her phantom screams.

"It's different."

Jane's voice knocked Lisbon back into the moment. She turned around to meet his eyes. "What's different?"

He grinned and took a few steps towards the bed. "The chess piece, it's not a pawn."

Lisbon stepped next to Jane and carefully bent over the bedside table to see that Jane was right. Instead of the simple black pawn that had been in the other crime scenes, this one was the black piece styled after a castle. "The rook."

He nodded. "Interesting."

"What do you think it means?"

"I have a few ideas," He told her with his grin that said he wasn't going to share yet. God she hated that smile, it was the smile designed to annoy her while he looked like an angel.

Cho and Rigsby came into the room, ignoring Jane's smirk and Lisbon's glare. "Who found her?" Lisbon asked. It felt weird that she had to ask this question, she was used to being given the answers. But she wasn't the leader anymore…this actually wasn't her team anymore.

Rigsby glanced over at Cho before deciding to answer. "Her neighbor came over, her cat had gotten into their yard. She searched the house and found this."

"Does she have any family nearby?" Jane asked.

Rigsby shook his head. "Her sister lives in England."

Jane nodded his head. "Well then we'll want to talk to her coworkers, we'll need to look into her files."

"What are we looking for?"

"Anything that connects her to Claire," Jane explained. He glanced back at the room once more and then pointed at the chess piece. "I'm going to need that." Then he turned and walked out.

Lisbon watched him go and then looked over at Cho. "I guess some things haven't changed.

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Deborah Channing had been an advocate for child services for over fifteen years, meaning she had a lot of files. This might not be her team anymore but this was still her case so Lisbon wasn't above pitching in. She took a working lunch, grabbing a deli sandwich to eat at Grace's desk while she poured over the files trying to find a connection to Claire. The rest of the team had similar ideas except for Jane to who disappeared again. She tried to pretend that it didn't sting that Jane was off on another lunch date with his girlfriend; mostly what she felt was numb though. After the previous night she was all wrung out and too tired to feel much pain.

"What about Peter Hensworth?" Cho asked, "have you talked to him yet?"

"His voicemail," Lisbon replied.

They all sighed at that frustration, there was no helping it though. Finally she just shook her head. "Jane is right, it has to be connected to the foster family, the problem is that Channing had a long relationship with the Pearce's, dozens of kids she worked with lived with them at some time or another."

There was the problem. Too many possibilities, perhaps with more information Jane could whittle the list down but maybe not. So far no real information was forthcoming, not from Channing who was dead or the Pearce's who hadn't survived breast cancer and a heart attack years before respectively.

Everywhere Lisbon turned she saw either a dead end or a dark path. Not unlike her own life.

They all took another stack of folders and kept digging, placing the ones that might have known or crossed paths with Claire in a separate section to be looked over again with a fine toothed comb. It felt almost natural, there was something very familiar and soothing about this, perhaps she was still connected to the past in some ways.

"Agent Cho, you did not inform me that this was a joint investigation."

Lisbon flinched as soon as she heard Bertram's voice. He didn't sound happy at all, maybe because she was there and it was too much like the past. Or maybe he just lost big at poker last week, it was hard to tell with Bertram. She turned to look at him; he must have been caught off guard because suddenly he looked startled. Maybe it was how different she looked with that dead look in her eyes.

"A case crossed over with one of theirs," Lisbon explained, "Cho and I agreed to share resources."

Bertram nodded. "It is good to see you again, you know we all still consider you family." Lisbon almost rolled her eyes at that. How could he throw away words like _family_ after the last time she'd seen him. That moment was seared into her memory just like every other bad moment of those many months.

"Thanks," Lisbon said but there wasn't a hint of emotion in her voice.

The man looked uncomfortable now. This wasn't something he knew how to deal with. The Lisbon he'd known had been calm and confident, not emotionally raw and dead inside. But that woman was dead, killed when her brother breathed his last as a monster painted her walls with his blood.

Bertram turned his attention to Cho. "I'd like an update on this case, especially since it has clearly become very disconcerting."

Cho nodded. "Yes sir."

Lisbon watched the go. She wanted to feel remorse or nostalgia but she didn't feel anything really, nothing could touch her at this moment. Rigsby and Grace turned their attention back to the files but Lisbon stared at the one open in front of her without seeing it anymore.

The past was just coming back to haunt her again.

* * *

_ She felt like the little girl sitting in the principal's office, not that she'd ever been that girl before but she imagined this was what it was like. Bertram piddled at his desk, looking over some paper while she patiently waited._

_ He'd called her the morning after she came back to Sacramento, informing her that he needed to speak with her immediately. Lisbon considered blowing him off, she didn't really care what Bertram thought about her at the moment. Quite honestly nothing seemed to matter, not when her life had unraveled at the seams. But she didn't have a disobedient bone in her body so she'd shown up, even if she was wearing sweatpants._

_ Finally he put the paper down and met her eyes. "I asked you here to discuss what happened with your team and the Red John investigation. While I congratulate and commend you on finally ridding our state of this menace…there are many things that trouble me."_

_ She just stared straight ahead, barely noticing his words. "My brother is dead," she whispered, the words barely escaping her lips._

_ Bertram did have enough of a heart to give her a sympathetic. "Yes and we are all sorry for your loss. It is a terrible tragedy what happened to him." The few seconds of silence seemed to stretch forever, she didn't reply or thank him for his sympathy, she knew most of it was false anyways. "But I want to talk to you about what happened, the letter Red John left for you. I read it." He waited patiently for her to react but he was going to be disappointed. She did nothing. She felt nothing. "Were you really conducting an inappropriate relationship with your consultant?"_

_ Lisbon didn't know what he expected her to say, probably a denial or an excuse. She had none though which is why she just blurted out. "I was sleeping with Jane."_

_ He raised an eyebrow at that. "Is there anything else you care to say about that?"_

_ She shook her head. "No."_

_ "Then we can discuss how that was a gross violation of conduct, not only are you his superior but romantic entanglements between teammates is against the CBI policy. You know that it causes divided loyalties, not to mention numerous other complications."_

_ "My brother is dead," Lisbon said softly again, "My brother is dead because I was sleeping with Jane."_

_ Apparently that was enough to take some of the outrage out of him. He sighed heavily. "Yes I know." She closed her eyes slowly and opened them again, she didn't cry though. She didn't have any tears left. "I did warn you of what your feelings for him would do." Bertram reminded her. He hadn't been the only one, LaRoche, Ardiles, Minelli…all of them had told her that Jane would be her downfall one day. "While your relationship was in appropriate, with Jane's resignation, it is no longer an issue."_

_ That shook her out of her stupor for a moment. "Jane quit?"_

_ "Yes, last week. I received his message and that was the end of it."_

_ Lisbon was more than a little surprised by that but she didn't know why. She'd always been afraid he would quit once Red John was killed but she'd hoped he would stay, maybe even for her. Since Will's death she hadn't actually thought at all about what Jane would do, she'd just assumed she would have to face him again when she came back._

_ Now here she was off the hook. He was gone; she would never have to see him again._

_ And he wouldn't have to know about the baby._

_ Bertram went onto a lengthy explanation about the future of the CBI without Jane. Things were going to change, it was going to be a place of real business and not childish shenanigans. Professionalism and discipline would be key components and despite her past he knew she could be a part of it._

_ But she barely heard him anymore, she wasn't listening._

_ Jane had quit. He was gone…and here she was._

_ He'd left just like she'd been afraid he would, confirming everything she'd feared. He'd only viewed her and the CBI as a means to an end. Now that his revenge was met there was no longer anything to tie him to them. She hadn't actually meant anything at all. Just the woman he screwed to piss off Red John and finally end the game._

_ Her brother didn't matter._

_ The baby didn't matter_

_ Nothing did._

_ When Bertram abruptly stopped talking it took Lisbon a few seconds to realize what she'd just said. He gaped at her in stunned disbelief. She considered taking it back but realized that just like Jane, it didn't matter anymore. Instead she stood up and left the room._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ The rest of the team was in the bullpen but they weren't busy. They weren't on call for any case, not while everything was so hectic. They were being hounded by the media to talk about Red John but they didn't take those calls, they just wanted to do their jobs._

_ Lisbon stared at them for a moment. Really they were the three innocents in all of this, the ones who hadn't brought any of this on themselves. She'd been the one who'd accepted Jane as a member of the team, the one who'd decided to let him run amok, the one who'd let him into her bed and her heart. Their only sin was loyalty to a fault. If they'd had any sense of self-preservation they would have realized her feelings for Jane had been leading them all straight over a cliff. But they had stayed…for her._

_ Grace looked up and saw her first. "Boss!" One by one the other two looked up see her. Grace immediately rushed over to hug her. "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?"_

_ Lisbon didn't say anything but eventually she got out of the hug. They all stared back at her waiting for her to speak but the words were locked up in her throat._

_ Finally she turned to Cho who was still sitting at his desk, calmly waiting for her to do something, to give an order he would follow. He was good and strong, rigid but knew this job better than anyone. Lisbon stepped over to his desk and smiled very softly at him. "You'll do better than me." She told him, and then gently placed it on his desk._

_ Her badge._

_ She heard the sharp gasp from Grace and Rigsby but Cho just gaped at her, looking completely lost for a moment. But she just smiled back at him, then at each of them in turn before calmly turning around and walking out of the room._

_ No one said a word as she made her way to the elevator and stepped inside._

_ Agent Teresa Lisbon of the CBI was dead now too._

* * *

They had a short list of names…that actually wasn't that short, now Lisbon, Jane and Rigsby were on their way to Channing's office. Cho had insisted that Rigsby go with them, perhaps because he wanted an actual CBI agent with them or maybe it was also because he didn't trust Lisbon not to hurt Jane.

The anger and pain was still there but Lisbon couldn't muster up the same outrage anymore. The past few days had wrung out some of that bad blood…not all but some. She couldn't forgive him, she still was sure that a part of her hated him…but she couldn't find the same desire to pull her gun on him. Not now.

She didn't say anything on the car ride over to the office. Jane tried to cajole her into speaking but she didn't take the bait. Rigsby was more talkative, updating Jane on his married life and of course, their expecting child. Lisbon tried to ignore it, the last thing she wanted to hear about was someone's new baby, it was all too painful for her to think about

Finally they got to the office and Lisbon quickly stepped out of the car, eager to be in a public place where she didn't have to think about her past and her old friends' new lives. The building was rather rundown, probably because it was non-profit but the inside was nice and warm with some cheer.

The friendly receptionist stopped smiling when they explained the reason for their visit, she immediately became sad but did direct them to the lead partner in the business. Another woman named Hillary Branton.

"We're all in shock right now," the woman explained, stepping up from her desk to shake their hands. "Deborah was here from the beginning. Helping kids was her life; she devoted herself to her clients. It doesn't seem right that something like this would happen to her."

"We believe that one of her clients might have done this, perhaps in connection to Claire Hensworth."

"I can imagine any one of our clients doing this."

"Oh that's not true," Jane stated, startling the woman.

"I beg your pardon."

"You work with troubled kids who become troubled adults and as soon as you found out that Deborah was killed no less than a dozen names came to your mind…no, more? Wow, we'll need to see that list."

Lisbon glared at Jane. "Don't you ever get tired of doing that?"

Jane grinned back at her. "Not at all."

She rolled her eyes and become the professional. "Ma'am it is important that we receive your cooperation. We have a strong reason to suspect that someone in connection to Claire and Deborah killed them both and one other We need to see the files on her clients so we can compare them to list we already have."

Hillary relaxed, clearly believing that Lisbon was someone she could deal with. "It is unfortunate that several of the youth we work for do not get out of the cycle that drove them here. They come from broken homes, drugs, robbery; it's all a terrible thing. We try to put them in stable environments but sometimes it does not take."

Lisbon nodded. "We know."

She sighed heavily. "I can provide you the files on all of Deborah's clients, but you have to realize that this is all confidential, many of their records are sealed."

"This is a CBI case," Rigsby explained, "We'll be discreet."

It took a few phone calls and waiting but a stack of files was being sent to the CBI via courier service, meanwhile Jane was able to cajole a list of names out of Hillary. After being his charming self he had her eating out of his hand. Lisbon hated that, he could piss people off in one moment and have them blushing like schoolgirls in the next.

Finally they were heading back to the car. "You'll need to contact your client," Jane pointed out as they made their way out of the building.

"Why?"

"There's a good chance he knew him too."

"It was years ago," Lisbon reminded him, "he doesn't have your vivid memory."

"But we all remember some things," Jane pointed out, "things that are painful or hard…things that just don't seem right. He knows something, even if he doesn't realize it." She rolled her eyes and marched towards the car but stopped short when Jane said. "I'd like to talk to him."

She turned to gape at him for a moment. "What?"

"I should talk to him, find out what else he knows."

Lisbon shook her head. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you to."

Jane smiled. "You think that's a good enough reason?"

"This is my job," Lisbon reminded him.

"And you hate it."

"I have to do my job, I have to keep him happy and I have to find his killer. What I don't have to do is let you torture him with your usually offensive tactics so no, you won't be talking to him." Lisbon finished turned around and heading back towards the car, her strides long and angry.

Rigsby unlocked the car and she yanked open the passenger side door, ready to haul herself in and get back to work at the CBI. But before she could step into the car she saw the building across the street and she froze. Sacramento Women's Health Clinic and Reproduction Services. Her hands gripped the window of the car door but she couldn't move, just stared at the sign.

"You all right?" Rigsby asked, he nudged her shoulder forcing her out of her stupor.

"I'm fine," Lisbon said, but she was pale now and her voice was soft. She turned to get into the car but caught Jane's eye. He was staring at her with a careful look on his face, like he was trying to read her.

She knew he must have scene her reaction but he couldn't know what it was for. Not at all, if he did he would have badgered her with questions but instead Jane remained silent.

Lisbon sat down in the car and closed her eyes until they were several miles away. She didn't want to see that building again.

* * *

_Three days after she quit the CBI Lisbon had an appointment with her doctor. Really it was just to get as much information as she needed before she could get rid of this little problem. There were a lot of things she had to do though, such as moving into the cheap apartment she'd rented. At least her old super was nice and let her out of her old lease, he knew she didn't want to live in the home where her brother had died._

_ Her doctor was friendly, asking her questions about her health, genetic history and birth control before finally using a chart to determine that she was approximately six weeks along. Finally the dreaded question came. "Do you have any questions of concerns?"_

_ She actually hesitated though she didn't know why. "Do you have any recommendations if I decide not to keep it?"_

_ It was a long awkward pause. Finally she pulled out several pamphlets but also gave her the card to a councilor who could help her make this decision. Lisbon palmed the card but knew she wasn't going to use it. The decision had already been made._

_ She didn't want Jane's baby._

_ So she made an appointment with Sacramento Women's Health Clinic and Reproduction Services for the next week, reasoning that it would be best to get this over with as soon as possible. She didn't even tell her brothers what her plan was, just avoided talking about _it_ every time they called._

_ It was a Thursday morning when she made the drive to the clinic to finally get rid of this terrible mistake. The drive wasn't that long but it seemed to stretch forever as her mind wandered over what was happening._

_ She was pregnant. Pregnant with Jane's child. She didn't want his baby, not after what had happened. Maybe once upon a time she would have wanted a baby, maybe even Jane's baby but not now. Jane had used her, he'd slept with her just to get to Red John and she'd been his willing participant. Because of that her brother was dead. She couldn't have a baby after that; she couldn't trade her brother's life for a child. Not when her brother would now never have kids of his own._

_ The parking lot was rather sparse but shaded, privacy for the women perhaps. She pulled into an empty spot near the building and turned off the engine. But she couldn't seem to reach for that door handle. Something stopped her, some dormant feeling of pain made her suddenly wonder if maybe this wasn't right._

_ This was stupid. Jane didn't care about her and he certainly wouldn't care about his kid. He'd already disappeared, probably living his life without a care in the world now that his revenge was met. She meant nothing to him so she should just cut off every connection with him completely, especially this one._

_ She'd already killed her brother after all._

_ What did it matter if she had more blood on her hands?_

_ Lisbon stared at the clinic sign, her hands shook and tears slid down her cheeks. She didn't want this baby. Didn't want anything more to do with Jane. She couldn't have it, couldn't go through with this. She had no plans, no job and no life at all worth living. She was completely dead inside, this kid was better off dead too._

_ "Just do it!" She told herself, "Go in there and get rid of it."_

_ She could do this. She would do this._

_ Lisbon reached for the door handle and stopped once more. She hated Jane, she hated him._

_ But she couldn't seem to hate this baby…it was probably the only person in this who hadn't done anything wrong._

_ So instead she reached over and turned the ignition back on. Lisbon put the car in drive and headed out of the parking lot, her heart pounding in her ears as she drove away from the clinic._

_ She still didn't want this baby._

_ But she didn't want to kill it either._

* * *

Lisbon took a few minutes in the bathroom to compose herself. It was getting difficult to keep her emotions under control when she was constantly under assault by her memories. Coming back to Sacramento had been an absolutely terrible idea. It seemed everywhere she turned there was another place that would bring it all screaming back. The abortion clinic was the worst so far, especially since Jane had seen her reaction. The last thing she wanted was Jane catching on to her little secret from him.

She splashed some water on her face after the intense moment. She'd actually dry heaved over the toilet for a moment, but nothing had come up. It was too much anxiety for her, too much for her to take. It had been a while since she'd felt so anxious she'd vomited but it had been even longer since she'd willingly thought of that baby she'd carried inside of her.

A toilet flushed as Lisbon was drying her face with a scratchy paper towel and she was a bit surprised to see Grace come out. She hadn't known that the agent had even come in. She gave Lisbon a sweet smile as she washed her hands. "It feels like I'm always coming here now," Grace said, "Being pregnant isn't easy."

Lisbon didn't really look at her, balling up the paper towel again and again until the weak paper was practically shredded. She didn't do small talk anymore, especially about pregnancy.

"But its only going to get worse isn't?" Grace continued, she fixed her hair in the mirror. "Wayne is hoping for a girl with my hair, it's so sweet. He keeps talking to it every night, he thinks the baby can hear him."

It was becoming far too much for Lisbon to bear. She turned and gave Grace a cold look. "I really don't want to talk to you about your baby or any baby…_ever_."

Grace was clearly shocked and upset by that statement but Lisbon wasn't going to stick around and feel guilty for it. She was selfish these days, just doing whatever she could to make her existence bearable, not caring how callous it made her sound.

Lisbon turned to walk out of the bathroom and get away from Grace but the other woman decided to follow her. "Hey!" Grace shouted, catching her attention, making her stop in the mostly deserted hallway. "what is wrong with you?"

"What is wrong with me?" Lisbon repeated, scoffing. "_Everything_."

Grace couldn't argue that point, not when it was the truth. "What do you want, Lisbon?"

That was a damn good question. "I don't know," Lisbon admitted, "I just don't…"

The woman looked at her, a mixture of sadness and anger. "I did everything you asked of me. I tried to help you and I thought…I thought it was working."

"I know."

"What about your baby?" Grace asked her. "Don't you want to know what happened to your baby?"

"No," Lisbon told her honestly. "I don't."

"I don't believe you." Lisbon scoffed and moved to leave but Grace grabbed her arm. "You had a baby, a _baby_. I can't believe you can just walk away from that without some emotion, not now. I'm pregnant and I can't shake how much I care for this child and I don't even know it yet…I know you had to feel something too."

"Please stop," she begged softly, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. This was all far too much for her to take. "Please…"

"No," Grace replied, "You need to know, you need to find out where your child is."

She shook her head. "I can't. I'm can't be a mother, Grace. I couldn't do it then, my baby deserved so much better than what I could give it."

"That isn't true."

"Look at my life!" Lisbon shouted, "This is who I am now! This is what my brother's death and Jane's betrayal did to me! That kid deserves more than this and what I did…what you helped me do…it's for the best and you know it."

Grace stared at her for a while and then said softly. "Your baby, Lisbon…you have a child."

Lisbon swallowed back her emotions and shook her head. "No, Grace…I don't."

* * *

_Without a job, hobby, or friends, Lisbon's life now revolved around errands. It was a sad truth that she accepted along with everything else that was going on in her life. It was her penance, she decided. Her lips twitched involuntarily as the thought floated through her mind, 'just like Jane'. Then she scowled at herself for thinking of him, she wasn't supposed to do that anymore._

_ But that was impossible, not while she felt his baby moving inside of her._

_ His baby. Her baby. Their baby. However she thought about it there was the unshakeable fact that she was carrying another human being inside of her. She tried not to think about how huge it was which was probably a mistake._

_ Her brothers thought she was being foolish. _"Do you even want this baby?"_ They'd asked her the day they had discovered that pregnancy test._

"I don't know."

_ She still didn't._

_ She had gone over the options. Abortion, adoption, keeping the baby. In the beginning that first option had been enticing. _"I don't want to have his baby!"_ she'd declared and had convinced herself that she meant it. She hated him, hated him for seducing her to catch a killer and inadvertently causing her brother's death. She hated him for leaving without a word. She hated him because she still couldn't hate him even after all of those reasons she should._

_ She didn't want to have an abortion, she couldn't imagine being responsible for the death of another life._

_ Adoption was another option and she had seriously looked into it. There was a nice agency that had a pamphlet that explained everything; she could choose the parents, have a closed or open adoption. She could put in the option that she could search for her child or her child could find her when it reached a certain age…or she could do this anonymously and sever all ties. Lisbon didn't think she could actually care for a baby when she barely wanted to care for herself. Adoption seemed to make sense._

_ Except adoption seemed like the route teenage girls took when they were in trouble, she felt self-conscious, like she was too old to take that opportunity. It wasn't like she didn't have the means, nor was she a drug-addict or homeless. She couldn't think of any reason why she couldn't keep the baby._

_ Except for the fact that she still wasn't sure if she even wanted it._

_ She had wanted to be a mother. When she had left Chicago it had been a distant fantasy, after she got her career together then she would find the right guy and then they would have a kid. Then when said guy never appeared she convinced herself that she was happy just being a career woman, but she'd always known that that was a lie. She had wanted to be a mother…just not like this. But a small part of her said she would regret this opportunity if she let it slip away._

_ Which is why she was stuck in-between. She was now six months along and now everyone who saw her knew she was pregnant but she wasn't prepared at all. She hadn't even begun to look into buying baby things or setting up a nursery, she just carried on as if she didn't have a baby coming in three months. Easier said than done, she didn't have a job to distract her or friends, she lived day to day now._

_ It was grocery-shopping day, something Lisbon looked forward to. It meant she could spend several hours in a grocery store planning out her meals for the week instead of staying in her home hating herself. So she grabbed a cart and started wandering through the aisles, picking out anything that struck her fancy._

_ She was debating the freshness of a pair of tomatoes when a nice looking woman about her age smiled at her. "How far along are you?"_

_ Lisbon looked down at her round stomach. Oh yeah, she was pregnant. "Ummm," she knew she was six months along…but how many weeks? "Twenty-fiveish." Lisbon guessed, a little embarrassed that she didn't know off the top of her head._

_ But if the stranger noticed, she didn't care. "Do you know if you are having a boy or girl?"_

_ "No."_

_ "Ah so you want to be surprised."_

_ "Yeah," Lisbon agreed dryly, "that's it." In reality she simply didn't care, what did it matter if she was having a boy or a girl. She didn't deserve either!_

_ "I loved being pregnant," the woman declared happily._

_ Lisbon put on a very fake grin. "It's the best." Then she steered her cart away from her and walked away as fast as Miss Manners would allow._

_ The rest of the hour was uneventful as she picked out some more food and she ignored any other women to avoid being grilled about her pregnancy again. Eventually she moved her cart to the checkout lane and began to pile up her groceries._

_ She was paying when she saw her out of the corner in of her eye. Her mind registered who the person was but not soon enough for her to make a quick get away._

_ Grace was stepping away from the express lane; a small bag of groceries was in one hand. She was digging for her car keys when she did a double take…about the same time Lisbon saw her. "Grace," Lisbon said completely shocked, unable to figure out what to do._

_ "Lisbon!" Grace exclaimed, she had a big relieved smile on her face. "Oh it's so good to see…" but her voice faltered when she got a good long look at her, or more specifically her pregnant belly. "Oh my God!" Lisbon sagged in defeat; there was no hiding it now. "You're…you're…"_

_ "Yes," she said while the nice clerk loaded her bags into her cart, "I am."_

_ "Is it…?"_

_ Now Lisbon scowled. "Yes, when Jane ruins my life he does it thoroughly."_

_ Now Grace's expression changed from shock to sadness. "Jane didn't ruin your life, it wasn't his fault what Red John did."_

_ "No," Lisbon agreed, "it's not _his_ fault." She didn't need to add the silent truth, that it was hers. Lisbon grabbed her full cart and steered it towards the exit. "It's nice seeing you, Grace."_

_ That shook the young agent out of her stupor. "Wait!" She rushed after her. "Let me help you."_

_ "I'm fine."_

_ "You're pregnant," Grace reminded her, "you shouldn't be doing this yourself."_

_ "I said I'm fine."_

_ But Grace didn't budge; instead she followed her out to her car. Lisbon gritted her teeth as the woman insisted on piling in the groceries, only letting her lift the light ones that contained bread or eggs. Grace didn't say anything for a while but then she softly asked. "Do your brothers know?"_

_ Lisbon nodded. "They know."_

_ "Maybe they could come down and see you."_

_ Lisbon placed a bag of bananas off to the side of the back seat. "They offered," she explained not looking the other woman in the eye, "but I told them not to."_

_ Grace didn't look happy by that statement and Lisbon knew that she really had another question in mind. It took her a moment to finally ask. "Does Jane know?"_

_ Lisbon paused and pursed her lips. "No."_

_ Now Grace looked upset. "Lisbon, you have to tell him."_

_ "No I don't."_

_ "It's his child!"_

_ "First of all," Lisbon began sternly, "I don't know where he is so even if I wanted to tell him, I couldn't. Second, Jane doesn't want to be a father again, and even if he does…you and I both know that he _can't_ do it."_

_ Grace didn't accept that answer. "But it's _his_ child."_

_ "I know it's his!" Lisbon shouted. "I know that it's _his_ baby. You think I've forgotten that fact? No, I haven't! I also haven't forgotten that my brother is dead. Or that Jane seduced me to get Red John angry and I was stupid enough to fall for it…and apparently fertile enough to get pregnant! I know it's _his_ baby, I'm living with it every single day!"_

_ The other woman was quiet for a very long time, she was looking down at the ground so Lisbon didn't know if she was ashamed at what she'd said or simply too afraid to talk. But then she looked up with a very sad look on her face. "It's your baby too."_

_ Lisbon didn't say anything, she was a bit stunned now herself._

_ Grace smiled sweetly at her. "I'll call you later, Lisbon."_

_ She didn't acknowledge that or bid her friend goodbye, it wasn't entirely lost on her that Grace meant to see her again. She had no doubt that she would be seeing a lot more of the redheaded agent from now on._

_ But she got into the car and she kept thinking of what she'd said._

_ It was _her_ baby too._

_ Before she could start the engine she felt the child within her give a fierce kick. Lisbon put a hand over the spot and felt the baby kick again against her fingers. _

_ His baby. Her baby. Their baby. She didn't know…but she cared. She cared about it. That was a start at least._

* * *

__A/N: Whoo so glad this chapter is FINALLY posted. LOL so she didn't have an abortion but where is the baby? What did she do? You'll have to read on to find out as the next chapter will finally reveal what happened with the baby Lisbon doesn't have anymore.


	6. The One I Failed Most

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Whoo this chapter took a bit of work coming together but I'm so excited about how it turned out. Yeesh I can't wait to see your reactions to this chapter so I'm not going to make you wait anymore. Enjoy!

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: This is a biiiig chapter and soon we'll be getting to my contributions of the story. I'm so excited for this chapter. I can't wait for you all to read it.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** Awww thanks! Well here's your update!

**Anonymous:** I love your enthusiasm. Yes I do have my hands full but I found some time for this little fic.

**Anonymous:** Lisbon has problems with being with other men, as you can tell and some big things are coming up that will make sex the last thing on her mind. But you will see Lisbon needing Jane's help soon, I promise.

**Anonymous:** Your wait is over, what happened to the baby is revealed in this chapter!

**Anonymous:** So glad you enjoyd it!

**Anonymous:** Close but not quite, if the baby was put up for legal adoption then she would be lost forever to both Jane and Lisbon. So glad you enjoyed this fic and the nice long review. Thanks!

**Anonymous:** Thanks so much! So glad you love this fic!

**Anonymous:** Here it is!

**Anonymous:** No worries, I know how iPhone's go. I hope you find the rest of this story as compelling as the last chapter.

**wickyvicky: **Jane and Lisbon each have some share of the blame for what has happened but the future hold infinite possibilities for them.

**Jen:** Awww so glad you liked it, guess you'll find out this chapter...

* * *

Chapter 6: The One I Failed Most

Lisbon was avoiding temptation to go out and get drunk again. She didn't know why she was so against her normal way of cutting through the pain. Maybe it was because of Jane catching her in that bar and pointing out that she was far from the woman she used to be. He'd even called her pathetic…and she couldn't refute that.

Instead she found herself walking. She did that some nights in New York, it was big busy city that never went to sleep and she could always find some place to just walk and lose herself in the confusion. Sacramento wasn't quite as busy or as loud and instead of being lost in the crowd she was finding herself lost in her head.

Things were becoming too hard for her to bear, this was a mistake, coming back here had only forced her to face her memories which was something she had avoided for years. Seeing the clinic had been terrible, a stark reminder of what she had almost done. The sad part was that it might have been better if she'd gone through with it…maybe. God she hated that thought, but Lisbon knew that she and Jane did not deserve to have a baby.

So why the hell had she had it?

There were a lot of answers to that question and they were all right and wrong. She hadn't wanted to kill someone else, hadn't wanted to disappoint the two remaining brothers she had left…didn't want to give up the idea that maybe having this baby would redeem her sins.

It hadn't worked. Instead she'd committed one that was even worse.

But she'd had that baby, that was something at least.

Lisbon took another street, the busy city lights started to fade and more trees appeared. Maybe she was heading to a suburb, she didn't care. If she got lost then she'd take a cab back to the hotel. It wouldn't be the first time she'd done this, walking to exhaustion helped her feel numb again.

Her mind drifted from the child she had created to the man she had created it with. If asked who was the worst person in the world she would admit that it was a toss up between her and Jane. Probably the only people who shouldn't have a child other than them were crack addicts. Not the greatest comparison but it worked. She didn't want their baby to be mired up in there sins. It was an innocent and shouldn't have those troubles.

Then again, Jane didn't seem to be having any problems anymore. That left a bad taste in her mouth, Patrick Jane moving on with his life while she had remained in a fog of pain and alcohol. She'd tried not to think of him for the past five years, sometimes she failed, but she'd never imagined him actually finding happiness with someone else. He'd spent so much time reveling in his misery, why would life after Red John be any different?

It only served to prove that she really had been nothing to him but a way to get his man. He'd moved on with his life without a single thought about her. Lisbon wondered how he would feel if he knew that he had a living child out there somewhere in this world but she dismissed it, probably would only see it as a unnecessary by product of his plans.

That was what she told herself throughout her pregnancy, he didn't deserve to be a father again.

A voice in her head nagged at her, reminding her that if Jane truly never cared for her why was he so determined to fix her now?

_ "Let me save you."_ He'd begged her, nothing but earnestness in his eyes.

It didn't make any sense. He had a girlfriend, why was he ditching her to try and save the woman he destroyed?

The more he pushed the more afraid she was that he would find everything out. She didn't want him to know about the baby. Maybe she could take his indifference but hatred was something she couldn't live with. He wouldn't know. Couldn't know.

Grace had promised her.

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_ Lisbon knew that when Grace found out she was pregnant that her little time of isolation would come to a rapid end. She hadn't been entirely prepared for the onslaught that followed. She knew Grace would tell Rigsby and Cho, she hadn't expected all three of them to take it upon themselves to watch out for their pregnant former boss._

_ One of them came over at least once a day. Sometimes Cho would come by and drop off some food, maybe say a few words or offer her a book. Rigsby would stay longer, oftentimes to talk about his own son and offer little parental tips that she hadn't asked for. Grace was the one who stayed the most, if it was the weekend Lisbon could expect her to stay all day, chattering away, making up some kind of healthy meal she'd researched was good for the baby or gushing over the newest item she'd bought for her child._

_ She hadn't prepared at all for the baby; she would have been content to simply ignore it until it finally came out. But that was impossible now, her old team was constantly bringing things over and apparently they had contacted her brothers too. Now her new apartment was bursting with baby stuff, she had a crib, changing table, mountains of toys and even more clothes. Everything was gender neutral though; she still didn't know if she was having a boy or a girl._

_ Her doctor was pleased with the change of pace. Now that her old team was force feeding her meals she had gained more weight. Her pregnancy was progressing smoothly; in fact she could deliver any day now. Not that she cared; she was simply going about as if nothing new would happen._

_ "What about Jessica?" Grace offered, she flipped through the book of baby names she'd brought with her along with some pasta she'd picked up at an Italian restaurant. "Jessica is a nice name."_

_ Lisbon didn't say anything; instead she acted like she was actually paying attention to what was on television. It was one of those dumb daytime shows where the host was interviewing some B-list celebrity about her sex life._

_ "If not Jessica then there is Alexandra, Alexandra Lisbon…that's a pretty name," Grace pointed out._

_ Lisbon still didn't say anything, just kept her eyes pointed straight ahead._

_ "But you might be having a boy," Grace continued, "I always liked the name Daniel for a boy." Out of the corner of her eyes she could see Grace's expression soften. "Or you could name him William."_

_ Now she turned to look at Grace with dead eyes. She was startled to hear her brother's name, after she'd spent so many months trying to hide away from his memory. Memorialize her brother by naming her child after him?_

_ She shook her head gently. "No." She couldn't do that, it was bad enough that she was having this baby, naming it after Will would only make it clear that she had traded one life for another._

_ "Lisbon, you really should be thinking about names."_

_ She ignored her. Instead she rocked back a few times until she gained enough momentum to propel herself off the couch. This pregnancy was really more inconvenient then anything, she couldn't even stand up without some difficulty. She was ready for it to be over, not that she had any idea what she would do with a baby, she still couldn't picture actually having a baby. The only thing she saw nowadays was the same old thing, her life left to nothing but emptiness and nightmares._

_ When she stood up she felt the sharp ache in her back, it was always there it seemed like, along with her swelling feet and inability to hold a thimble of water in her bladder. She just ignored it just like she was ignoring everything that had to do with this pregnancy. She walked over and reached in the cabinet to get a glass and filled it partly with tap water._

_ "Why don't you want to talk about names?"_

_ Lisbon didn't say anything; she just took a sip of water._

_ "You can't do this, Lisbon," Grace says now she was urgent and firm. "You are having a baby, you have to care about this."_

_ Lisbon turned around to glare at the woman. "You don't think I know that? You don't think I _want_ to care? I'd _love_ to feel _something_, anything but pain…but I can't! I want to care about this baby but it's like…it's like I'm completely dead, devoid of any emotion." She set the glass down on the countertop with a resounding 'thunk' and shook her head, "I don't even know why I'm having this baby."_

_ Grace was very quiet for a long time, out of the corner of her eye she saw that the younger woman first seemed to have been staring at her with a look of shock…and horror. That last bit wasn't a surprise; it was a horrible thing to say._

_ Then there was a bit of hesitation, as if she was afraid. "I think you should tell Jane."_

_ Lisbon whirled around to gape at her. "Absolutely not."_

_ "Lisbon…"_

_ "No," she told her firmly, "not a chance."_

_ "Someone needs to care for this baby," Grace reminded her, "and if you don't think you can…"_

_ "You think he will?" Lisbon asked mockingly. "He seduced me simply to catch a killer, I meant as much to him as that crazy follower he slept with too. And you think _he_ should know? That he _deserves_ to know about this baby?" Angry tears threatened to spill out down her cheeks, "I may be a horrible person but at least I know I am not as bad as him…at least not yet."_

_ Grace shook her head. "Jane isn't that bad."_

_ "You can say that," Lisbon replied, gritting her teeth at the anger and the pain in her back, "he didn't ruin your life."_

_ "You are having _his_ baby!" Grace said, her voice rising and insistent, "that is _his_ child. I think he would agree that he has a right to know about this."_

_ Lisbon wasn't saying anything; she was barely listening anymore because she felt something new. A cramping from her belly that spread through her body and a rush of wetness, like pressure being released. She gasped and looked down to see water running down her leg and forming a puddle on the floor._

_ Now Grace noticed that she was looking afraid. "What's wrong?"_

_ She looked up and met the other woman's eyes. "My water broke."_

_ Grace's eyes widened and she saw her skin pale by a few shades. "Oh my God." In a moment the woman turned into full crisis mode. "All right, we need to get to the hospital. You're bag! Where's the bag I packed for you?"_

_ "Where you left it," Lisbon told her, she felt a low ache in her back, which spread outwards. The contractions weren't so bad, the pain was manageable if not for the blinding pain in her spine._

_ She hadn't touched the bag, just like she'd ignored everything else. But she couldn't ignore this, she couldn't ignore that within a few hours she would be responsible for bringing a new little life into the world._

_ Grace ran around getting everything ready before rushing over to her friend. "Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital."_

_ But Lisbon reached out and grabbed her arm in a very firm grip. "No, not yet."_

_ Grace looked astonished. "You are about to have a baby, you can't wait."_

_ "Not until you promise me," Lisbon gritted her teeth through the pain. "Promise me that you will not tell him about the baby, even if something happens."_

_ "Lisbon…"_

_ "Promise me!"_

_ Grace stood there with the duffel bag over her shoulder, her phone and car keys in one hand and a look of utter sadness on her face. She didn't want to do this and Lisbon knew it was a lot to ask of the woman who had taken it upon herself to care for her even when she never asked her to._

_ She had no idea how grateful she really was to her._

_ But she had to ask her for this._

_ "Promise me," she repeated again._

_ Grace blinked up at her with her large sad brown eyes and then very reluctantly nodded her head. "I promise," she whispered._

_ Only then did Lisbon relax her grip. "Okay, okay. We can go now."_

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Grace wouldn't break her promise, she couldn't have. If she had then Jane wouldn't be trying so hard to save her. He wasn't known for forgiveness, how could he forgive what she had done with that baby? He couldn't. He would never be able to overlook her own actions and him missing out on its life.

He wouldn't buy her excuse that they didn't deserve to be parents either.

Lisbon was staring at the sidewalk, not even seeing where she was going anymore. She was getting tired; maybe she should try to call a cab now? But she made the mistake of looking up.

The bright sight of _Sacramento General Hospital_ was right in front of her, she could eve see the emergency room doors opening as someone was wheeled out.

How the hell had she gotten here? Oh God, oh God, oh God.

All Lisbon could do was stand there and stare at the hospital…but seeing the best and worst memory she ever had instead.

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_ She had no reason to doubt that this wouldn't be problematic; women had babies every day, why should she be any different. But it didn't take long for Lisbon to realize that she was woefully unprepared when they began throwing around words such as "back labor" and "posterior birth". _

_ Eventually she began to understand what was wrong. Her baby was in the wrong position with it's face facing up instead of down. That was why her back was so painful and why the labor was progressing slowly. "Everything will be fine, dear," the nurse told her sweetly, "we'll monitor you but the best thing for you to do right now is to try and get some rest."_

_ Was she serious? She was supposed to _sleep_ when it felt like a thousand knives were stabbing her at once?_

_ She did try. Eventually she dozed for an hour to wake up to Grace quietly talking on the phone. At first she thought that she was talking to Cho or Rigsby until she saw both men hanging out in the doorway. That left James or Tommy, so they were in contact with her brothers after all._

_ The pain was unbearable. Sitting up helped a little, getting the pressure off of her back but not even the epidural was giving her much relief. It was fitting she supposed that she was going to suffer like this._

_ Fifteen hours in and she swore she was going to die._

_ "Your baby is still in the posterior position, it's going to make things a bit more difficult."_

_ "Damn you!"_

_ That was one of the nicer exchanges Lisbon had with the nurses and doctors assigned to her. As for what she had to say about the man who was responsible for this baby, every word she said was unrepeatable._

_ "Just breathe," one of the nurses kept saying, "long even breaths. Like they teach in Lamaze."_

_ "I didn't take Lamaze!" Lisbon gritted out._

_ The doctor gave the nurse a quick nod. "She's ten centimeters, it's time to start pushing."_

_ Lisbon widened her eyes and shook her head. "No, no I don't think I can."_

_ "I don't think you have a choice." Grace replied._

_ If she wasn't completely incapacitated, Lisbon might have gone after her for that. But then another wave of white-hot pain cascaded around her and she was crying once again. "Oh God, oh God, oh God."_

_ "You need to push, Teresa."_

_ She felt it, an intense pressure to just do something. Pushing made it worse, everything was awful and the pain was unbearable. "Scream," Grace whispered to her, "that's what Jane would tell you to do."_

_ "I don't care what he would say!" she shouted back._

_ Everything was going slowly. She would push and then pant for a few seconds only to push once more. It was all a blur, a painful and surreal blur. She vaguely realized she was shouting and swearing but that didn't seem to faze them in the least. "Just get it out," she repeated, "get it out."_

_ "Push, Teresa."_

_ She did, she pushed and this time a scream escaped her lips. A scream that was stopped short when she heard something else…a tiny cry._

_ There were cheers and Grace hugged her but Lisbon wasn't paying attention, she couldn't stop staring at the wet dark-haired baby the doctor was holding up for her to see._

_ "It's a girl."_

_ A girl. She had a daughter. All of this time there had been a tiny girl growing inside of her. She'd given Jane a second daughter._

_ Lisbon didn't know what she was feeling. She should be relieved, it was all finally over. The pain, the pregnancy, everything was over. She knew she was exhausted but most of all she felt an overwhelming desire to see that baby again._

_ After a few moments the doctors carried over the tiny bundle swaddled in a little blanket. The baby was whimpering now, she'd stopped crying since she was warm again. Lisbon barely noticed her arms moving to accept the child, at this point she wasn't even aware that she was breathing._

_ Then she was staring at her, this tiny baby in her arms._

_ She had a head of thick dark hair, a tiny button of a nose and perfect rosebud lips. _"Mine."_ Lisbon thought, _"That's my hair, my nose."_ She played with the baby's tiny fingers that were so long. _"His fingers but my ears."

_ "She's beautiful," Grace whispered softly._

_ Lisbon nodded her head numbly. She kept hearing a sniffling noise but she didn't realize she was crying until she saw the tears falling and dotting the baby's blanket. Beautiful, her daughter was beautiful. A tiny helpless creature that was absolutely breathtaking._

_ And she felt something._

_ For the first time in eight months Lisbon felt a real emotion. She didn't know what it was, maybe it was love for this baby or maybe not but it was something. It was something._

_ Maybe she could do this._

_ "She's beautiful," Lisbon whispered herself now, gently tracing one soft cheek with her fingertip. "I never thought she would be this beautiful." She couldn't tear her eyes away, even as tears trailed down her cheeks she didn't even want to blink at the moment._

_ The doctor she had cursed at repeatedly was smiling now. "Does she have a name?"_

_ Lisbon hadn't ever thought of names. She recalled her conversation with Grace earlier. Jessica, Alexandra…so many different names but she had never given a second thought for any of them._

_ Looking at this little life in her arms, stirring up something in her heart that had been dead for so many months. All other names seemed meaningless. There was only one word that fit._

_ "Hope," Lisbon said, still staring at her child, "my daughter's name is Hope."_

_ Hope let out a small whimper while Lisbon bent down to kiss the top of her head. She meant it. She had hope. Hope that her daughter would be able to heal her broken life._

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Hope.

That was her daughter's name.

Lisbon had done everything she could for the past five years to forget that she'd had a baby girl, that she'd held that baby in her arms. She'd taken her with her from the hospital, had rocked her to sleep and changed her diapers.

She'd done all of that…but that hadn't been enough to save her.

She sat down on the bench that was a couple feet away, still looking at the hospital but now her eyes were blurring the image with tears.

Her beautiful little baby with tufts of dark hair and soft little rosebud lips. The baby that used to scream like a banshee when she was hungry and make cooing noises in her sleep. She'd never been quiet, always making some noise no matter what she did.

And she'd been beautiful, so beautiful.

Lisbon buried her face in her hands and began to cry. Crying for that little baby she'd loved, loved so much that she'd done something horrible. Will had lost his life because of her but what she had done to Hope had been worse.

She'd been the one she'd failed most.

* * *

The three chess pieces lined up on his desk and Jane stared at them carefully. Two pawns and a rook. If he had kept putting pawns at the scene then Jane would have known it was simply a part of the signature, but putting the rook at Deborah Channing's meant that there was a more significant reason they were there. It was a message of some kind and Jane was determined to find out what he it meant.

The rest of the team was running down the long list of children that Deborah had represented and had been fostered at the Pearce family home. They were doing this the hard way, eliminated all that couldn't have been in California to commit the murders. Several were in prison, while not necessarily a good thing, it did eliminate them from the suspect list.

Lisbon had come in early that morning and was helping with the elimination process as much as she could, even calling her client to ask him if he could contribute any names. He hadn't been able to offer much so was essentially useless. She hadn't liked it when Jane made that comment out loud.

She hadn't looked like she'd had a good night either, not that that was unusual but she didn't seem hungover, at least not from alcohol. Perhaps she'd imbibed in one too many painful memories and that was something he could relate to. Even now he still spent many nights indulging in his own bad memories, though he had a feeling he wasn't quite as masochistic as Lisbon was anymore.

Then again he had a lovely girl at home to keep him company.

"Yes!" Grace exclaimed, breaking the monotony of the day. All eyes turned to the redhead who was grinning now as she finished hanging up her phone. "I contacted one of the kids. Kendra Taylor, she's willing to talk to us about the Pearce's and the other kids that were fostered there. She says that she remembers Claire."

"Where does she live?" Cho asked.

"In Woodland," Grace explained.

"Good, we'll go talk to her and see if she can help us figure out who this guy might be."

Rigsby was the one who went with Jane and Lisbon to go and talk to Kendra Taylor. The car ride was quiet, no surprises there. Lisbon wasn't talkative and Rigsby didn't know how to talk to her anymore, Jane wouldn't have minded except he knew the subjects he needed to talk to Lisbon about were not something that should be said in front of others.

Besides, Rigsby might accidently tell Lisbon something she shouldn't know yet.

Kendra Taylor was now a mother of two in a small home in Woodland. Her two small children were upstairs but the evidence of them was all over the house. Lisbon did not look comfortable in the least being there, then again, she didn't look comfortable in her own skin anymore.

"I'm sorry about what happened to Deborah, I haven't spoken to her in years but of course I remember her," Kendra said gently. She'd been courteous, letting them sit in her slightly rundown living room and offering them beverages. Rigsby and Lisbon declined coffee but Jane never turned down a cup of tea.

"And do you remember the other children she represented?" Lisbon asked.

"There were so many," Kendra admitted, "and I wasn't with the Pearce family for very long."

"But you do remember Claire," Jane pointed out.

She nodded. "We were the only two girls there at the time, we really only had each other. We tried to stay in contact after I was relocated to another family but…it isn't easy sometimes." She slumped a little in her chair. "I just can't believe someone would kill her like that."

Lisbon pressed her lips into a line, so there was still some compassion in her even if she didn't believe it. "We need to know if you remember Todd Johnson?"

"Todd?"

"Yes."

Karen furrowed her brow. "He was a quiet kid, didn't really talk to anyone at the house."

"Claire's brother said that Todd had a friend in the neighborhood. Do you remember him?"

She thought about it for a while, staring up at the ceiling as if flipping through the faces in her mind. "Oh God…his name…I remember he lived a few houses down and was very…strange."

"Strange?" Jane asked, perking up then, "how?"

"Just creepy I guess, quiet but not in a good way. His father was an alcoholic and I think one of the other neighbors accused him of killing her cat. God what was his name?" She thought aloud, "something…Jessup…Michael! That was it. Michael Jessup."

Now they all got a little excited, that was the first real concrete lead they'd had in a while. It was Rigsby who gave her a big smile. "Thank you, you might have blown this case wide open."

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Grace was already running a background check on Michael Jessup before they made it back to Sacramento. When they all came back into the bullpen she had as much as she could find on him and it wasn't a very happy life.

His mother had run off when he was young, never seen or heard from by him again. His father had been an abusive alcoholic, in and out of prison quite a bit. Michael clearly had taken after his father, he had a juvenile record that was sealed and had been arrested for assault when he was nineteen. After that he dropped off the radar entirely.

"Certainly fits the profile," Cho remarked.

Jane nodded. "His background would make him an easy target for Red John, he needed a family and a father figure, Red John certainly would have known that and used it against him. Just like Todd Johnson."

Lisbon was staring at the file on Michael, particularly on the part over Michael's father. She glared at the words with something very close to real anger and pain. "This is why some people shouldn't have kids."

Jane raised an eyebrow at that statement. "Not something you can really control."

"No but he must have known, must have had a feeling that he couldn't do it. That he couldn't be the kind of father this child needed, that he would only hurt him in the end." Lisbon said, "his mom left, maybe that's why."

"Maybe she was just selfish and didn't want the burden."

Lisbon looked him in the eye. "Or she realized that her kid deserved better than two terrible people as parents and knew the best thing for him was to run as far away as she could."

He studied her for a minute and smiled softly. "An interesting theory, care to explain why you feel this way?"

Now she looked frightened and looked away. "No, Jane. I don't."

* * *

Lisbon was spending the evening at the bar again but this time she wasn't going to even attempt having sex. She wasn't even really drinking that much since she was still nursing the same scotch she'd ordered once she'd walked in. Any time a man came over to try and flirt she shot him down immediately and soon enough they all got the message and left her alone.

She just toyed with the class in front of her, running her fingertip over the rim, unable to shut her mind down at all.

Michael Jessup was a product of his parents, she knew that all too well. She knew better than most what that kid had gone through, the loss of his mother and then his father being abusive. Lisbon remembered reading about how child abuse was a cycle, that children with abusive parents were thirty percent more likely to be abusive themselves. It was something that had terrified her then and always gnawed at the back of her mind when she saw these kids who grew up in similar homes as her…and created homes just like it. Most cops have a brutal streak; perhaps she simply used her violent tendencies in her job.

It was something that had haunted her the moment she'd found out she was pregnant. What if she became her dad? What if she couldn't handle it? She'd already failed her brothers, already killed Will. What about Hope?

What if she failed Hope too?

And in the end she had.

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_ The days following Hope's birth were the best days of Lisbon's life. She couldn't stop staring at her tiny little baby in wonder, how could two people so horrible creating something so beautiful? She regretted all of the terrible things she'd thought, the original plan to abort this child and her cruel words about her. _

_ For the first week of Hope's life Lisbon did everything she could to be the perfect mother. She took her daughter home and showered her with as much love as she could. She didn't miss the smiles from the members of her former team who all came by at one time or another to check on the baby and new mother. They all were relieved with the knowledge that this baby had saved her from the crushing depression she'd faced._

_ That was what they all thought in those blissful early days._

_ It came back slowly, trickling like water through her fingers._

_ The first week she started off with a real gusto, the strong desire to be the best at this she could, like she had something to prove. At first things were all right but it was inevitable that she would make a mistake…or two or ten._

_ By the second week she was not quite as cheerful as she wanted pretend to be. Instead she was running around with her new daughter and constantly muttering, "I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." Unfortunately she wasn't quite as sure._

_ Things really started to fall apart at the beginning of the third week. Lisbon would start to cry at every little fault, sometimes even when Hope started to cry as well. This was when she stopped thinking she could actually be a good mother and focused on how much she was failing instead._

_ In the fourth week her tears were dried up and instead she was numb again, sitting on the couch extending as little effort as possible. Hope was crying again, it seemed like she never stopped. She wasn't hungry or wet or sleepy, all she did was lie on her back and wail her little lungs out. God all Lisbon wanted was quiet; to be left alone but Hope didn't seem to understand that. _

_ How could she ever have thought that she could do this? This was a mistake; she never should have even had this baby. What right did she have to even try? Oh God couldn't she just be quiet for once? All she did was cry! Cry! Cry! Cry!_

_ "Shut up!" she shouted, jumping to her feet to glare at the baby in her little bassinet. "Just shut the hell up for five damn minutes! Shut up!"_

_ But the baby didn't stop crying, just wailed harder. So Lisbon reached into the bassinet and picked her up before shaking her. She shook her again and again and again until finally…the crying stopped._

_ Lisbon blinked, startled by the silence until she heard a cough and then the crying started again._

_ It took her a moment to realize that Hope was still in her bassinet and crying. She hadn't reached into the basket and shaken her child to death. That part had been a fantasy…except for the screaming._

_ She stared at her baby. The baby that had done nothing wrong except be a baby and seek comfort from the arms of her mother._

_ It wasn't her fault that her mother was a monster._

_ Lisbon ran away from her child, shutting herself up in the bathroom and sinking down to the floor as if the door would protect her child from her presence. That was what she was supposed to do. A mother needed to protect her children._

_ Even from herself._

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"You have a problem?" the bartender's question temporarily pulled Lisbon from her terrible thoughts.

"What?"

"You've been staring at your glass for half an hour without taking a sip," he pointed out, filling a pitcher of beer before setting it on a tray for the waiting server. "That's a sign that something is wrong with you?"

Lisbon couldn't help but smile bitterly. "There's nothing right with me." The man wasn't Jack the bartender who knew that she had men problems and kid problems even though she denied them…but he would do in a pinch. "What is the worst thing you've ever done?"

The bartender set both of his hands on the bar and thought about it for a moment. "Honestly…getting drunk and cheating on my girl."

She raised an eyebrow, not really expecting something so truthful. Still she shook her head. "It's not as bad as what I did." Lisbon took a pull from her glass, unable to shake this feeling of real pain.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure you can fix it."

"Did you fix it with your girl?" Well he flinched there but then he shook his head. She met his eyes slowly. "Do you regret it?"

"Every day."

She nodded. "Me too."

The bartender leaned against the counter to look at her. "Is it really over or is whoever it is…out of your life for good?"

Lisbon toyed with the rim of her glass and shrugged. "I don't know."

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_ Lisbon knew that what she was about to do was probably the worst thing anyone could ever comprehend. But she also knew that if she didn't do this than something terrible would probably happen, maybe she could deal with that if it was just about her but she no longer had the luxury to just think about herself anymore._

_ Her daughter was tucked away in the car seat, sleeping peacefully. She always fell asleep in the car, barely a month old sometimes it seemed like she would never go to sleep but five minutes in a vehicle and she would be out like a light. Lisbon knew that about her. Her daughter would sleep in the car, hated things to be too quiet and had a small birthmark on the underside of her left arm._

_ But that wasn't enough._

_ She pulled the car into the parking lot and pulled up to an empty space close to her destination. Lisbon pulled out the diaper bag, a small duffel bag and the car seat with her sleeping daughter inside. She had to walk up one flight of stairs to get to the apartment and then knock twice before waiting._

_ Grace answered the door immediately and was clearly surprised to see Lisbon there. "Boss…?" That title made Lisbon wince…mostly because it hadn't been true for months. "What are you doing here?"_

_ Lisbon set the car seat down and picked up the still sleeping baby, holding her close to her chest, even as Grace still looked at her with curiosity. "I…I…" Oh God how could she start this? "I didn't want to be a mother…, at least not when I was younger. I raised my brothers and I just…I didn't want to be one of those women who had three kids, two dogs and nothing to do with her life."_

_ She looked down at the baby in her arms. "But when I got older and it seemed like the opportunity had passed…I wanted it. I wanted it so badly but it never seemed possible. I thought I had made a mistake, that it had passed me by forever. So of course when it finally comes it happens now."_

_ Grace looked a little afraid now. "Lisbon…are you okay?"_

_ Tears were spilling down her cheeks and it was hard not to just openly cry. She couldn't speak because of the lump in her throat instead she shook her head and then held out the baby for Grace to take. Van Pelt accepted the child, holding her up against her chest and gently whispering sweet words to keep the baby sleeping._

_ Lisbon looked at the two of them, the younger agent sweetly holding the baby and being everything she couldn't be now. This was better; this was how it should be now. "I don't know why I did this," Lisbon whispered, "I should have known. I failed William…I failed them all…"_

_ "No…no boss that isn't true," Grace said, shaking her head emphatically_

_ But Lisbon continued, "If I fail her…I can't, I can't do that. I can't let her get killed too." She met Grace's eyes with solemnity. "I can't do this, Grace. I just can't."_

_ "Boss…"_

_ Lisbon wiped her eyes and became all business. "I know that you have your own life and so this is just temporary. You can set things up, contact Tommy or James…or maybe another family, one that will be better for her."_

_ "No, you can't do this!" Grace exclaimed. The baby was jostled and whimpered a little, but didn't wake up completely. "You can't just walk away from your daughter."_

_ "I have to," Lisbon explained, "I had no right to be a mother in the first place…not after what I did."_

_ "That's crazy."_

_ Lisbon smiled bitterly. "Maybe I'm crazy now too." She set the bags down on the ground by the door and sighed heavily. "Goodbye, Grace."_

_ And then she turned around and walked away._

_ "Boss!" Grace called out to her. "Boss! Teresa!"_

_ But she didn't stop, not even as she heard her baby start to whimper and cry. Not even when her own tears fell._

_ She sobbed as she drove away…drove away from her own child._

* * *

Grace and Rigsby had gotten used to marital bliss over the past two years, said bliss was interrupted by a loud banging on the front door of their house. Grace was the one who threw on a robe first and raced down the stairs, her husband was still trying to come out of his coma like sleep state before he could follow her.

Before she could even open the door she heard Lisbon's voice shouting from the other side. "Grace! Grace, please! Please let me in!"

The redhead didn't know what was going on but she quickly unlocked and opened the door only to have her former boss spill into the doorway. "Lisbon, what is going on?"

"Where is she? Is she here? Please tell me she is here! I left her with you!"

"Teresa, what are you talking about?"

"I know I messed up, I know I'm a terrible person and a horrible mother but…but I didn't…I couldn't…" she started to fall apart them, her whole body shaking with sobs. "Oh God, Hope. I'm sorry…I'm so sorry."

Lisbon sank down to the floor while she crooned and Grace knelt down to wrap her friend up in a hug. "Shhh," she whispered soothingly.

She held onto Grace, clutching her as if her friend could save her. "She…she isn't here is she?"

Grace was quiet for a moment and then shook her head. "No."

Lisbon hiccupped once and sniffled. "She isn't in Chicago either."

Her friend shook her head again. "No."

Lisbon began to cry again, harder as she recognized what had happened. "She…she's gone. She's really gone and I…I'm never going to see her again."

Grace studied her friend gently. "Why did you come here? Why did you want to see her?"

"I don't…" Lisbon began but stopped, she did know. "I…I wanted to tell her how sorry I am. She deserves so much better than me, then what I could have given her." Lisbon whimpered and shook her head, tears leaking from her eyes. "I wish I could have been her mother…I really, really wish I could have done it."

Lisbon buried her face in Grace's shoulders, her body shaking again with her tears. Grace heard her husband finally come padding into the room and she caught his eye, shaking her head to keep him from doing anything else.

Grace's own baby started kicking inside of her, catching Lisbon's attention. "Oh wow," Lisbon sniffled, putting a hand on her stomach. "It's kicking."

Her friend nodded. "It kicks a lot."

"Hope would too…all of the time," Lisbon said, her voice filled with wonder and sadness. "I loved when she kicked, it was the only time I felt like I could actually love something again."

Lisbon leaned down to press her ear against Grace's stomach, as if she could hear that baby talking. A part of her wanted to pretend that this was five years ago when she could remember the feel of _her_ baby kicking inside of her. The one time she ever felt any hope that she could get through all of this pain.

She'd been wrong though, so very wrong.

The two women remained on the floor with Lisbon finally calming somewhat even though tears still spilled down her cheeks. "Please, just tell me she is with someone who loves her."

Grace sighed and nodded her head. "She is. I promise you she is."

* * *

The following morning Jane walked into the CBI and saw right away that Rigsby was not happy at all. Grace was a little tired and ragged but her husband seemed more upset than she was. And it appeared like he was focusing on him.

"What have I done now?" Jane asked immediately.

"I thought you were trying to fix her," Rigsby pointed out.

He raised an eyebrow. "I take it something happened."

"She was banging on our door in the middle of the night."

"Wayne, it's all right," Grace piped in, her voice a little soft now, "She just needed help."

"It's not all right, you are pregnant, you shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stress."

"She's my friend," Grace reminded him, "she's my friend and right now she feels like I'm the only person who knows how she feels. I don't mind this…I _want_ to be there for her."

Jane gave her a warm smile. "Thank you, Grace." He looked at her seriously though. "What exactly happened last night?

Grace sighed and put a hand on her stomach, gently rubbing where her unborn child was kicking. "She was crying and upset."

"Was she drunk?"

"Not really, she seemed more emotional then anything, she said she wanted to say she was sorry…for everything." Grace explained, expanding on everything their friend had said. By the end of it Jane was calm and seemed almost happy with this turn of events.

"This is good," Jane declared, "very good."

None of them really knew what he meant by that.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon felt terrible about her mess of emotions the previous night, maybe she'd been more affected by the alcohol then she thought although she had a feeling she was more drunk on her own pain than anything. Like she did with a lot of the foolish things she'd done, Lisbon simply pretended it hadn't happened and went on with her job and her day.

She couldn't look at Grace in the eye though as they sorted through more lists. Finally those names were narrowed down to a few people who might know something about Michael Jessup. It was decided that Rigsby and Cho would go talk to Michael's parole officer while Jane and Lisbon went to speak to the man who helped front some of Michael's bail money.

She didn't try to focus on the fact that she was now enclosed her in rental car with Jane. For once he didn't insist on talking to her. That was fine, she had her own things to fret about.

Things like knowing for sure that her daughter was gone from her life forever. The truth was she'd spent most of her time over the past five years trying to avoid thinking about the baby she'd abandoned on Grace's doorstep. But she couldn't deny hoping that maybe Hope was waiting right where she'd left her, that maybe if by some miracle she managed to put her life back together that she could go back and try being a mother again.

Of course now that dream was dead too and if Lisbon had to admit it, she knew that this loss was the one that truly devastated her the most. It was true that whoever Hope was with was almost certainly a better life for her than the one Lisbon could have provided…but she was selfish, a part of her wanted her baby to herself. Just not now.

She pulled them into the rundown trailer home of Frank Linquist and they both got out of the car. Lisbon was the one who knocked on the filthy door and the whole trailer shook as they heard Frank come barreling to the door. "Yeah what do you want?"

"We're with the CBI," Lisbon explained, not telling him that neither of them were actually agents, "we need to talk to you about Michael Jessup."

Frank looked a little serious now…and sad. "What happened to Michael?"

"We were hoping you could tell us where he his."

"Lady, I haven't seen Michael in four years."

"But you were expecting someone to come on his behalf," Jane pointed out, "You weren't surprised we were here about him, no you just seemed resigned to it instead."

Frank gave Jane that strange look everyone gave Jane after he nearly read their mind. "Look, Micheal has always been in a lot of trouble. All I know is that he got mixed up with a group of other kids, sounded like some wacko cult to me or something."

"Can you tell us more about this cult?" Jane asked, both of them were tense as they came to the exact same conclusion.

He shrugged. "I didn't ask about it, I didn't want to get involved with any of that shit." Well she wouldn't say he was the sharpest tool in the shed but he knew what was good for him at the very least.

"What happened four years ago?"

Frank sighed. "Michael came by, said their leader was dead and the group was disbanding. I gave him some money and then he left. I haven't heard from him since."

"You gave him money?" Lisbon asked, a little surprised by that.

"How else was I going to get rid of him?"

"But you helped him before," Jane pointed out.

He sighed again. "Michael had a lot of bad breaks, he could have been a good kid if he'd been given half a chance. Don't know what he got messed up in but…but all I know is that there's no helping him now."

If their suspicions were correct then they knew for sure Frank was right.

They asked him a few more cursory questions but Frank could only give them an outdated list of locations that he knew Michael had stayed at once. They both doubted that this would get them anywhere but they had to try something. Now at least they were beginning to be certain that Michael Jessup was the man they were looking for.

"We have to find Michael," Lisbon declared when they get into the car, "he has to be our man."

"It's probably but not certain," Jane pointed out.

"He worked for Red John."

"Undoubtedly," he agreed, "but we've also learned that here were several followers of Red John that were left to their own devices once he died. Not all of them have decided to pick up their master's work."

"And only one of them has ties to all of the victims."

"The only one that we know of," Jane reminded her.

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Why are you so determined to prolong this case?"

"I'm not," Jane told her, "but I know you are eager to finish it so you can get away from me." She didn't argue with him, just faced ahead and continued to drive. He didn't say anything for a while until he broke their stalemate. "Why did you go to Grace's home last night?"

Oh shit.

Lisbon clutched the steering wheel tightly and refused to look at him. "I don't know. I was drunk."

"Grace said you weren't."

"Grace was wrong."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Why the hell do you care?" She replied, finally snapping her eyes away from the road for a minute. "I went there and then I left. That's it."

"Why won't you just tell me why?" Jane asked, studying her calmly.

"You don't need to know."

"Oh but I do," Jane told her, "I know you haven't been completely honest with me. Do you really think I wouldn't notice that you are avoiding something? That there is something you don't want me to know about?" Lisbon felt the blood draining from her face then as Jane continued, "Why don't you just skip the pretense and just tell me?"

Lisbon shook her head. "No."

"Revenge is petty, especially from you."

"Oh really, you want to talk to me about revenge? You're the one who always said there was nothing wrong with it," Lisbon reminded him bitterly.

"Then what is the revenge for? Red John killing your brother or for not sitting around waiting in the dark for you to come back?"

Now she did slam on the brakes and pulled to the side of the road so she could turn and glare at him. "Really? You're going to bring up your girlfriend now?"

"Is that jealousy?"

"No, this is me _mad!_"

Jane just shrugged. "If you aren't jealous then you shouldn't care."

"I don't."

"Then why are we stopped in the middle of the highway?"

Lisbon turned from him in a huff and started driving again. She didn't want to admit how much it stung to be reminded of Jane's girlfriend. Too many questions were plaguing her now. What did she look like? Was she pretty? Young? Smart? She didn't know.

"Is she pretty?" the question left Lisbon's mouth before she could will them back into her place. She winced but Jane didn't seem to mind.

"Beautiful," he replied, a soft smile on his lips. Was he smirking at her discomfort or happily thinking about the new love of his life?

"Who is she?"

"Why would that matter?"

Now Lisbon was stunned. He wasn't going to tell her? "Why won't you give me her name?"

"I don't think it really concerns you."

Her mind whirled with the possible reasons for Jane's coyness and she settled on something that left a bitter taste in her mouth. She had to actually know this woman. Damn him, Damn him to hell!

"I know her don't I?" Now Jane grinned and Lisbon felt like smacking him. "Who is she? Oh God, it's Erica Flynn isn't it? You somehow got her back to California."

Jane started laughing and shook his head. "No, that idea is ridiculous."

"Please, you slept with Red John's mistress, why not date a murderer?"

"I prefer pretty brunette former CBI agents who want to shoot me."

That shut Lisbon up, her cheeks flared and her heartbeat quickened at the dark sultry look in his eyes. "Why won't you just tell me who she is?"

Jane smiled and shook his head. "Find out yourself."

Lisbon sulked the rest of the way back to the CBI but no amount of prodding would get Jaen to spill his secrets. Instead he just smirked as if he knew something she didn't.

God she hated him.

* * *

Jane left the CBI early again with another cheeky grin and Lisbon knew immediately he was going home and back to his mysterious girlfriend. She was furious that he would play these games with her. More than that she felt a burning need to see this woman, just like she'd needed to know that Hope was lost to her forever she needed to know that Jane was as well.

So she checked the CBI directory and found Jane's current address on his file.

Lisbon checked three times to makes sure she had the right address. She couldn't believe that she was looking at a nice house with two stories and apparently a very spacious yard. Jane had always favored living in dingy hotels or his old home devoid of furniture and with blood on the walls. What was he doing living in a house?

Perhaps he'd finally decided to settle in Sacramento in the years following Red John's death. But that didn't quite settle with Lisbon, why not an apartment then? And what the hell would have given Jane any measure of peace even if his revenge had finally been found?

She was tired of playing a guessing game and she was tired of not knowing what was going on. Jane was keeping secrets, she knew it. Why else would he be leaving the CBI early every night and why else would the team keep looking at her with secrets behind their eyes? Lisbon knew that Jane wasn't going to just outright tell her, she was going to have to catch him off guard and look for clues herself.

The front door to the house was locked but four years as a private investigator and over a decade as a cop meant that Lisbon knew how to pick a lock. It took longer than Jane would have but Lisbon eventually heard the mechanism slide open.

She quietly entered the house and crept down the dark hallway. She heard Jane's muffled voice further down, who was he talking to? Lisbon thought about sneaking upstairs and searching for evidence but she wanted to see who Jane was with first.

Lisbon made her way towards what she assumed was a living room and peeked around the doorway. Jane was sitting on the floor, that was the first thing she noticed. Before she could even think about what else was going on she found herself looking into his eyes.

"Well," he said with a hint of amusement in his voice, "look who's here."

That was when a small face peeked around him and a cheerful voice exclaimed, "Mommy!"

* * *

A/N: And on that note, we will end this chapter hehehe.

next chapter you'll find out how Jane found out about Hope and more importantly, how Lisbon reacts to seeing her daughter again for the first time in years. Want the good news? I have about 80% of the next chapter already written!


	7. Hope

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Whoo It's finished! Man this chapter was LONG! But I'm so proud of it. I hope you guys all enjoy seeing Hope for the first time and Lisbon meeting her for the first time in several years. You'll get some answers and some beautiful moments. Enjoy!

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Hope is sooooo cute in this chapter. And I'm so glad we get to see Jane here with Hope. He's such a good daddy. This is one of my favorite chapters so far. I hope all of you like it too.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous: **It's true, it wasn't a good combination and Jane can understand that. It doesn't make what she did right but it does show how her mind went the way it did.

**Dutchie:** Awww thanks!

**Anonymous:** Thanks, of course we will continue!

**Anonymous:** Well it was faster than it was before? Right? LOL

**Anonymous:** Awww I didn't leave you waiting for long. Hope you enjoy this chapter too

**Ana:** Muchas gracias

**Marcia Santos:** Yes Jane had the baby the entire time hehehe, I think you'll enjoy seeing him as a father to Hope and you'll see how Jane got his daughter.

**Anonymous:** Took a little bit longer than I anticipated but not too long right?

**Anonymous: **Thanks! I'm so glad you are enjoying this!

* * *

Chapter 7: Hope

_Four Years Earlier_

_"I can't believe she did this," Rigsby said for the umpteenth time, "I just can't believe it."_

_ Grace sighed, "She's having problems, you know that, I know that, anyone with eyes knows that." Her voice was sharp as she tried to calm down the baby in her arms._

_ "But she just abandoned her child."_

_ "She didn't abandon her," Grace reasoned, "she left her with me."_

_ "Did she say she was going to come back?"_

_ She hesitated for a long moment. "No."_

_ "Then she abandoned her."_

_ "I didn't call you to argue with you about this," Grace shot back, "I called you because I don't know what the hell I'm doing! So please, be helpful now!"_

_ Rigsby sighed. "She's probably hungry."_

_ "I gave her a bottle two hours ago."_

_ "Well she's hungry again."_

_ Grace groaned and handed the baby over to her friend before heading towards the kitchen to mix up a fresh bottle for her new houseguest. "How much do I put in?"_

_ "One scoop every couple of ounces."_

_ She put the bottle under the warm water and filled it up to the marked line before carefully scooping in the appropriate amount of formula that Lisbon had thoughtfully placed in the diaper bag. Grace tried not to think of the irony of a woman carefully planning out the bag her friends would need once she left her child on her doorstep._

_ Grace carried the bottle back into the living room where Rigsby was gently trying to calm down the fussy infant. "Here, see if you can get her to eat."_

_ Rigsby didn't say anything but took the proffered bottle and teased the baby's lips with the nipple. Immediately she began to greedily suck down the formula and she calmed down instantly._

_ But they didn't have a lot of time to relax. The door to Grace's apartment opened and Cho walked in with his usual stoic expression. "Did you find her?" Grace asked immediately._

_ Cho shook his head. "She wasn't at her home…and her stuff is gone. It looks like she packed her bags and left."_

_ "Where?"_

_ "I don't know," Cho replied, "and I doubt she'd let us find her."_

_ Grace was quiet as she took in Cho's words…and the look on his face. "You don't think she's coming back."_

_ He was still for a moment before shaking his head. "No, I don't."_

_ The three of them were completely quiet as they digested this bit of news. Their mentor and friend had dumped everything on their lap…and left. The idea that she would just leave her infant daughter was completely ridiculous…and yet here she was._

_ "What do we do now?" Rigsby asked softly._

_ There was another long moment of silence before Cho finally spoke. "We find him."_

_ Grace and Rigsby turned to look at each other, exchanging looks of doubt. "You think we can?"_

_ "He isn't one to disappear quietly," Cho pointed out, "It'll be a hell of a lot easier to find him and bring him back then to get Lisbon right now. We can't arrest _her_."_

_ "And if he doesn't want her?"_

_ Grace was the one who said it now. "Then we contact her brothers and let them decide what to do. But Cho is right…we have to give him this chance. She's his child too."_

_ Cho nodded. "I'll put out an APB, he went to Vegas last time so we'll start there."_

_ "Okay," Grace agreed, gently reaching over to caress the top of the baby's downy head. "We can take care of her for now…they are our friends…we can do this much."_

_ All three of them nodded their heads but didn't try to hide the sadness that had overcome them all and the questions still remained._

_ What happens now?_

* * *

Lisbon froze like a block of ice the moment she saw that face, the second she heard that voice. She felt the blood draining from her face, heard her heart pounding in her chest and the air escaping from her lips in quick sharp gasps. But she couldn't tear her eyes away from the small child.

The little girl had stood up now so that she could get a better look at the visitor…and Lisbon got a better look at her. Her hair was dark brown and hung in soft curly waves down past her shoulders, she smiled brightly, showing rows of small white teeth. She was wearing cuffed blue jeans and a pink t-shirt with a cartoon cat on it, her feet were bare and there was a Band-Aid on her arm.

And Lisbon couldn't stop staring.

She felt light headed while a deep ache formed in her chest, her stomach twisting up into a large knot. Her knees shook so badly that she couldn't support herself any longer but instead sank down to the floor. Tears were falling from her eyes, spilling down her cheeks and her mouth was open in silent sobs but she couldn't make a sound.

"It's okay, mommy," the little girl said, her bare feet pattering on the floor as she walked over to her. She stopped and sat down next to her, gently reaching up to wipe her face, "It's all right."

Lisbon cried harder now as she got a much better look at the child. Blue-green eyes blinked back at her, the sweet little nose set over rose bud lips. _"Mine"_ she thought and she reached up to gently cup the little girl's cheek, _"Her nose is mine…her hair is mine. The eyes are his but the chin is mine."_

She remembered thinking the same thing when this child was placed in her arms. A tiny baby taking her first breaths of life and already she had been able to see the different pieces that had created her. Now she was here, grown up…so big and tall and breathtakingly beautiful.

It hurt her so much to see something so beautiful.

"Daddy, did Mommy hurt herself?" her daughter asked, looking towards the man in question.

Jane had stood up and now walked over towards his child. "No, baby, Mommy didn't hurt herself."

"Then why is she crying?"

He laughed softly and knelt down so he was next to her. He kissed the top of her head and pulled her up against him. "Because sometimes people cry when they are happy," he met Lisbon's eyes with a serious look, "when they see someone they love for the first time in a long, long time."

He grinned devilishly before scooping up the little girl in his arms and lifting her up in the air. She let out a shriek of laughter that dissolved into playful giggles. "Come on, Hope," he said, swinging her into his arms, "you still hungry?"

"Yes!" Hope declared, putting her arms around her father's neck.

"Then let's get something to eat."

"Mommy too?"

Jane smiled and kept one arm wrapped around the child, he offered the other hand to Lisbon to help her to her feet. "And Mommy too."

She stood up again but still felt very shaky standing on her own two feet. Jane just smiled before rushing over with Hope to the kitchen, Hope's squeals of delight filling the home. _"Hope"_, Lisbon thought as she slowly followed them, _"That was my choice. I named her. I did that…because she is mine."_

When she entered the kitchen she saw that Jane had set Hope down in a seat in the little breakfast area. "Come on, Mommy," Hope exclaimed and gestured to one of the empty seats. Lisbon was grateful for that idea, she didn't know how much longer she could remain standing at this rate.

She sat down and Hope beamed at her, as if nothing in this world could make her happier than to have her mommy sitting down at the table with her. It was strange, why was this child acting so friendly? It was as if Lisbon had been here every day of her life.

"I'm afraid she takes after me," Jane said, pulling Lisbon away from her thoughts. He was calmly cutting up an apple into small pieces. "She isn't the least bit shy, never meets a stranger." He looked over and winked, "And has no qualms with saying anything to anyone. Isn't that true, Hope?"

Hope smiled and ducked her head before nodding, a little embarrassed obviously. "Tell Mommy about what you said to that lady at the park last week," he urged gently. Hope giggled and shook her head, "Go on, don't pretend to be shy now, trouble maker."

She grinned and peeked up at Lisbon. "I wanted to know why she painted her face."

"Actually," Jane said as he rounded the counter with a small plate of apple slices, "she asked, 'Why do you paint your face like that? Are you a clown?' which is undoubtedly the last time that woman ever wears so much make up in public again." He chuckled and set the plate down in front of Hope, stealing a slice of apple for himself.

Lisbon wanted to smile at the story. She could see it, this precious little child running up and asking inappropriate questions before Jane could catch her. It was so familiar, so natural…it was perfect. But still all she could do was stare at this child in shock; still trying to process what was going on.

"Want some, Mommy?" Hope asked, holding out a small piece of apple.

Lisbon shook her head and finally said her first words to her daughter in four years, "No, no thank you."

Hope shrugged and stuck the piece of apple in her mouth, chewing thoughtfully as she still studied her mother. Jane grinned and leaned down next to his daughter, "You're happy Mommy is here aren't you?"

"Yes."

"I told you that you would be seeing her soon, didn't I?"

"Yes, Daddy," Hope said and she smiled at Lisbon, "Daddy said you would come."

"Actually I said that she would surprise us and break through the door," Jane explained with a grin, he winked at Lisbon playfully. "I do know you so well."

Lisbon blushed and looked down at the table, her fingers tracing the wood. Obviously Jane found that funny as well. "I told you Mommy was cute when she blushed." Hope giggled. "I could make Mommy blush all day," Jane declared playfully, "I bet I could make her stay that way. Wouldn't that be funny? Mommy with a face like a tomato?"

"Yes!" Hope said still giggling.

Jane leaned over and kissed her temple, noting the empty plate. "All done?" Hope nodded, "well then we'll go upstairs and get ready for bed soon. Did you want to watch something before going to sleep?" She nodded again, "Then we'll get ready."

Hope glanced over at Lisbon. "Is Mommy going to stay?"

Jane looked over at Lisbon with a serious look in his eyes. "Yes Mommy is going to stay, because after you go to sleep Mommy and Daddy are going to have a talk."

"A grown up talk?"

"Yes a grown up talk."

"But she'll stay until I go to sleep?"

He kept his eyes on Lisbon. "Yes she will." Lisbon got the distinct impression that this was not a request, that she was going to be forced to stay here if he had anything to say about it. But she had no plans of leaving yet, she wasn't even sure if she could get up out of this chair.

She remained sitting in the chair even as Jane lifted Hope back into his arms and carried her towards the stairs. Her room must have been upstairs. Hope waved at her mother before they disappeared from sight. She still didn't move but now took the time to let some more emotions out. Lisbon released one breath and then another, breathing deeply in and out while trying to keep herself calm.

Four years ago she had walked away from her child, she had left her at Grace's apartment and driven straight to the airport, never intending to see Hope again. But she was here, she was here with Jane. She hadn't meant for Jane to find out about their child, but he knew. Not only did he know but he'd been raising her by himself.

And she was beautiful.

She was healthy and strong and so very happy. Jane was happy too; this was a side of him she'd never seen, a side of him that was completely free from any pain and darkness. The freest she'd ever seen him before had been those few moments when they were lying in bed together, making love or immediately afterwards but even those times were tinged with the darkness that never left him.

Now it was gone, replaced with…hope.

She'd named her well Lisbon supposed.

A few minutes later there was sound of bare feet running down the stairs. Hope streaked down the hallway and back through the kitchen. Now her long hair was spilling down in a haphazard manner and she was wearing a pink nightgown with a picture of Belle from _Beauty and the Beast_. Jane followed her though not nearly as quickly.

Hope rushed over to her mother and grabbed her hand, tugging her out of her chair with as much strength as she could muster. "Come on Mommy, we're going to watch _Up_!"

"Okay," Lisbon said softly, finally getting out of the chair and letting Hope lead her into the living room.

It felt bizarre, like she was caught in some perfect TV commercial except this was real. She was sitting on the couch with Jane and their daughter was snuggled in between them. She kept her eyes on the TV screen but she wasn't actually watching it, she couldn't tell anyone anything about what was happening at all. All she could think of was "_My daughter is sitting beside me."_

About halfway through the movie Lisbon noticed that Hope was no longer wriggling around. She glanced over to see that she was curled up in a ball, sleeping contentedly with her head almost on her mother's lap. She looked up and met Jane's eyes, his lips twitched in a smile before he reached over to gently scoop her up in his arms. "I'll put her to bed," he told her quietly before padding away to do just that.

Once again she was left alone while Jane put their daughter down to sleep for the night. He said that they had to talk and she knew better than to try to escape. There were answers that she wanted too, even if she was having a hard time putting together a coherent thought at the moment. Every time she tried to think about something, anything, the same thought flashed through her mind. _"I'm with my daughter."_

A few moments later she heard Jane's heavy footsteps as he made his way back down the stairs and into the living room. While she was still reeling from the revelation of the last few hours she did notice that Jane's whole demeanor had changed. Where before he had been playful and charming now she saw anger and somberness in his gaze. He took a seat in a chair near the couch and simply looked at her, obviously he was waiting for her to speak.

What could she say? She didn't know what he wanted to know and she was having a hard time figuring out what she needed to know. In the end all she could do was start at the beginning. "I…I left her with Grace."

Jane nodded. "Yes you did."

She looked up and met his eyes. "I told her to give her away, to…to someone else."

"Yes and they did the right thing," Jane explained, his voice had a hard edge to it. "They found me."

She clasped her hands together like an errant child. "I…I'm glad you took her in."

There was a flash of anger in his eyes. "I didn't '_take her in_', this wasn't a charity case. I took responsibility for her because she is _my_ child." He pierced her with his gaze. "You abandoned her, you left her on a doorstep and ran."

The guilt Lisbon had been running from for four years welled up like blood from a wound, fresh pain tearing through her body. "I couldn't do it, Jane," she told him softly, "I couldn't do it."

"Then why have her in the first place?" He asked, "if you didn't want to be a mother—."

"I did," she cut in, "I did want to be a mother."

"Then you wouldn't have run away from her."

She looked down at the carpet. "I wanted to be a mother…but I couldn't. After everything that happened." Tears streamed down her cheeks once more. "Will died because _I_ failed him, because of what we did. I didn't know how I was going to live with that and then I found out I was pregnant and I just…" her voice caught in her throat as she remembered that day when those two pink lines appeared. "It felt like I sacrificed my brother for her and I couldn't live with that guilt. I tried…I didn't want more blood on my head so I kept her, carried her to term…and I tried to be a mother but I just couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything but pain and anger and she didn't deserve that. She deserved a whole lot more than me.

"I couldn't be a mother to her so I left her with someone I knew would do what was right for her."

Jane studied her for a long time before he simply nodded his head. "I understand," she stared at him, unable to blink her eyes now. "I certainly couldn't have been a father again so soon after I lost my family like that."

She was surprised by that answer. "You aren't mad?"

"I said I understood," Jane clarified sharply, "that doesn't make it right." She couldn't argue with him, she knew that just because he could see why she had to do what she did…it didn't mean she'd done the right thing by any means. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, surprising her.

"What?"

He leaned forward and looked into her eyes. "If you were overwhelmed and unable to care for her why didn't you come to me?" The anger crept back into his voice, "That is what you should have done. You should have told _me_. You should have found me and put that baby in _my_ arms because she is _mine_. You should not have gone to Grace, you should have come to me."

"Because you were nearby?" she accused him.

"Because I am her father," Jane cut in, "I had every right to know that I had another child. But you gave her to Grace," he pointed an accusing finger at her, "You told her to give her up, to put her up for adoption if need be. You weren't even going to let me have that chance."

"But you have her now."

"Why would you do that?" Jane asked her, "Why would you try to keep her from me?"

"Why do you care?"

"Answer the question."

"Because we don't deserve her!" She shouted back at him. He sat back and remained silently, his face completely devoid of any emotion. She just glared at him. "After what we did…what right did we have to her? You screwed me to get to Red John and then I let my brother die, we are the worst people I can think of and then we'd have a child?" She shook her head, "It's like one big joke."

Jane was quiet as he looked at her. "I thought that once too…but you don't really believe what you just said. If you did then you wouldn't have had her…you wouldn't have named her Hope."

She shook her head. "How was I supposed to look at her, look at my brothers after what I did?"

"Well they don't have a problem looking at Hope," Jane pointed out with ease.

Now she was confused. "What? You've…you've talked to my brothers."

"Hope is your daughter and their niece," Jane reminded her, "of course she is close to her family." He leaned back a little with a look of contentment, "They come down every year for her birthday at least. Last year I took her up to see them for Thanksgiving."

"You stayed with my brothers?" She couldn't quite comprehend this.

"As opposed to Bates Motel? Yes, we stayed with them."

Lisbon shook her head incredulously. "So you're what…part of the family now?"

He shrugged. "Hope is their family and Hope is my family, ergo I'm a part of theirs now by extension."

Lisbon stared at him as if he had two heads. She couldn't even imagine Jane and her two brothers sitting in the same room, let alone interacting like old friends or…family. She shook her head. "I… I didn't expect…I didn't imagine that you would ever do something like this."

"Like what? Letting your brothers see their niece or taking care of my own child."

"She wasn't a part of your plans."

"No," Jane agreed, "but she is my child, what makes you think I would love her any less?

Lisbon was quiet, she felt a little ashamed for even making an assumption like that but was it much of a surprise? He'd seduced her as a means to bring out Red John; she couldn't even say for sure what his feelings were.

He was angry at her. Angry at her for believing that he wouldn't care about their child, angry that she never told him the truth and most of all, angry for abandoning her. "You told her about me," she whispered softly, "she knows who I am."

"You thought I wouldn't?" Jane asked, she noted the edge in his voice again. "So in addition to being heartless you now think I'm cruel."

"No I just…" Lisbon faltered for words, "You didn't have to tell her, she's so young and I just…"

Jane sighed. "I've told her about you every day of her life. She has three pictures of you in her bedroom and she gets to listen to stories about you from her uncles every time they call." Jane explained gently. "You are her mother, regardless of what you've done, you gave her life and I knew that one day you would come back. Probably not because you wanted to but you would be compelled to come back.

"You run away from your problems, that's what you've always done. You ran away from your father, your past and now your daughter. But you couldn't just escape her like you've always done before, you don't just forget about something like that, a child you carried inside of you for nine months. One day you were going to finally get over it, you would start to heal…and then you would come looking for her."

Jane leaned forward now to look her up and down with most serious expression she'd ever seen in his eyes. "But this isn't something you can just try out, you can't make mistakes in this. You have to be ready to be a mother to her, she needs you, she does. She's a little girl and little girls need their mothers. But she needs all of you, not the broken person you are right now but the woman you used to be, before you let your grief consume you."

Lisbon shook her head slowly. "I…I don't know."

Jane nodded. "She's here, she's not going anywhere and when you are ready then you can slowly become a part of her life again. She wants you, she already loves you."

"She doesn't even know me."

He smiled a little. "She knows you better than you think…I did say she takes after me."

Lisbon didn't say anything for a while, she found herself looking at a small-framed photograph of Hope. She must have been around two years old at the time. She didn't know the circumstances for why Jane took that picture; she didn't know anything about that day or that year. She'd missed her daughter growing up…she'd missed her baby months, the terrible two's, her first words and her first steps. She'd missed it all.

Because she'd been going crazy.

"I should go… _now_," Lisbon said standing up and ready to flee from her little girl all over again.

But Jane followed her to the door. "Lisbon stop!" He called out for her; she stopped dead in her tracks just in front of the door. "You can't runaway again. Not now."

She turned to look at him with tears in her eyes. "I don't know what to do, Patrick."

He stared at her for a very long time before asking a question she never expected. "Did you even think about her? All the time you were gone…did she ever cross your mind?"

Lisbon stood frozen for a while, ashamed for what the truth was. She shook her head. "No." The look of devastation on his face cut through her. "I never allowed myself to think about her…or you. Because if I did then I knew that I would never stop thinking and the guilt and the shame would take over and I'd probably put a bullet in my head. So I thought about other things, _anything_ but her."

The pain left his face but remained in his eyes. "Lisbon, Hope can help you. She can heal you. You can do it, you can let her save you if you just try." She stood there dumbfounded with no idea if she even could crawl away from the darkness that pressing down on her. Jane had done it…but she couldn't imagine how he'd been able to accomplish such a feet.

He gave her a small tight smile. "Think about it."

She nodded softly before turning around and leaving the home. She stumbled her way to the car and fumbled around before finally starting the engine.

She drove for a long time before she realized she was crying…she was sobbing. Just like she did four years ago when she drove away from her daughter.

And just like then, she had no idea what she was going to do.

* * *

_ Jane was enjoying another drink at the casino bar, by now he'd been dubbed a 'regular' and no longer attracted any undo attention unless he did something that called for it. Admittedly that was fairly often, especially when he used his tricks on the casino floor. But right now he wasn't in the mood to trick money out of the unsuspecting fat cats, no, his thoughts were dark at the moment, which meant all he wanted to do was sip his drink and brood._

_ He was fully immersed in the moment when he sensed the presence behind him. He didn't bother to turn around; he figured it was another angry patron who hated that he'd lost big. But he couldn't have been more surprised to hear Cho's grumble out his name. "Jane."_

_ He turned around in his seat and hid his surprise with a smile, "Cho, Rigsby," he greeted the two agents. "Sit down and I'll buy you a drink."_

_ "No thanks."_

_ Jane shrugged but his grin remained firmly in place. "Well I know you haven't come here for the bright lights and the slot machines. To what do I owe this pleasure?"_

_ The two men exchanged looks before Cho finally stated. "We're taking you back to Sacramento."_

_ The smile didn't falter. "Is Lisbon behind this?"_

_ "No."_

_ That answer surprised Jane. "Really?"_

_ "She doesn't even know we're here," Rigsby explained simply._

_ Jane knew they weren't lying which meant that they had another reason entirely. "But this is about Lisbon."_

_ They exchanged looks again, questioning glances of fear, as if asking the other what they should tell. Now Jane was really curious. "What's going on? Does she need help on a case and doesn't want to ask me?"_

_ "She quit the CBI months ago."_

_ He hadn't been expecting that one either. "Really?" He was no longer trying to hide his shock. The idea of Lisbon quitting the job that was her life was unthinkable. He knew she'd been nearly destroyed when her brother was killed but to actually do this… Jane knew there was more to this story._

_ He just had to weasel the truth out of them._

_ "I'm guessing you want me to come back so I can convince her to change her mind."_

_ "No," Cho told him simply._

_ Once again they weren't lying…so what the hell was going on?_

_ "Then why are you here?" He asked again._

_ Rigsby was the one who stepped forward this time. "Jane, you really need to come back to Sacramento."_

_ Jane smiled like it was a big joke. "I'm going to need a better reason than that."_

_ He raised an eyebrow. "You really want to stay here?"_

_ Jane shrugged. "I got what I wanted, Red John is dead, and my revenge is complete. Why would I go back to that?"_

_ "We don't have time for this," Cho muttered._

_ "I have all the time in the world."_

_ "Okay," Cho said and pulled out a pair of handcuffs, "then we'll do this another way."_

_ Jane actually stared at them in disbelief, even as they slapped the cuffs on his wrist. "You're arresting me?"_

_ "Yep." Cho pulled him to his feet and began to walk him towards the exit, as everyone stopped to stare._

_ "For what?"_

_ "For being an idiot."_

_ Well it wouldn't be the first time._

_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0_

_ They didn't take the cuffs off Jane until they had driven back into the state of California, but they didn't tell Jane why they were dragging him back to their home city. Cho was impassive as always and Rigsby simply looked away when pressed on the issue. The only concession was a quiet, "You need to see this for yourself."_

_ His curiosity was peaked when they made it in the Sacramento city limits and Rigsby received a call. "Yeah, it's me. Yes, we still have him…yeah, we should be there in twenty minutes…okay good, see you then."_

_ When Rigsby hung up Jane leaned forward in the back seat. "Lisbon checking up on me?"_

_ "No," he told him simply and then they lapsed into silence once more._

_ Jane expected them to bring him to the CBI or maybe Lisbon's home…Grace's apartment wouldn't have even made the list which is why he was shocked when that is exactly where they took him. "Okay…what is going on?" He asked for the hundredth time, only now he was completely serious._

_ Cho simply took the keys out of the ignition. "See for yourself."_

_ Jane didn't particularly like this tactic; he especially didn't like not knowing what they were hiding. He preferred being the man holding all of the cards. He grudgingly got out of the car and followed them up the steps to Grace's apartment._

_ Rigsby opened the door and both men ushered him inside. Jane wasn't sure what to expect when he entered his friend's home, but he wasn't prepared at all for what he saw._

_ Grace was sitting on the sofa in her living room, quietly waiting for them to come in. But that wasn't what caught Jane's eye. It was the baby in her arms._

_ She was wearing a small pink dress and Grace had clipped a matching bow into the wisps of dark brown hair that stuck out every which way. The baby was sitting in her lap, her head supported by Grace's hand and she was very alert, batting her hands against the toy that Grace held in front of her._

_ Grace looked up at Jane with wide expectant eyes but not one of the adults said a single word. Jane couldn't take his eyes off that child, he couldn't breathe, he wasn't even sure his heart was beating anymore. He could feel his hands shaking and his throat sealed shut but he didn't dare blink, he couldn't look away if he tried._

_ "Jane," Grace began very softly, "this is—"_

_ "I know who she is," Jane interrupted, his voice, thick with emotion, was barely more than a whisper._

_ Tears blurred his vision now and he did look away, covering his mouth with his hand as he tried to keep his emotions under control. He took several deep breaths but it did nothing to calm down the nervous rush going through his veins, it did succeed in giving him a moment to keep his composure though._

_ Now he knew why they had brought him back…but it was time for answers._

_ "Where's Lisbon?" He asked turning his attention back to the infant in Grace's arms._

_ The three of them looked at one another with fearful glances. It was Cho who decided to say it. "She left."_

_ Jane was stunned once again. "She did what?"_

_ "She left," Grace repeated and looked down at the baby. "She dropped her daughter off here about three weeks ago and left. We don't know where she is but she said…" She leaned down and gently nuzzled the top of her head, "she said that she deserved better than having her as a mother."_

_ He nodded in understanding but still couldn't believe what had happened. "She left her child," he repeated. Jane shook his head. "I can't believe she would do that."_

_ "Lisbon hasn't been herself since her brother died," Rigsby explained, "She was depressed…obviously. She quit her job but then she…" he gestured towards the baby, "well you know."_

_ "She's having problems," Grace finished for him, "I think this was overwhelming for her and she seemed to think that maybe…maybe the baby was a replacement for her brother and she feels guilty for that, like it was a life for a life. She needs help."_

_ "Yes," Jane agreed gently, "she does." He finally tore his eyes away from the child to ask another question. "Why didn't she tell me she was pregnant?" At their shameful glances Jane knew what they were going to say. "Never mind, I already know the answer."_

_ He managed to regain some control over his legs and walked over to the couch. He sat down next to Grace, close enough so he could reach out and touch her if he wanted to. "May I?" He asked softly._

_ Grace gave him a very small smile before gently placing the baby in his arms. He positioned her so that she was looking up at him; he wanted to see her face. The arch of her cheeks, the curve of her chin, the way her blue eyes blinked up at him with complete innocence._

_ "Jane," Grace began softly, "we found you because she needs someone. If not you then…" her voice trailed off at the possibilities. "It's your choice," she said firmly._

_ He met her eyes and asked one last question. "What's her name?"_

_ Grace was caught off guard by the question but answered quickly. "Hope…her name is Hope."_

_ Jane smiled and turned his eyes back to the child. "Hope," he tested the name on his tongue and then grinned down at her. "Hello, Hope. That name is perfect for you, it really is."_

_ Hope blinked up at him before waving one hand up near her face. She let out a small whimper and then a sharp cry. Jane pulled her up against his chest. "Shhhh," he whispered soothingly to her, "It's okay, I know this is confusing. Strange people, strange place, and your mommy left."_

_ Hope hiccupped but quieted a little, closing her eyes and snuggling her head up against his chest. "But your daddy's here," he told her gently, "and I'm not going anywhere."_

_ Jane looked up from his daughter and met the eyes of the team; Grace was smiling even as tears fell from her eyes. Now he told it to them. "I'm not going anywhere."_

_ He meant it; nothing on earth was going to take him away now._

* * *

It hadn't been a good night for Jane, he hadn't been able to sleep much because he couldn't stop thinking about Lisbon's frightened face just before she bolted from his home. He would rather have thought about the picture they had made, Lisbon and their daughter sitting together at the kitchen table. The resemblance between them had been striking, the same hair, same nose, same curve to the chin and cheek. The only thing that had ruined that picture was how obviously uncomfortable Lisbon had been.

But actually it had gone better than he'd thought it would…just not as well as he'd hoped. At worst he'd been afraid that Lisbon would turn around and run as soon as she saw her child, he was glad that hadn't happened.

No, her reaction had been a mixed bag of emotions. She'd clearly been surprised and afraid, but Jane couldn't blame her for those feelings, he'd felt the same way when he'd first seen Hope. But then she had started crying and she'd reached up to touch her, he knew she was captivated by their child, he told Hope they were happy tears and he knew that was the truth. She had been happy to see her daughter…he just didn't know if that joy outweighed her fear and guilt.

Jane would have liked to indulge himself in several hours of brooding, four years ago he would have done so easily. But that was before Hope was born, now he had much more enjoyable ways to spend his time. He dressed quickly before setting towards one such action; it was high time Hope woke up so he could fix her breakfast and get her ready for the day.

Hope's room was only a short walk down the hallway from his own and if forced to, Jane would admit that he'd gone a little overboard in decorating it. It had started off slowly, so that he could make the perfect room according to her taste. Hope was pleased with the result and Jane prided himself that it was the sort of room any four-year-old girl would desire.

The walls were a soft pink and all of the furniture was a pristine white. The walls were decorated with big colorful flowers in orange, yellow and pink hues. Her canopied bed matched the flowers as did her curtains. A large rug in a flower cutout was set on the floor by her bed, scattered around the floor were several of her toys. Jane smiled when he saw the mess; he really needed to get her to pick up her room soon.

Hope was sleeping soundly, curled up in a ball with her ratty stuffed dog in her arms. Jane knelt by her bed and gently brushed the hair away from her face, a few seconds later she stirred and turned over. "Daddy?" She asked sleepily before rubbing her eyes.

"Good morning, sleepy head," Jane greeted her with a grin.

"G'morning, Daddy," she replied but stayed snuggled under her covers. She closed her eyes again as if ready to go back to sleep.

He grinned and shook his head. "Oh no, it's time to get up now."

"But I'm still sleepy," she murmured not even opening her eyes.

"Well once you get up you won't be sleepy anymore." But Hope was stubborn like him and her mother, she didn't move an inch. Jane chuckled before pulling the covers off of her none too gently. "Wake up, trouble maker," He teased.

Hope wasn't too happy to have her slumber disturbed but she started giggling once she was scooped up into her father's arms. She gasped. "Lulu! Lulu needs to get up too!"

Jane looked down to see that her stuffed dog was still resting on her bed. He reached over and set it back into her waiting hands. "All right, now that Lulu is up, how does breakfast sound?"

"Good!" Hope declared and squealed as her father carried her out of the room and downstairs to the kitchen. Jane set her down in her booster seat at the table before setting out to fix her something to eat.

Normally he might have fixed some eggs, something that would have taken a bit more effort, but he was still tired from his mostly sleepless night, luckily Hope loved Cheerios. He slicing up a banana into neat cylinders when he looked up to see that Hope was looking around. "What is it, Hope?"

She met her father's eyes and he saw real sadness there. "Where's Mommy?"

He felt the knife to his gut when she asked the question. She was just a little girl asking an innocent question, she had no idea to the complexities that surrounded her birth or her parents. All she knew was that her absent mother had shown up last night and was gone again.

Jane sighed and poured some milk into the bowl. "Mommy went back to her hotel last night."

"Why?"

He walked over and set the bowl in front of her along with her plastic spoon and her sippy-cup of juice. "Because that is where she is staying right now."

"Why doesn't she stay with us?"

Oh how he hated these questions, but he couldn't just ignore them either. "Mommy has to live somewhere else right now."

Hope stirred her cereal with her spoon, looking down at the tiny O's mixed in with the milk. "Was it something I did?"

Jane felt that same knife twist deep. He reached over to put a hand on his daughter's shoulder. "Oh no, baby. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Then why doesn't Mommy want to be with me?"

How could he explain this to a child? He wanted to keep her innocence, he didn't want her to know the pain and suffering her parents had borne through the years. Her certainly didn't want her to know the complications that led to her conception, birth and then abandonment.

Not that he had been able to hide everything either.

"Do you remember what your uncles told you? How Mommy was very sad after your Uncle William died?"

Hope nodded, "Yes, Daddy."

"Well Mommy is still sad, very, very sad. She misses her brother very much and is in a lot of pain."

"Does she need a Band-Aid?"

Jane chuckled softly and shook his head. "No, it's not that kind of pain. It's a sad pain, but she's going to get better. Seeing you is going to make her feel better."

"I'm going to see her again?" Hope asked, her voice had a restrained excitement to it.

He nodded. "I'm certain of it."

And that was the truth. Hope was going to see her mother again if he had to drag Lisbon back over to his house himself. More than anything he wanted Lisbon to be a mother to their child and he firmly believed that one day she would be ready for that job. Hopefully that day would be soon.

Jane looked over to see that Hope was still a little sad. He smiled at her. "Come here, Hope," he told her. She hopped out of her booster seat and crawled up into her father's lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. He hugged her tight. "I love you, Hope."

She hugged him back. "I love you too, Daddy."

He kissed the top of her head. "And your mother loves you."

"I love her too."

"I know," Jane said, hugging her again, "and very soon you'll be able to tell her that yourself."

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Hope perked up once they were outside of the daycare center. She always had fun there with her friends and the different activities, sometimes Jane teased her saying she preferred the center to their home. But he knew it was just teasing, she was always excited to see him when he came to pick her up.

"I'll see you later this afternoon," Jane promised as he hugged his daughter good-bye.

"Bye-bye, Daddy," Hope said, hugging him back before skipping into the center and immediately running over to her "bestest friend" Emma.

He stayed put and watched her for a minute; she was breathtaking when she was so happy and free. He wanted her to stay like this, innocent and pure of heartbreak and pain but Jane knew that was coming eventually, he just wanted to keep it at bay for as long as possible.

The rest of the team was already in the bullpen when Jane showed up. Their case was hitting a wall and it was that awkward time where no one was willing to let it go but they were running out of leads. Cho was burying himself in paperwork while Rigsby and Grace talked quietly to each other, probably trying to decide what to do next.

Jane smiled at them. "How was your night?"

Grace grimaced. "I was feeling queasy again, I spent the night in the bathroom."

"And I spent the night outside the bathroom door," Rigsby finished for her.

Jane had to smile, Grace's pregnancy was beginning to show now that she was nearing the middle of her second trimester but the ails that came with it hadn't quite left yet. "Sounds like it was a rough night," Jane murmured before sitting down on his couch.

Rigsby grunted in agreement while Grace turned a smile to Jane. "What about you?"

Now he smiled a little bit. "Oh it was an interesting evening. I picked up Hope, took her home, fixed her some dinner and played with her in the living room." He knew he'd lulled them into a false sense of boredom before he dropped the bombshell. "Then Lisbon broke into my house and saw her."

That did it.

The three other members of the team literally froze only to turn and gape at him. "What?" Rigsby asked even though they all had heard him correctly.

But Jane had no problems repeating it. He looked them in the eyes. "Lisbon broke into my house and saw Hope."

"Why would she do that?"

"She knew I was hiding something," Jane replied, "I'm sure she decided enough was enough and chose to find out for herself."

They were all quiet for a moment as they let the news sink in. For the first time in four years Lisbon had seen her child, the baby she had left in Grace's arms and turned her back on. It was something they had all hoped would happen but had never truly spoken of. None of them knew how it would turn out, if things would now get better…or worse.

"What did she do?" Grace finally asked quietly.

Jane sighed and looked towards her. "She was surprised, obviously. She stood there in shock for a while and then…then she started to cry."

They exchanged dubious looks before Cho inquired. "Is that a good thing?"

He nodded. "I think so, she was overcome with seeing her child. It was clear that she was happy to see that she was healthy and strong…that much was obvious."

"Is that all she did?"

Jane shook his head. "She stayed for a while, Hope wanted her to. She didn't say much," Jane admitted, "she let Hope chatter about this and that and waited until Hope fell asleep. Then we talked."

"About what?" Rigsby asked.

"Everything," Jane began, "about Hope, about the fact that she left her, her reasons for doing so." There was no mistaking the bitterness in his voice now.

"Were you nice?" Grace said a little sadly.

"I was calm."

"So you weren't nice."

Jane rolled his eyes. "If by nice do you mean that I told her it was fine that she dumped our child on your doorstep and ran, then _no_ I wasn't nice." Grace was silent and he knew he'd been rather harsh, he was frustrated and he hated being reminded of what Lisbon had done. He sighed. "I told her it wasn't right what she did but I that I knew why she had to do it…and then I told her that Hope needed her, that she could be a mother to her if she wanted to be."

"What did she say?"

Jane looked away sadly. "That she had to leave…and she did. She ran out the door."

He watched the hope fade from their eyes. "So…she doesn't want to see her again."

"I don't know," he admitted, "she's scared and overwhelmed right now. I think she wants to see her but doesn't feel she has a right to."

"That's ridiculous."

"Yes," he agreed, "and she'll see that soon enough."

Cho raised an eyebrow. "You're that confident she'll come around."

"I am," Jane replied, "Because I'll make sure of it."

They knew he meant it.

* * *

Lisbon was lying in her hotel room staring up at the ceiling. She hadn't even bothered to change out of her clothes from the night before. She hadn't done anything since she'd returned to hotel but lie down and stare upwards.

She'd seen her daughter.

Four years ago she'd walked away from her intent on never seeing her again but she had. Not only had she seen her child but Hope was living with Jane! Jane had taken care of her and raised her by himself. She had never even told Jane that she was pregnant, had told everyone that she didn't want him know. Obviously her team had decided against her choice and sought him out after she left.

And now he was a father again…to Hope.

Hope, she had named her. No one else could say that, not even Jane.

Lisbon could still remember vividly sitting in James's bathroom for two hours, hiding her sobs behind a towel while her eyes remained fixed on those two pink lines. The day of William's funeral was the same day she knew for sure that she was pregnant. It was almost laughable.

She remembered feeling that baby moving inside of her, kicking her, stirring real emotions in a time when all she'd felt was sorrow and despair. Her brothers had wanted to know why she wanted to keep the baby when she kept on saying she had no idea if she even wanted to have it. Lisbon had always said that she didn't want to kill someone else…but that wasn't true, at least not all of it. Whenever she felt that baby move inside of her it was the only time she actually felt something besides pain.

And then the labor. That hadn't been easy. She could remember the long hours of physical pain she endured, lying in that stark hospital room, trying to sleep in between contractions. Towards the end she'd gone a little mad with it, cursing out the doctors, begging for more drugs…and calling Jane every vile name she could think of.

But then she was there. A low scream from her when she'd finally pushed that baby out of her, a scream that was met with a very sharp cry. They had placed the warm and wet child in her arms, a tiny little baby that was breathtakingly perfect. She'd cried then too, sobbing for what seemed like hours as she looked on at the little life she had created. And then the doctors had asked what her name was.

Only one word came to mind.

Hope.

Hope for everything, a better future, hope that eventually she would be able to get over what happened to her family…hope that this little child would make her feel something again. That was all she had left, all she had clung to. Hope.

But that feeling hadn't lasted long.

She still felt the anguish, the depression and the guilt. Every time she held her child she was reminded that her brother would never have that opportunity, he never got to have children of his own. He was dead and her daughter was not. It was wrong, it wasn't fair and what right did _she_ have to be happy when her brother was dead because of the actions that had led to this child?

That was when the darkness took over and she'd looked at her daughter with nothing but guilt and shame. Was this how her father had felt? She remembered when he was drunk how he used to yell at her to leave, he didn't want to look at her. How he'd sobbed saying he should have been there, should have driven her mother home instead of staying late. If he had simply done that then she would be alive.

If that was how her father had felt…what if she repeated those mistakes?

_'Leave her'_ her mind screamed at her, _'Leave her before you hurt her!'_

And that is what she had done. She'd carefully packed a bag of clothes, formula and toys before leaving her in Grace's care. She remembered hearing her baby cry as she walked away and Lisbon had wept the whole way to the airport. She'd cried silently on the plane to New York and then cried in the hotel that she'd stayed in.

But she did what she had to do to keep Hope safe. That was what a mother was, right? Someone who kept their child safe? Even if that meant keeping away from them.

No one had understood, not her team, not Jane and not her brothers. They had come to New York a few months after she left, pounding on her apartment door, begging her to come out and talk. "Please, Teresa, please come home. Your daughter needs you!"

But she'd kept her back to the door and never said a word, even as she silently cried every time she heard them beg. They had given up eventually and they hadn't spoken to her since.

She had always assumed that Hope was with them. That Grace had given her up to her uncles to be raised. She never had thought that they would seek out Hope's father or that Jane would take her in.

Oh God she was beautiful, breathtakingly so. That tiny baby that had been hers for a month was now a little girl, grown up and strong.

"Mommy" she'd called her. It was the truth, she was a mommy, a mother, she had given birth to that beautiful child. No one else had the right to say that. Her heart had cracked open when she'd been called that name, she'd felt something besides pain for the first time in four years.

She wanted to see her child again, she wanted to touch her hair and breathe in the scent of her skin. She wanted to be called Mommy again and to hear that little girl's laugh.

But what had changed? Nothing, she didn't deserve to be a mother, didn't deserve to have a child after everything she did. She shouldn't feel this way; she had no right to be with her daughter.

But God help her…she did.

* * *

_ For a very long time all Jane did was smile down at his beautiful baby daughter. He didn't say anything to anyone but Hope and then he wanted to take over his fatherly duties immediately. He was the one who prepared her next bottle and then took her back into his arms to feed her, he was very insistent about doing 'his job'._

_ Jane was still feeding Hope when Cho asked the most important question on their minds. "What now?"_

_ He looked up from where he'd been watching his daughter feed; her soft gasps making him smile. But Jane knew exactly what Cho was asking about. "That depends, do you mean tonight or in the near future?"_

_ "Both."_

_ Jane smiled pressed his lips against the top of Hope's head, breathing in her scent for a moment. "Well tonight I'll need to stay at a hotel, someplace clean and safe for her before getting my things that were left in Nevada, including my car."_

_ Cho nodded his head at the reasonable choice. "And afterwards?"_

_ "I'll talk to Bertram about coming back, I'm certain he'll agree since your closing rate has to have diminished." It was an arrogant statement…but also the truth. But it wasn't his boast that set the hard edge in the eyes of his friends. "Unless you disagree…"_

_ The three of them exchanged looks and he knew that there was a bit of hesitation on their part. He had a feeling he knew what it was about, a feeling that was confirmed when Rigsby finally said. "You left."_

_ "Yes I did."_

_ "Why?"_

_ Jane shrugged. "She asked me to."_

_ Grace didn't accept that statement. "You didn't say anything to any of us, you just walked away."_

_ It was something he should have known, he'd not only devastated Lisbon but hurt the rest of the team as well. An unfortunate consequence he'd deemed necessary, something he certainly would have changed had he known that Lisbon was pregnant with his child._

_ Jane didn't offer up excuses but sighed instead. "She needed you, she needed all of you to be on her side entirely. It was easier to let that happen if I was gone."_

_ He looked down at his new child; still completely amazed that this was happening. "Thank you…thank you for finding me. I want this, I'm going to take this opportunity and fix this, not just for Hope…but for all of you, and eventually Lisbon when she's ready."_

_ They were quiet again, some of the pain and anger had diminished, not entirely though. The only thing that could really heal this was time. "We don't know where she is," Rigsby admitted._

_ "No she won't want to be found," Jane replied, "but we will find her. For now I have to focus on Hope. It's the only thing I can do right now."_

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_ It took a couple of hours to gather all of Hope's things before Rigsby and Cho drove father and daughter to the hotel Jane requested. Grace had offered to continue to watch Hope until Jane was completely settled but he politely refused, he was looking forward to his first night with his new daughter._

_ Eventually it was just him alone in his room and Jane couldn't help but marvel at the sudden change his life had gone through in just a few short hours. Just that morning he'd been a miserable excuse for a human being certain that his life was never going to be filled with joy again. Now here he was with his beautiful daughter and the future was filled with possibilities._

_ Hope fell asleep on the ride to the hotel and remained asleep even when they checked into the room. Plans were made so Jane could get his things that were currently out of state and finally he was alone with his daughter. He thought about letting her sleep in her car seat but instead let her sleep on the soft bed, braced on either side by the thick pillows._

_ For a short time all he did was watch his daughter sleep, checking constantly to ensure she was as safe and comfortable as he could make her. Finally he left her alone for a quick shower so he could once again resemble the human race and shave off his two-day growth. He didn't want stubble to scratch Hope's skin._

_ He didn't have any change of clothing or anything, that's what happens when his friends arrest him instead of telling him exactly why they needed him to come back to California. But he couldn't even be annoyed by that, they hadn't been sure how he would react to this turn of events. So Jane simply wore his boxer shorts and button down shirt but he didn't get into bed but once more caught himself drinking in the sight of his baby daughter._

_ She was so peaceful, sleeping soundly, every so often she would let out a content gasp and her lips would move a bit. Her dark hair stood out against the white sheet, her rounded chin and cheeks were perfect. She looked like her mother; there was no doubt about that. It was a thought that was wonderful and painful at the same time because it only served to remind him of why things were this way now. _

_ Jane didn't understand how Lisbon could leave her child. Hating him and sinking into misery were expected after what happened, but running from their daughter was almost incomprehensible. "You're so beautiful," Jane whispered crawling into bed to lie down by his child, feeling the warmth from her breath and the milky scent of her skin. "Who would want to abandon you?"_

_ Hope let out little gasped but remained asleep. Jane gently felt her soft hair with his fingertips. "Maybe she was just scared. I can see that." He smiled a little now. "The truth is I'm scared too. You scare the hell out of me."_

_ Jane leaned over to kiss the top of her head. "I love you, Hope. So does your mother and she'll be back. I'll fix this. I promise."_

_ It was a promise he was determined to keep._

* * *

Lisbon stared at the bottle of tequila in her hands but she didn't drink it. She wanted to, her body was actually craving the alcohol but she still didn't open it. The headache had started a couple of hours ago, right after she turned her phone off so that the rest of her former team would stop calling her. When the headache started, along with the sweating and anxiousness she knew for sure what was happening and she did what she'd normally done: bought some alcohol.

Withdrawal. That was what was happening. She'd seen her father go through it every time he decided to quit; unfortunately those times never last long. She remembered watching him become this weak and miserable creature as the toxins left his system. The first time she'd actually experienced the symptoms herself was after a particularly nasty night of binge drinking the day after the anniversary of Will's death. She'd stopped trying to pretend she wasn't an alcoholic after that.

Generally she managed the symptoms with a bit of hair of the dog but this time she was hesitant. Now she was sitting there as the shaking and sweating got worse still stubbornly keeping the bottle closed. She knew that the reason for her hesitance had to be the recent reunion with her child. That was the reason why she'd hid in her room all day, why she wasn't doing her job or taking any calls, all she did was sit and think…and let her body slowly weaken.

Her daughter. She'd seen her daughter. It was something that seem completely in comprehensible but it was real. She'd touched her face, smelled her hair and spoken to that beautiful child she'd given birth to. And she was living with her father, was loved and cared for by him and the rest of her family. Hope wasn't lost to her, wasn't gone from her life forever, no, she was waiting for her to get her life back together.

They both were.

But Lisbon had been broken so long she wasn't sure if it was even possible for her to exist as anything less.

God she didn't know what to do or think. She wished she had someone to talk to but she had no one. No friends and no family she spoke to, loneliness was something she had grown used to over the past few years and sometimes reveled in as something she deserved. But now she desperately wanted help, wanted someone she could explain herself to and maybe get some advice.

In the end there was only one name she could think of even if it did prove how pathetic she was.

It was only four in the afternoon in New York when Jack the bartender answered the phone with a friendly. "Callahan's"

For a second she really considered just hanging up the phone, who the hell called their bartender at four in the afternoon to talk? But her desperation forced her to continue. "Jack?"

It took him only a moment to place the voice. "Teresa? Where have you been? You haven't been coming around lately, don't tell me you found another bar."

He was teasing her but she could hear that he was concerned and confused, no surprises there. "I'm in California."

"You're kidding."

"No…" Lisbon said softly, still feeling stupid. She did what she could to keep the tremors from affecting how she held the phone to her ear.

"Why are you calling then?"

Lisbon took a deep breath, fighting the dizziness. "Do you remember the last time we talked? About guys and kids?"

"Yeah."

"I wasn't telling you the whole truth…"

Jack was patient, listening intently as she started from the beginning. From the time Jane walked into her life to the night they both watched Red John die…and then finding her brother's body. Only then did she stop the urge to cry and Jack said. "So that's why you get so upset over a Patrick or a William."

"Something like that."

"I'm sorry, really…that story is unbelievable."

"I'm not finished yet," Lisbon admitted. She could actually hear him tense up over the phone. Now she continued with the worst part. "The day of Will's funeral I found out I was pregnant."

"Shit…"

"I quit my job and…and did nothing," Lisbon continued, "I had the baby. A girl…a beautiful baby girl and I named her Hope."

Jack was quiet for a moment before asking. "What happened to her?"

She lost control for a moment and cried again, her gasps the only thing Jack could hear over the phone. "I…I tried. For a few weeks I really tried to be a mom. But she wouldn't stop crying and I couldn't sleep and everything I did just went wrong so I…I…"

"What did you do?" Jack asked, sounding like a parent chastising a child.

"I…I gave her to my friend and then I left. I got on a plane and went to New York and that was it."

"You left your kid?"

"Yes."

"Oh my God!"

Lisbon's hands still shook as she wiped her cheeks dry. "I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't be the mother she deserved…so I left her with someone who would do what was best for her."

Jack let out a breath and was quiet for a long time; she could imagine him shaking his head at this unbelievable story. "Why are you telling me all of this? Apparently even he knew that he should be on the bottom of her list of people to talk to about her messed up life, number one would probably be a shrink.

But she had to tell him the truth. "I saw her."

"What?"

"I saw my daughter…yesterday."

"How?" he asked, still stunned.

"She's with Jane," Lisbon explained simply. "They found him after I left and he's been raising her alone. I knew he was hiding something so I went to his house and…there she was." She started to cry again. "God she's beautiful and she's grown up so much."

"Sounds like he's doing a good job."

"Yeah…he is," Lisbon had to admit.

"So why tell me this?"

Lisbon sighed again. "I had to tell someone and as sad as it sounds…you're all I have." She brushed away a tear. "I don't know what to do, Jack. I've been running from everything for so long and now…now I have no idea what I'm supposed to feel or even think."

"You want to know what I think?"

She nodded even though he could see her. "Yes."

"I think you need to see your kid again." Lisbon drew in a breath and let it out but didn't say anything. Jack knew she was hesitating. "I'm serious."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"She's your kid. You want to see her; you've wanted this for years. It's why you're a complete mess right? You know you screwed up and you want to fix it."

Lisbon closed her eyes. "I wish I could be a good mother…but I'm not sure how."

"Maybe you should try."

She was quiet again and Jack sighed. "Look…I have to go finish opening the bar but I have to admit I want to know what you are going to do next. So call me…if you want to talk again."

Lisbon nodded. "Okay."

Jack hesitated a moment before finishing. "You can do it."

"You don't know that."

"I know you are the kind of woman who can do anything if she puts her mind to it. So do it."

They both hung up after that and Lisbon put the phone away, which was a good thing because the tremors were getting worse, she was starting sweat more profusely. This was dangerous, withdrawal could lead to seizures…and death.

Or freedom. But who knew how long that would last. Her father could never stay sober so how could she?

Then again her father had never viewed his kids as something to live for….maybe she could.

But did she deserve to have Hope? After everything that happened, after walking away even as her infant daughter wailed for her…the answer was an obvious 'no'. Jane didn't deserve Hope either, she'd said so…but that hadn't stopped him from being an amazing father.

She doubted she could be that.

Lisbon grabbed the bottle of tequila and twisted off the top, ready to bring the bottle to her lips and indulge her inner demons.

Then she stood up and walked straight for the bathroom and dumped the entire contents down the sink.

She crawled back into the bed while her body continued to shake, the nausea and pain steadily grew worse but she didn't care.

It was time to see if she could survive her sins once and for all.

* * *

A/N: So what did you think? How much do you love Hope? I hope you guys enjoy seeing Daddy Jane hehehe

Next chapter Jane finds Lisbon going through withdrawal and it leads to an argument over the past, especially over her brother's deaths while Lisbon still is uncertain over whether or not to be in her daughter's life


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